MORNING ROOM IN ALGERNON S FLAT IN HALF MOON STREET
THE ROOM IS LUXURIOUSLY AND ARTISTICALLY FURNISHED
THE SOUND OF A PIANO IS HEARD IN THE ADJOINING ROOM
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I WAS PLAYING LANE
I DIDN T THINK IT POLITE TO LISTEN SIR
I M SORRY FOR THAT FOR YOUR SAKE
I DON T PLAY ACCURATELY ANY ONE CAN PLAY ACCURATELY BUT I PLAY WITH WONDERFUL EXPRESSION
AS FAR AS THE PIANO IS CONCERNED SENTIMENT IS MY FORTE
I KEEP SCIENCE FOR LIFE
AND SPEAKING OF THE SCIENCE OF LIFE HAVE YOU GOT THE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES CUT FOR LADY BRACKNELL
OH
BY THE WAY LANE I SEE FROM YOUR BOOK THAT ON THURSDAY NIGHT WHEN LORD SHOREMAN AND MR WORTHING WERE DINING WITH ME EIGHT BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE ARE ENTERED AS HAVING BEEN CONSUMED
YES SIR EIGHT BOTTLES AND A PINT
WHY IS IT THAT AT A BACHELOR S ESTABLISHMENT THE SERVANTS INVARIABLY DRINK THE CHAMPAGNE
I ASK MERELY FOR INFORMATION
I ATTRIBUTE IT TO THE SUPERIOR QUALITY OF THE WINE SIR
I HAVE OFTEN OBSERVED THAT IN MARRIED HOUSEHOLDS THE CHAMPAGNE IS RARELY OF A FIRST RATE BRAND
IS MARRIAGE SO DEMORALISING AS THAT
I BELIEVE IT IS A VERY PLEASANT STATE SIR
I HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE EXPERIENCE OF IT MYSELF UP TO THE PRESENT
I HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED ONCE
THAT WAS IN CONSEQUENCE OF A MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN MYSELF AND A YOUNG PERSON
I DON T KNOW THAT I AM MUCH INTERESTED IN YOUR FAMILY LIFE LANE
NO SIR IT IS NOT A VERY INTERESTING SUBJECT
I NEVER THINK OF IT MYSELF
VERY NATURAL I AM SURE
THAT WILL DO LANE THANK YOU
THANK YOU SIR
LANE S VIEWS ON MARRIAGE SEEM SOMEWHAT LAX
REALLY IF THE LOWER ORDERS DON T SET US A GOOD EXAMPLE WHAT ON EARTH IS THE USE OF THEM
THEY SEEM AS A CLASS TO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF MORAL RESPONSIBILITY
MR ERNEST WORTHING
HOW ARE YOU MY DEAR ERNEST
WHAT BRINGS YOU UP TO TOWN
OH PLEASURE PLEASURE
WHAT ELSE SHOULD BRING ONE ANYWHERE
EATING AS USUAL I SEE ALGY
I BELIEVE IT IS CUSTOMARY IN GOOD SOCIETY TO TAKE SOME SLIGHT REFRESHMENT AT FIVE O CLOCK
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE LAST THURSDAY
IN THE COUNTRY
WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU DO THERE
WHEN ONE IS IN TOWN ONE AMUSES ONESELF
WHEN ONE IS IN THE COUNTRY ONE AMUSES OTHER PEOPLE
IT IS EXCESSIVELY BORING
AND WHO ARE THE PEOPLE YOU AMUSE
OH NEIGHBOURS NEIGHBOURS
GOT NICE NEIGHBOURS IN YOUR PART OF SHROPSHIRE
NEVER SPEAK TO ONE OF THEM
HOW IMMENSELY YOU MUST AMUSE THEM
BY THE WAY SHROPSHIRE IS YOUR COUNTY IS IT NOT
YES OF COURSE
WHY ALL THESE CUPS
WHY CUCUMBER SANDWICHES
WHY SUCH RECKLESS EXTRAVAGANCE IN ONE SO YOUNG
WHO IS COMING TO TEA
OH MERELY AUNT AUGUSTA AND GWENDOLEN
HOW PERFECTLY DELIGHTFUL
YES THAT IS ALL VERY WELL BUT I AM AFRAID AUNT AUGUSTA WON T QUITE APPROVE OF YOUR BEING HERE
MAY I ASK WHY
MY DEAR FELLOW THE WAY YOU FLIRT WITH GWENDOLEN IS PERFECTLY DISGRACEFUL
IT IS ALMOST AS BAD AS THE WAY GWENDOLEN FLIRTS WITH YOU
I AM IN LOVE WITH GWENDOLEN
I HAVE COME UP TO TOWN EXPRESSLY TO PROPOSE TO HER
I THOUGHT YOU HAD COME UP FOR PLEASURE I CALL THAT BUSINESS
HOW UTTERLY UNROMANTIC YOU ARE
I REALLY DON T SEE ANYTHING ROMANTIC IN PROPOSING
IT IS VERY ROMANTIC TO BE IN LOVE
BUT THERE IS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT A DEFINITE PROPOSAL
WHY ONE MAY BE ACCEPTED
ONE USUALLY IS I BELIEVE
THEN THE EXCITEMENT IS ALL OVER
THE VERY ESSENCE OF ROMANCE IS UNCERTAINTY
IF EVER I GET MARRIED I LL CERTAINLY TRY TO FORGET THE FACT
I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT DEAR ALGY
THE DIVORCE COURT WAS SPECIALLY INVENTED FOR PEOPLE WHOSE MEMORIES ARE SO CURIOUSLY CONSTITUTED
OH THERE IS NO USE SPECULATING ON THAT SUBJECT
DIVORCES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN PLEASE DON T TOUCH THE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES
THEY ARE ORDERED SPECIALLY FOR AUNT AUGUSTA
WELL YOU HAVE BEEN EATING THEM ALL THE TIME
THAT IS QUITE A DIFFERENT MATTER
SHE IS MY AUNT
HAVE SOME BREAD AND BUTTER
THE BREAD AND BUTTER IS FOR GWENDOLEN
GWENDOLEN IS DEVOTED TO BREAD AND BUTTER
AND VERY GOOD BREAD AND BUTTER IT IS TOO
WELL MY DEAR FELLOW YOU NEED NOT EAT AS IF YOU WERE GOING TO EAT IT ALL
YOU BEHAVE AS IF YOU WERE MARRIED TO HER ALREADY
YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO HER ALREADY AND I DON T THINK YOU EVER WILL BE
WHY ON EARTH DO YOU SAY THAT
WELL IN THE FIRST PLACE GIRLS NEVER MARRY THE MEN THEY FLIRT WITH
GIRLS DON T THINK IT RIGHT
OH THAT IS NONSENSE
IT IS A GREAT TRUTH
IT ACCOUNTS FOR THE EXTRAORDINARY NUMBER OF BACHELORS THAT ONE SEES ALL OVER THE PLACE
IN THE SECOND PLACE I DON T GIVE MY CONSENT
MY DEAR FELLOW GWENDOLEN IS MY FIRST COUSIN
AND BEFORE I ALLOW YOU TO MARRY HER YOU WILL HAVE TO CLEAR UP THE WHOLE QUESTION OF CECILY
WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALGY BY CECILY
I DON T KNOW ANY ONE OF THE NAME OF CECILY
BRING ME THAT CIGARETTE CASE MR WORTHING LEFT IN THE SMOKING ROOM THE LAST TIME HE DINED HERE
DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAVE HAD MY CIGARETTE CASE ALL THIS TIME
I WISH TO GOODNESS YOU HAD LET ME KNOW
I HAVE BEEN WRITING FRANTIC LETTERS TO SCOTLAND YARD ABOUT IT
I WAS VERY NEARLY OFFERING A LARGE REWARD
WELL I WISH YOU WOULD OFFER ONE
I HAPPEN TO BE MORE THAN USUALLY HARD UP
THERE IS NO GOOD OFFERING A LARGE REWARD NOW THAT THE THING IS FOUND
I THINK THAT IS RATHER MEAN OF YOU ERNEST I MUST SAY
HOWEVER IT MAKES NO MATTER FOR NOW THAT I LOOK AT THE INSCRIPTION INSIDE I FIND THAT THE THING ISN T YOURS AFTER ALL
OF COURSE IT S MINE
YOU HAVE SEEN ME WITH IT A HUNDRED TIMES AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO READ WHAT IS WRITTEN INSIDE
IT IS A VERY UNGENTLEMANLY THING TO READ A PRIVATE CIGARETTE CASE
OH IT IS ABSURD TO HAVE A HARD AND FAST RULE ABOUT WHAT ONE SHOULD READ AND WHAT ONE SHOULDN T
MORE THAN HALF OF MODERN CULTURE DEPENDS ON WHAT ONE SHOULDN T READ
I AM QUITE AWARE OF THE FACT AND I DON T PROPOSE TO DISCUSS MODERN CULTURE
IT ISN T THE SORT OF THING ONE SHOULD TALK OF IN PRIVATE
I SIMPLY WANT MY CIGARETTE CASE BACK
YES BUT THIS ISN T YOUR CIGARETTE CASE
THIS CIGARETTE CASE IS A PRESENT FROM SOME ONE OF THE NAME OF CECILY AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN T KNOW ANY ONE OF THAT NAME
WELL IF YOU WANT TO KNOW CECILY HAPPENS TO BE MY AUNT
CHARMING OLD LADY SHE IS TOO
LIVES AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS
JUST GIVE IT BACK TO ME ALGY
BUT WHY DOES SHE CALL HERSELF LITTLE CECILY IF SHE IS YOUR AUNT AND LIVES AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS
FROM LITTLE CECILY WITH HER FONDEST LOVE
MY DEAR FELLOW WHAT ON EARTH IS THERE IN THAT
SOME AUNTS ARE TALL SOME AUNTS ARE NOT TALL
THAT IS A MATTER THAT SURELY AN AUNT MAY BE ALLOWED TO DECIDE FOR HERSELF
YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT EVERY AUNT SHOULD BE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR AUNT
THAT IS ABSURD
FOR HEAVEN S SAKE GIVE ME BACK MY CIGARETTE CASE
BUT WHY DOES YOUR AUNT CALL YOU HER UNCLE
FROM LITTLE CECILY WITH HER FONDEST LOVE TO HER DEAR UNCLE JACK THERE IS NO OBJECTION I ADMIT TO AN AUNT BEING A SMALL AUNT BUT WHY AN AUNT NO MATTER WHAT HER SIZE MAY BE SHOULD CALL HER OWN NEPHEW HER UNCLE I CAN T QUITE MAKE OUT
BESIDES YOUR NAME ISN T JACK AT ALL IT IS ERNEST
IT ISN T ERNEST IT S JACK
YOU HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME IT WAS ERNEST
I HAVE INTRODUCED YOU TO EVERY ONE AS ERNEST
YOU ANSWER TO THE NAME OF ERNEST
YOU LOOK AS IF YOUR NAME WAS ERNEST
YOU ARE THE MOST EARNEST LOOKING PERSON I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE
IT IS PERFECTLY ABSURD YOUR SAYING THAT YOUR NAME ISN T ERNEST
IT S ON YOUR CARDS
HERE IS ONE OF THEM
MR ERNEST WORTHING B THE ALBANY I LL KEEP THIS AS A PROOF THAT YOUR NAME IS ERNEST IF EVER YOU ATTEMPT TO DENY IT TO ME OR TO GWENDOLEN OR TO ANY ONE ELSE
WELL MY NAME IS ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY AND THE CIGARETTE CASE WAS GIVEN TO ME IN THE COUNTRY
YES BUT THAT DOES NOT ACCOUNT FOR THE FACT THAT YOUR SMALL AUNT CECILY WHO LIVES AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS CALLS YOU HER DEAR UNCLE
COME OLD BOY YOU HAD MUCH BETTER HAVE THE THING OUT AT ONCE
MY DEAR ALGY YOU TALK EXACTLY AS IF YOU WERE A DENTIST
IT IS VERY VULGAR TO TALK LIKE A DENTIST WHEN ONE ISN T A DENTIST
IT PRODUCES A FALSE IMPRESSION
WELL THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT DENTISTS ALWAYS DO
NOW GO ON
TELL ME THE WHOLE THING
I MAY MENTION THAT I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED YOU OF BEING A CONFIRMED AND SECRET BUNBURYIST AND I AM QUITE SURE OF IT NOW
BUNBURYIST WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN BY A BUNBURYIST
I LL REVEAL TO YOU THE MEANING OF THAT INCOMPARABLE EXPRESSION AS SOON AS YOU ARE KIND ENOUGH TO INFORM ME WHY YOU ARE ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY
WELL PRODUCE MY CIGARETTE CASE FIRST
HERE IT IS
NOW PRODUCE YOUR EXPLANATION AND PRAY MAKE IT IMPROBABLE
MY DEAR FELLOW THERE IS NOTHING IMPROBABLE ABOUT MY EXPLANATION AT ALL
IN FACT IT S PERFECTLY ORDINARY
OLD MR THOMAS CARDEW WHO ADOPTED ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY MADE ME IN HIS WILL GUARDIAN TO HIS GRAND DAUGHTER MISS CECILY CARDEW
CECILY WHO ADDRESSES ME AS HER UNCLE FROM MOTIVES OF RESPECT THAT YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY APPRECIATE LIVES AT MY PLACE IN THE COUNTRY UNDER THE CHARGE OF HER ADMIRABLE GOVERNESS MISS PRISM
WHERE IS THAT PLACE IN THE COUNTRY BY THE WAY
THAT IS NOTHING TO YOU DEAR BOY
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE INVITED I MAY TELL YOU CANDIDLY THAT THE PLACE IS NOT IN SHROPSHIRE
I SUSPECTED THAT MY DEAR FELLOW
I HAVE BUNBURYED ALL OVER SHROPSHIRE ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS
NOW GO ON
WHY ARE YOU ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY
MY DEAR ALGY I DON T KNOW WHETHER YOU WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MY REAL MOTIVES
YOU ARE HARDLY SERIOUS ENOUGH
WHEN ONE IS PLACED IN THE POSITION OF GUARDIAN ONE HAS TO ADOPT A VERY HIGH MORAL TONE ON ALL SUBJECTS
IT S ONE S DUTY TO DO SO
AND AS A HIGH MORAL TONE CAN HARDLY BE SAID TO CONDUCE VERY MUCH TO EITHER ONE S HEALTH OR ONE S HAPPINESS IN ORDER TO GET UP TO TOWN I HAVE ALWAYS PRETENDED TO HAVE A YOUNGER BROTHER OF THE NAME OF ERNEST WHO LIVES IN THE ALBANY AND GETS INTO THE MOST DREADFUL SCRAPES
THAT MY DEAR ALGY IS THE WHOLE TRUTH PURE AND SIMPLE
THE TRUTH IS RARELY PURE AND NEVER SIMPLE
MODERN LIFE WOULD BE VERY TEDIOUS IF IT WERE EITHER AND MODERN LITERATURE A COMPLETE IMPOSSIBILITY
THAT WOULDN T BE AT ALL A BAD THING
LITERARY CRITICISM IS NOT YOUR FORTE MY DEAR FELLOW
DON T TRY IT
YOU SHOULD LEAVE THAT TO PEOPLE WHO HAVEN T BEEN AT A UNIVERSITY
THEY DO IT SO WELL IN THE DAILY PAPERS
WHAT YOU REALLY ARE IS A BUNBURYIST
I WAS QUITE RIGHT IN SAYING YOU WERE A BUNBURYIST
YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED BUNBURYISTS I KNOW
WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN
YOU HAVE INVENTED A VERY USEFUL YOUNGER BROTHER CALLED ERNEST IN ORDER THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO COME UP TO TOWN AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE
I HAVE INVENTED AN INVALUABLE PERMANENT INVALID CALLED BUNBURY IN ORDER THAT I MAY BE ABLE TO GO DOWN INTO THE COUNTRY WHENEVER I CHOOSE
BUNBURY IS PERFECTLY INVALUABLE
IF IT WASN T FOR BUNBURY S EXTRAORDINARY BAD HEALTH FOR INSTANCE I WOULDN T BE ABLE TO DINE WITH YOU AT WILLIS S TO NIGHT FOR I HAVE BEEN REALLY ENGAGED TO AUNT AUGUSTA FOR MORE THAN A WEEK
I HAVEN T ASKED YOU TO DINE WITH ME ANYWHERE TO NIGHT
YOU ARE ABSURDLY CARELESS ABOUT SENDING OUT INVITATIONS
IT IS VERY FOOLISH OF YOU
NOTHING ANNOYS PEOPLE SO MUCH AS NOT RECEIVING INVITATIONS
YOU HAD MUCH BETTER DINE WITH YOUR AUNT AUGUSTA
I HAVEN T THE SMALLEST INTENTION OF DOING ANYTHING OF THE KIND
TO BEGIN WITH I DINED THERE ON MONDAY AND ONCE A WEEK IS QUITE ENOUGH TO DINE WITH ONE S OWN RELATIONS
IN THE SECOND PLACE WHENEVER I DO DINE THERE I AM ALWAYS TREATED AS A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY AND SENT DOWN WITH EITHER NO WOMAN AT ALL OR TWO
IN THE THIRD PLACE I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHOM SHE WILL PLACE ME NEXT TO TO NIGHT
SHE WILL PLACE ME NEXT MARY FARQUHAR WHO ALWAYS FLIRTS WITH HER OWN HUSBAND ACROSS THE DINNER TABLE
THAT IS NOT VERY PLEASANT
INDEED IT IS NOT EVEN DECENT AND THAT SORT OF THING IS ENORMOUSLY ON THE INCREASE
THE AMOUNT OF WOMEN IN LONDON WHO FLIRT WITH THEIR OWN HUSBANDS IS PERFECTLY SCANDALOUS
IT LOOKS SO BAD
IT IS SIMPLY WASHING ONE S CLEAN LINEN IN PUBLIC
BESIDES NOW THAT I KNOW YOU TO BE A CONFIRMED BUNBURYIST I NATURALLY WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BUNBURYING
I WANT TO TELL YOU THE RULES
I M NOT A BUNBURYIST AT ALL
IF GWENDOLEN ACCEPTS ME I AM GOING TO KILL MY BROTHER INDEED I THINK I LL KILL HIM IN ANY CASE
CECILY IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH INTERESTED IN HIM
IT IS RATHER A BORE
SO I AM GOING TO GET RID OF ERNEST
AND I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO DO THE SAME WITH MR
WITH YOUR INVALID FRIEND WHO HAS THE ABSURD NAME
NOTHING WILL INDUCE ME TO PART WITH BUNBURY AND IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED WHICH SEEMS TO ME EXTREMELY PROBLEMATIC YOU WILL BE VERY GLAD TO KNOW BUNBURY
A MAN WHO MARRIES WITHOUT KNOWING BUNBURY HAS A VERY TEDIOUS TIME OF IT
THAT IS NONSENSE
IF I MARRY A CHARMING GIRL LIKE GWENDOLEN AND SHE IS THE ONLY GIRL I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE THAT I WOULD MARRY I CERTAINLY WON T WANT TO KNOW BUNBURY
THEN YOUR WIFE WILL
YOU DON T SEEM TO REALISE THAT IN MARRIED LIFE THREE IS COMPANY AND TWO IS NONE
THAT MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND IS THE THEORY THAT THE CORRUPT FRENCH DRAMA HAS BEEN PROPOUNDING FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS
YES AND THAT THE HAPPY ENGLISH HOME HAS PROVED IN HALF THE TIME
FOR HEAVEN S SAKE DON T TRY TO BE CYNICAL
IT S PERFECTLY EASY TO BE CYNICAL
MY DEAR FELLOW IT ISN T EASY TO BE ANYTHING NOWADAYS
THERE S SUCH A LOT OF BEASTLY COMPETITION ABOUT
AH THAT MUST BE AUNT AUGUSTA
ONLY RELATIVES OR CREDITORS EVER RING IN THAT WAGNERIAN MANNER
NOW IF I GET HER OUT OF THE WAY FOR TEN MINUTES SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR PROPOSING TO GWENDOLEN MAY I DINE WITH YOU TO NIGHT AT WILLIS S
I SUPPOSE SO IF YOU WANT TO
YES BUT YOU MUST BE SERIOUS ABOUT IT
I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT MEALS
IT IS SO SHALLOW OF THEM
LADY BRACKNELL AND MISS FAIRFAX
GOOD AFTERNOON DEAR ALGERNON I HOPE YOU ARE BEHAVING VERY WELL
I M FEELING VERY WELL AUNT AUGUSTA
THAT S NOT QUITE THE SAME THING
IN FACT THE TWO THINGS RARELY GO TOGETHER
DEAR ME YOU ARE SMART
I AM ALWAYS SMART
AM I NOT MR WORTHING
YOU RE QUITE PERFECT MISS FAIRFAX
OH I HOPE I AM NOT THAT
IT WOULD LEAVE NO ROOM FOR DEVELOPMENTS AND I INTEND TO DEVELOP IN MANY DIRECTIONS
I M SORRY IF WE ARE A LITTLE LATE ALGERNON BUT I WAS OBLIGED TO CALL ON DEAR LADY HARBURY
I HADN T BEEN THERE SINCE HER POOR HUSBAND S DEATH
I NEVER SAW A WOMAN SO ALTERED SHE LOOKS QUITE TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER
AND NOW I LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND ONE OF THOSE NICE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES YOU PROMISED ME
CERTAINLY AUNT AUGUSTA
WON T YOU COME AND SIT HERE GWENDOLEN
THANKS MAMMA I M QUITE COMFORTABLE WHERE I AM
WHY ARE THERE NO CUCUMBER SANDWICHES
I ORDERED THEM SPECIALLY
THERE WERE NO CUCUMBERS IN THE MARKET THIS MORNING SIR
I WENT DOWN TWICE
NOT EVEN FOR READY MONEY
THAT WILL DO LANE THANK YOU
THANK YOU SIR
I AM GREATLY DISTRESSED AUNT AUGUSTA ABOUT THERE BEING NO CUCUMBERS NOT EVEN FOR READY MONEY
IT REALLY MAKES NO MATTER ALGERNON
I HAD SOME CRUMPETS WITH LADY HARBURY WHO SEEMS TO ME TO BE LIVING ENTIRELY FOR PLEASURE NOW
I HEAR HER HAIR HAS TURNED QUITE GOLD FROM GRIEF
IT CERTAINLY HAS CHANGED ITS COLOUR
FROM WHAT CAUSE I OF COURSE CANNOT SAY
I VE QUITE A TREAT FOR YOU TO NIGHT ALGERNON
I AM GOING TO SEND YOU DOWN WITH MARY FARQUHAR
SHE IS SUCH A NICE WOMAN AND SO ATTENTIVE TO HER HUSBAND
IT S DELIGHTFUL TO WATCH THEM
I AM AFRAID AUNT AUGUSTA I SHALL HAVE TO GIVE UP THE PLEASURE OF DINING WITH YOU TO NIGHT AFTER ALL
I HOPE NOT ALGERNON
IT WOULD PUT MY TABLE COMPLETELY OUT
YOUR UNCLE WOULD HAVE TO DINE UPSTAIRS
FORTUNATELY HE IS ACCUSTOMED TO THAT
IT IS A GREAT BORE AND I NEED HARDLY SAY A TERRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME BUT THE FACT IS I HAVE JUST HAD A TELEGRAM TO SAY THAT MY POOR FRIEND BUNBURY IS VERY ILL AGAIN
THEY SEEM TO THINK I SHOULD BE WITH HIM
IT IS VERY STRANGE
THIS MR BUNBURY SEEMS TO SUFFER FROM CURIOUSLY BAD HEALTH
YES POOR BUNBURY IS A DREADFUL INVALID
WELL I MUST SAY ALGERNON THAT I THINK IT IS HIGH TIME THAT MR BUNBURY MADE UP HIS MIND WHETHER HE WAS GOING TO LIVE OR TO DIE
THIS SHILLY SHALLYING WITH THE QUESTION IS ABSURD
NOR DO I IN ANY WAY APPROVE OF THE MODERN SYMPATHY WITH INVALIDS
I CONSIDER IT MORBID
ILLNESS OF ANY KIND IS HARDLY A THING TO BE ENCOURAGED IN OTHERS
HEALTH IS THE PRIMARY DUTY OF LIFE
I AM ALWAYS TELLING THAT TO YOUR POOR UNCLE BUT HE NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE MUCH NOTICE AS FAR AS ANY IMPROVEMENT IN HIS AILMENT GOES
I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED IF YOU WOULD ASK MR BUNBURY FROM ME TO BE KIND ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE A RELAPSE ON SATURDAY FOR I RELY ON YOU TO ARRANGE MY MUSIC FOR ME
IT IS MY LAST RECEPTION AND ONE WANTS SOMETHING THAT WILL ENCOURAGE CONVERSATION PARTICULARLY AT THE END OF THE SEASON WHEN EVERY ONE HAS PRACTICALLY SAID WHATEVER THEY HAD TO SAY WHICH IN MOST CASES WAS PROBABLY NOT MUCH
I LL SPEAK TO BUNBURY AUNT AUGUSTA IF HE IS STILL CONSCIOUS AND I THINK I CAN PROMISE YOU HE LL BE ALL RIGHT BY SATURDAY
OF COURSE THE MUSIC IS A GREAT DIFFICULTY
YOU SEE IF ONE PLAYS GOOD MUSIC PEOPLE DON T LISTEN AND IF ONE PLAYS BAD MUSIC PEOPLE DON T TALK
BUT I LL RUN OVER THE PROGRAMME I VE DRAWN OUT IF YOU WILL KINDLY COME INTO THE NEXT ROOM FOR A MOMENT
THANK YOU ALGERNON
IT IS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU
I M SURE THE PROGRAMME WILL BE DELIGHTFUL AFTER A FEW EXPURGATIONS
FRENCH SONGS I CANNOT POSSIBLY ALLOW
PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK THAT THEY ARE IMPROPER AND EITHER LOOK SHOCKED WHICH IS VULGAR OR LAUGH WHICH IS WORSE
BUT GERMAN SOUNDS A THOROUGHLY RESPECTABLE LANGUAGE AND INDEED I BELIEVE IS SO
GWENDOLEN YOU WILL ACCOMPANY ME
CHARMING DAY IT HAS BEEN MISS FAIRFAX
PRAY DON T TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WEATHER MR WORTHING
WHENEVER PEOPLE TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WEATHER I ALWAYS FEEL QUITE CERTAIN THAT THEY MEAN SOMETHING ELSE
AND THAT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS
I DO MEAN SOMETHING ELSE
I THOUGHT SO
IN FACT I AM NEVER WRONG
AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALLOWED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF LADY BRACKNELL S TEMPORARY ABSENCE
I WOULD CERTAINLY ADVISE YOU TO DO SO
MAMMA HAS A WAY OF COMING BACK SUDDENLY INTO A ROOM THAT I HAVE OFTEN HAD TO SPEAK TO HER ABOUT
MISS FAIRFAX EVER SINCE I MET YOU I HAVE ADMIRED YOU MORE THAN ANY GIRL I HAVE EVER MET SINCE I MET YOU
YES I AM QUITE WELL AWARE OF THE FACT
AND I OFTEN WISH THAT IN PUBLIC AT ANY RATE YOU HAD BEEN MORE DEMONSTRATIVE
FOR ME YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN IRRESISTIBLE FASCINATION
EVEN BEFORE I MET YOU I WAS FAR FROM INDIFFERENT TO YOU
WE LIVE AS I HOPE YOU KNOW MR WORTHING IN AN AGE OF IDEALS
THE FACT IS CONSTANTLY MENTIONED IN THE MORE EXPENSIVE MONTHLY MAGAZINES AND HAS REACHED THE PROVINCIAL PULPITS I AM TOLD AND MY IDEAL HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO LOVE SOME ONE OF THE NAME OF ERNEST
THERE IS SOMETHING IN THAT NAME THAT INSPIRES ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE
THE MOMENT ALGERNON FIRST MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE HAD A FRIEND CALLED ERNEST I KNEW I WAS DESTINED TO LOVE YOU
YOU REALLY LOVE ME GWENDOLEN
YOU DON T KNOW HOW HAPPY YOU VE MADE ME
MY OWN ERNEST
BUT YOU DON T REALLY MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU COULDN T LOVE ME IF MY NAME WASN T ERNEST
BUT YOUR NAME IS ERNEST
YES I KNOW IT IS
BUT SUPPOSING IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE
DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU COULDN T LOVE ME THEN
AH THAT IS CLEARLY A METAPHYSICAL SPECULATION AND LIKE MOST METAPHYSICAL SPECULATIONS HAS VERY LITTLE REFERENCE AT ALL TO THE ACTUAL FACTS OF REAL LIFE AS WE KNOW THEM
PERSONALLY DARLING TO SPEAK QUITE CANDIDLY I DON T MUCH CARE ABOUT THE NAME OF ERNEST I DON T THINK THE NAME SUITS ME AT ALL
IT SUITS YOU PERFECTLY
IT IS A DIVINE NAME
IT HAS A MUSIC OF ITS OWN
IT PRODUCES VIBRATIONS
WELL REALLY GWENDOLEN I MUST SAY THAT I THINK THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER MUCH NICER NAMES
I THINK JACK FOR INSTANCE A CHARMING NAME
JACK NO THERE IS VERY LITTLE MUSIC IN THE NAME JACK IF ANY AT ALL INDEED
IT DOES NOT THRILL
IT PRODUCES ABSOLUTELY NO VIBRATIONS I HAVE KNOWN SEVERAL JACKS AND THEY ALL WITHOUT EXCEPTION WERE MORE THAN USUALLY PLAIN
BESIDES JACK IS A NOTORIOUS DOMESTICITY FOR JOHN
AND I PITY ANY WOMAN WHO IS MARRIED TO A MAN CALLED JOHN
SHE WOULD PROBABLY NEVER BE ALLOWED TO KNOW THE ENTRANCING PLEASURE OF A SINGLE MOMENT S SOLITUDE
THE ONLY REALLY SAFE NAME IS ERNEST
GWENDOLEN I MUST GET CHRISTENED AT ONCE I MEAN WE MUST GET MARRIED AT ONCE
THERE IS NO TIME TO BE LOST
MARRIED MR WORTHING
WELL SURELY
YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND YOU LED ME TO BELIEVE MISS FAIRFAX THAT YOU WERE NOT ABSOLUTELY INDIFFERENT TO ME
I ADORE YOU
BUT YOU HAVEN T PROPOSED TO ME YET
NOTHING HAS BEEN SAID AT ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE
THE SUBJECT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN TOUCHED ON
WELL MAY I PROPOSE TO YOU NOW
I THINK IT WOULD BE AN ADMIRABLE OPPORTUNITY
AND TO SPARE YOU ANY POSSIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT MR WORTHING I THINK IT ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU QUITE FRANKLY BEFORE HAND THAT I AM FULLY DETERMINED TO ACCEPT YOU
YES MR WORTHING WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY TO ME
YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE GOT TO SAY TO YOU
YES BUT YOU DON T SAY IT
GWENDOLEN WILL YOU MARRY ME
OF COURSE I WILL DARLING
HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN ABOUT IT
I AM AFRAID YOU HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE EXPERIENCE IN HOW TO PROPOSE
MY OWN ONE I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANY ONE IN THE WORLD BUT YOU
YES BUT MEN OFTEN PROPOSE FOR PRACTICE
I KNOW MY BROTHER GERALD DOES
ALL MY GIRL FRIENDS TELL ME SO
WHAT WONDERFULLY BLUE EYES YOU HAVE ERNEST
THEY ARE QUITE QUITE BLUE
I HOPE YOU WILL ALWAYS LOOK AT ME JUST LIKE THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE PRESENT
RISE SIR FROM THIS SEMI RECUMBENT POSTURE
IT IS MOST INDECOROUS
I MUST BEG YOU TO RETIRE
THIS IS NO PLACE FOR YOU
BESIDES MR WORTHING HAS NOT QUITE FINISHED YET
FINISHED WHAT MAY I ASK
I AM ENGAGED TO MR WORTHING MAMMA
PARDON ME YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED TO ANY ONE
WHEN YOU DO BECOME ENGAGED TO SOME ONE I OR YOUR FATHER SHOULD HIS HEALTH PERMIT HIM WILL INFORM YOU OF THE FACT
AN ENGAGEMENT SHOULD COME ON A YOUNG GIRL AS A SURPRISE PLEASANT OR UNPLEASANT AS THE CASE MAY BE
IT IS HARDLY A MATTER THAT SHE COULD BE ALLOWED TO ARRANGE FOR HERSELF
AND NOW I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS TO PUT TO YOU MR WORTHING
WHILE I AM MAKING THESE INQUIRIES YOU GWENDOLEN WILL WAIT FOR ME BELOW IN THE CARRIAGE
IN THE CARRIAGE GWENDOLEN
GWENDOLEN THE CARRIAGE
YOU CAN TAKE A SEAT MR WORTHING
THANK YOU LADY BRACKNELL I PREFER STANDING
I FEEL BOUND TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT DOWN ON MY LIST OF ELIGIBLE YOUNG MEN ALTHOUGH I HAVE THE SAME LIST AS THE DEAR DUCHESS OF BOLTON HAS
WE WORK TOGETHER IN FACT
HOWEVER I AM QUITE READY TO ENTER YOUR NAME SHOULD YOUR ANSWERS BE WHAT A REALLY AFFECTIONATE MOTHER REQUIRES
DO YOU SMOKE
WELL YES I MUST ADMIT I SMOKE
I AM GLAD TO HEAR IT
A MAN SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE AN OCCUPATION OF SOME KIND
THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY IDLE MEN IN LONDON AS IT IS
HOW OLD ARE YOU
A VERY GOOD AGE TO BE MARRIED AT
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OF OPINION THAT A MAN WHO DESIRES TO GET MARRIED SHOULD KNOW EITHER EVERYTHING OR NOTHING
WHICH DO YOU KNOW
I KNOW NOTHING LADY BRACKNELL
I AM PLEASED TO HEAR IT
I DO NOT APPROVE OF ANYTHING THAT TAMPERS WITH NATURAL IGNORANCE
IGNORANCE IS LIKE A DELICATE EXOTIC FRUIT TOUCH IT AND THE BLOOM IS GONE
THE WHOLE THEORY OF MODERN EDUCATION IS RADICALLY UNSOUND
FORTUNATELY IN ENGLAND AT ANY RATE EDUCATION PRODUCES NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER
IF IT DID IT WOULD PROVE A SERIOUS DANGER TO THE UPPER CLASSES AND PROBABLY LEAD TO ACTS OF VIOLENCE IN GROSVENOR SQUARE
WHAT IS YOUR INCOME
BETWEEN SEVEN AND EIGHT THOUSAND A YEAR
IN LAND OR IN INVESTMENTS
IN INVESTMENTS CHIEFLY
THAT IS SATISFACTORY
WHAT BETWEEN THE DUTIES EXPECTED OF ONE DURING ONE S LIFETIME AND THE DUTIES EXACTED FROM ONE AFTER ONE S DEATH LAND HAS CEASED TO BE EITHER A PROFIT OR A PLEASURE
IT GIVES ONE POSITION AND PREVENTS ONE FROM KEEPING IT UP
THAT S ALL THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT LAND
I HAVE A COUNTRY HOUSE WITH SOME LAND OF COURSE ATTACHED TO IT ABOUT FIFTEEN HUNDRED ACRES I BELIEVE BUT I DON T DEPEND ON THAT FOR MY REAL INCOME
IN FACT AS FAR AS I CAN MAKE OUT THE POACHERS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO MAKE ANYTHING OUT OF IT
A COUNTRY HOUSE
HOW MANY BEDROOMS
WELL THAT POINT CAN BE CLEARED UP AFTERWARDS
YOU HAVE A TOWN HOUSE I HOPE
A GIRL WITH A SIMPLE UNSPOILED NATURE LIKE GWENDOLEN COULD HARDLY BE EXPECTED TO RESIDE IN THE COUNTRY
WELL I OWN A HOUSE IN BELGRAVE SQUARE BUT IT IS LET BY THE YEAR TO LADY BLOXHAM
OF COURSE I CAN GET IT BACK WHENEVER I LIKE AT SIX MONTHS NOTICE
I DON T KNOW HER
OH SHE GOES ABOUT VERY LITTLE
SHE IS A LADY CONSIDERABLY ADVANCED IN YEARS
AH NOWADAYS THAT IS NO GUARANTEE OF RESPECTABILITY OF CHARACTER
WHAT NUMBER IN BELGRAVE SQUARE
THE UNFASHIONABLE SIDE
I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING
HOWEVER THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED
DO YOU MEAN THE FASHION OR THE SIDE
BOTH IF NECESSARY I PRESUME
WHAT ARE YOUR POLITICS
WELL I AM AFRAID I REALLY HAVE NONE
I AM A LIBERAL UNIONIST
OH THEY COUNT AS TORIES
THEY DINE WITH US
OR COME IN THE EVENING AT ANY RATE
NOW TO MINOR MATTERS
ARE YOUR PARENTS LIVING
I HAVE LOST BOTH MY PARENTS
TO LOSE ONE PARENT MR WORTHING MAY BE REGARDED AS A MISFORTUNE TO LOSE BOTH LOOKS LIKE CARELESSNESS
WHO WAS YOUR FATHER
HE WAS EVIDENTLY A MAN OF SOME WEALTH
WAS HE BORN IN WHAT THE RADICAL PAPERS CALL THE PURPLE OF COMMERCE OR DID HE RISE FROM THE RANKS OF THE ARISTOCRACY
I AM AFRAID I REALLY DON T KNOW
THE FACT IS LADY BRACKNELL I SAID I HAD LOST MY PARENTS
IT WOULD BE NEARER THE TRUTH TO SAY THAT MY PARENTS SEEM TO HAVE LOST ME I DON T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM BY BIRTH
I WAS WELL I WAS FOUND
THE LATE MR THOMAS CARDEW AN OLD GENTLEMAN OF A VERY CHARITABLE AND KINDLY DISPOSITION FOUND ME AND GAVE ME THE NAME OF WORTHING BECAUSE HE HAPPENED TO HAVE A FIRST CLASS TICKET FOR WORTHING IN HIS POCKET AT THE TIME
WORTHING IS A PLACE IN SUSSEX
IT IS A SEASIDE RESORT
WHERE DID THE CHARITABLE GENTLEMAN WHO HAD A FIRST CLASS TICKET FOR THIS SEASIDE RESORT FIND YOU
IN A HAND BAG
YES LADY BRACKNELL
I WAS IN A HAND BAG A SOMEWHAT LARGE BLACK LEATHER HAND BAG WITH HANDLES TO IT AN ORDINARY HAND BAG IN FACT
IN WHAT LOCALITY DID THIS MR JAMES OR THOMAS CARDEW COME ACROSS THIS ORDINARY HAND BAG
IN THE CLOAK ROOM AT VICTORIA STATION
IT WAS GIVEN TO HIM IN MISTAKE FOR HIS OWN
THE CLOAK ROOM AT VICTORIA STATION
THE BRIGHTON LINE
THE LINE IS IMMATERIAL
MR WORTHING I CONFESS I FEEL SOMEWHAT BEWILDERED BY WHAT YOU HAVE JUST TOLD ME
TO BE BORN OR AT ANY RATE BRED IN A HAND BAG WHETHER IT HAD HANDLES OR NOT SEEMS TO ME TO DISPLAY A CONTEMPT FOR THE ORDINARY DECENCIES OF FAMILY LIFE THAT REMINDS ONE OF THE WORST EXCESSES OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION
AND I PRESUME YOU KNOW WHAT THAT UNFORTUNATE MOVEMENT LED TO
AS FOR THE PARTICULAR LOCALITY IN WHICH THE HAND BAG WAS FOUND A CLOAK ROOM AT A RAILWAY STATION MIGHT SERVE TO CONCEAL A SOCIAL INDISCRETION HAS PROBABLY INDEED BEEN USED FOR THAT PURPOSE BEFORE NOW BUT IT COULD HARDLY BE REGARDED AS AN ASSURED BASIS FOR A RECOGNISED POSITION IN GOOD SOCIETY
MAY I ASK YOU THEN WHAT YOU WOULD ADVISE ME TO DO
I NEED HARDLY SAY I WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TO ENSURE GWENDOLEN S HAPPINESS
I WOULD STRONGLY ADVISE YOU MR WORTHING TO TRY AND ACQUIRE SOME RELATIONS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND TO MAKE A DEFINITE EFFORT TO PRODUCE AT ANY RATE ONE PARENT OF EITHER SEX BEFORE THE SEASON IS QUITE OVER
WELL I DON T SEE HOW I COULD POSSIBLY MANAGE TO DO THAT
I CAN PRODUCE THE HAND BAG AT ANY MOMENT
IT IS IN MY DRESSING ROOM AT HOME
I REALLY THINK THAT SHOULD SATISFY YOU LADY BRACKNELL
WHAT HAS IT TO DO WITH ME
YOU CAN HARDLY IMAGINE THAT I AND LORD BRACKNELL WOULD DREAM OF ALLOWING OUR ONLY DAUGHTER A GIRL BROUGHT UP WITH THE UTMOST CARE TO MARRY INTO A CLOAK ROOM AND FORM AN ALLIANCE WITH A PARCEL
GOOD MORNING MR WORTHING
FOR GOODNESS SAKE DON T PLAY THAT GHASTLY TUNE ALGY
HOW IDIOTIC YOU ARE
DIDN T IT GO OFF ALL RIGHT OLD BOY
YOU DON T MEAN TO SAY GWENDOLEN REFUSED YOU
I KNOW IT IS A WAY SHE HAS
SHE IS ALWAYS REFUSING PEOPLE
I THINK IT IS MOST ILL NATURED OF HER
OH GWENDOLEN IS AS RIGHT AS A TRIVET
AS FAR AS SHE IS CONCERNED WE ARE ENGAGED
HER MOTHER IS PERFECTLY UNBEARABLE
NEVER MET SUCH A GORGON I DON T REALLY KNOW WHAT A GORGON IS LIKE BUT I AM QUITE SURE THAT LADY BRACKNELL IS ONE
IN ANY CASE SHE IS A MONSTER WITHOUT BEING A MYTH WHICH IS RATHER UNFAIR I BEG YOUR PARDON ALGY I SUPPOSE I SHOULDN T TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN AUNT IN THAT WAY BEFORE YOU
MY DEAR BOY I LOVE HEARING MY RELATIONS ABUSED
IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME PUT UP WITH THEM AT ALL
RELATIONS ARE SIMPLY A TEDIOUS PACK OF PEOPLE WHO HAVEN T GOT THE REMOTEST KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO LIVE NOR THE SMALLEST INSTINCT ABOUT WHEN TO DIE
OH THAT IS NONSENSE
WELL I WON T ARGUE ABOUT THE MATTER
YOU ALWAYS WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT THINGS
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THINGS WERE ORIGINALLY MADE FOR
UPON MY WORD IF I THOUGHT THAT I D SHOOT MYSELF
YOU DON T THINK THERE IS ANY CHANCE OF GWENDOLEN BECOMING LIKE HER MOTHER IN ABOUT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS DO YOU ALGY
ALL WOMEN BECOME LIKE THEIR MOTHERS
THAT IS THEIR TRAGEDY
NO MAN DOES
IS THAT CLEVER
IT IS PERFECTLY PHRASED AND QUITE AS TRUE AS ANY OBSERVATION IN CIVILISED LIFE SHOULD BE
I AM SICK TO DEATH OF CLEVERNESS
EVERYBODY IS CLEVER NOWADAYS
YOU CAN T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MEETING CLEVER PEOPLE
THE THING HAS BECOME AN ABSOLUTE PUBLIC NUISANCE
I WISH TO GOODNESS WE HAD A FEW FOOLS LEFT
I SHOULD EXTREMELY LIKE TO MEET THEM
WHAT DO THEY TALK ABOUT
OH ABOUT THE CLEVER PEOPLE OF COURSE
BY THE WAY DID YOU TELL GWENDOLEN THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR BEING ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY
MY DEAR FELLOW THE TRUTH ISN T QUITE THE SORT OF THING ONE TELLS TO A NICE SWEET REFINED GIRL
WHAT EXTRAORDINARY IDEAS YOU HAVE ABOUT THE WAY TO BEHAVE TO A WOMAN
THE ONLY WAY TO BEHAVE TO A WOMAN IS TO MAKE LOVE TO HER IF SHE IS PRETTY AND TO SOME ONE ELSE IF SHE IS PLAIN
OH THAT IS NONSENSE
WHAT ABOUT YOUR BROTHER
WHAT ABOUT THE PROFLIGATE ERNEST
OH BEFORE THE END OF THE WEEK I SHALL HAVE GOT RID OF HIM
I LL SAY HE DIED IN PARIS OF APOPLEXY
LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE OF APOPLEXY QUITE SUDDENLY DON T THEY
YES BUT IT S HEREDITARY MY DEAR FELLOW
IT S A SORT OF THING THAT RUNS IN FAMILIES
YOU HAD MUCH BETTER SAY A SEVERE CHILL
YOU ARE SURE A SEVERE CHILL ISN T HEREDITARY OR ANYTHING OF THAT KIND
OF COURSE IT ISN T
VERY WELL THEN
MY POOR BROTHER ERNEST TO CARRIED OFF SUDDENLY IN PARIS BY A SEVERE CHILL
THAT GETS RID OF HIM
BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT MISS CARDEW WAS A LITTLE TOO MUCH INTERESTED IN YOUR POOR BROTHER ERNEST
WON T SHE FEEL HIS LOSS A GOOD DEAL
OH THAT IS ALL RIGHT
CECILY IS NOT A SILLY ROMANTIC GIRL I AM GLAD TO SAY
SHE HAS GOT A CAPITAL APPETITE GOES LONG WALKS AND PAYS NO ATTENTION AT ALL TO HER LESSONS
I WOULD RATHER LIKE TO SEE CECILY
I WILL TAKE VERY GOOD CARE YOU NEVER DO
SHE IS EXCESSIVELY PRETTY AND SHE IS ONLY JUST EIGHTEEN
HAVE YOU TOLD GWENDOLEN YET THAT YOU HAVE AN EXCESSIVELY PRETTY WARD WHO IS ONLY JUST EIGHTEEN
OH ONE DOESN T BLURT THESE THINGS OUT TO PEOPLE
CECILY AND GWENDOLEN ARE PERFECTLY CERTAIN TO BE EXTREMELY GREAT FRIENDS
I LL BET YOU ANYTHING YOU LIKE THAT HALF AN HOUR AFTER THEY HAVE MET THEY WILL BE CALLING EACH OTHER SISTER
WOMEN ONLY DO THAT WHEN THEY HAVE CALLED EACH OTHER A LOT OF OTHER THINGS FIRST
NOW MY DEAR BOY IF WE WANT TO GET A GOOD TABLE AT WILLIS S WE REALLY MUST GO AND DRESS
DO YOU KNOW IT IS NEARLY SEVEN
IT ALWAYS IS NEARLY SEVEN
WELL I M HUNGRY
I NEVER KNEW YOU WHEN YOU WEREN T
WHAT SHALL WE DO AFTER DINNER
GO TO A THEATRE
I LOATHE LISTENING
WELL LET US GO TO THE CLUB
I HATE TALKING
WELL WE MIGHT TROT ROUND TO THE EMPIRE AT TEN
I CAN T BEAR LOOKING AT THINGS
IT IS SO SILLY
WELL WHAT SHALL WE DO
IT IS AWFULLY HARD WORK DOING NOTHING
HOWEVER I DON T MIND HARD WORK WHERE THERE IS NO DEFINITE OBJECT OF ANY KIND
GWENDOLEN UPON MY WORD
ALGY KINDLY TURN YOUR BACK
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY PARTICULAR TO SAY TO MR WORTHING
REALLY GWENDOLEN I DON T THINK I CAN ALLOW THIS AT ALL
ALGY YOU ALWAYS ADOPT A STRICTLY IMMORAL ATTITUDE TOWARDS LIFE
YOU ARE NOT QUITE OLD ENOUGH TO DO THAT
MY OWN DARLING
ERNEST WE MAY NEVER BE MARRIED
FROM THE EXPRESSION ON MAMMA S FACE I FEAR WE NEVER SHALL
FEW PARENTS NOWADAYS PAY ANY REGARD TO WHAT THEIR CHILDREN SAY TO THEM
THE OLD FASHIONED RESPECT FOR THE YOUNG IS FAST DYING OUT
WHATEVER INFLUENCE I EVER HAD OVER MAMMA I LOST AT THE AGE OF THREE
BUT ALTHOUGH SHE MAY PREVENT US FROM BECOMING MAN AND WIFE AND I MAY MARRY SOME ONE ELSE AND MARRY OFTEN NOTHING THAT SHE CAN POSSIBLY DO CAN ALTER MY ETERNAL DEVOTION TO YOU
THE STORY OF YOUR ROMANTIC ORIGIN AS RELATED TO ME BY MAMMA WITH UNPLEASING COMMENTS HAS NATURALLY STIRRED THE DEEPER FIBRES OF MY NATURE
YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME HAS AN IRRESISTIBLE FASCINATION
THE SIMPLICITY OF YOUR CHARACTER MAKES YOU EXQUISITELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ME
YOUR TOWN ADDRESS AT THE ALBANY I HAVE
WHAT IS YOUR ADDRESS IN THE COUNTRY
THE MANOR HOUSE WOOLTON HERTFORDSHIRE
THERE IS A GOOD POSTAL SERVICE I SUPPOSE
IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO DO SOMETHING DESPERATE
THAT OF COURSE WILL REQUIRE SERIOUS CONSIDERATION
I WILL COMMUNICATE WITH YOU DAILY
MY OWN ONE
HOW LONG DO YOU REMAIN IN TOWN
ALGY YOU MAY TURN ROUND NOW
THANKS I VE TURNED ROUND ALREADY
YOU MAY ALSO RING THE BELL
YOU WILL LET ME SEE YOU TO YOUR CARRIAGE MY OWN DARLING
I WILL SEE MISS FAIRFAX OUT
A GLASS OF SHERRY LANE
TO MORROW LANE I M GOING BUNBURYING
I SHALL PROBABLY NOT BE BACK TILL MONDAY
YOU CAN PUT UP MY DRESS CLOTHES MY SMOKING JACKET AND ALL THE BUNBURY SUITS
I HOPE TO MORROW WILL BE A FINE DAY LANE
IT NEVER IS SIR
LANE YOU RE A PERFECT PESSIMIST
I DO MY BEST TO GIVE SATISFACTION SIR
THERE S A SENSIBLE INTELLECTUAL GIRL THE ONLY GIRL I EVER CARED FOR IN MY LIFE
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU SO AMUSED AT
OH I M A LITTLE ANXIOUS ABOUT POOR BUNBURY THAT IS ALL
IF YOU DON T TAKE CARE YOUR FRIEND BUNBURY WILL GET YOU INTO A SERIOUS SCRAPE SOME DAY
I LOVE SCRAPES
THEY ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT ARE NEVER SERIOUS
OH THAT S NONSENSE ALGY
YOU NEVER TALK ANYTHING BUT NONSENSE
NOBODY EVER DOES
GARDEN AT THE MANOR HOUSE
A FLIGHT OF GREY STONE STEPS LEADS UP TO THE HOUSE
THE GARDEN AN OLD FASHIONED ONE FULL OF ROSES
TIME OF YEAR JULY
BASKET CHAIRS AND A TABLE COVERED WITH BOOKS ARE SET UNDER A LARGE YEW TREE
SURELY SUCH A UTILITARIAN OCCUPATION AS THE WATERING OF FLOWERS IS RATHER MOULTON S DUTY THAN YOURS
ESPECIALLY AT A MOMENT WHEN INTELLECTUAL PLEASURES AWAIT YOU
YOUR GERMAN GRAMMAR IS ON THE TABLE
PRAY OPEN IT AT PAGE FIFTEEN
WE WILL REPEAT YESTERDAY S LESSON
BUT I DON T LIKE GERMAN
IT ISN T AT ALL A BECOMING LANGUAGE
I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT I LOOK QUITE PLAIN AFTER MY GERMAN LESSON
CHILD YOU KNOW HOW ANXIOUS YOUR GUARDIAN IS THAT YOU SHOULD IMPROVE YOURSELF IN EVERY WAY
HE LAID PARTICULAR STRESS ON YOUR GERMAN AS HE WAS LEAVING FOR TOWN YESTERDAY
INDEED HE ALWAYS LAYS STRESS ON YOUR GERMAN WHEN HE IS LEAVING FOR TOWN
DEAR UNCLE JACK IS SO VERY SERIOUS
SOMETIMES HE IS SO SERIOUS THAT I THINK HE CANNOT BE QUITE WELL
YOUR GUARDIAN ENJOYS THE BEST OF HEALTH AND HIS GRAVITY OF DEMEANOUR IS ESPECIALLY TO BE COMMENDED IN ONE SO COMPARATIVELY YOUNG AS HE IS
I KNOW NO ONE WHO HAS A HIGHER SENSE OF DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY
I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY HE OFTEN LOOKS A LITTLE BORED WHEN WE THREE ARE TOGETHER
I AM SURPRISED AT YOU
MR WORTHING HAS MANY TROUBLES IN HIS LIFE
IDLE MERRIMENT AND TRIVIALITY WOULD BE OUT OF PLACE IN HIS CONVERSATION
YOU MUST REMEMBER HIS CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT THAT UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN HIS BROTHER
I WISH UNCLE JACK WOULD ALLOW THAT UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN HIS BROTHER TO COME DOWN HERE SOMETIMES
WE MIGHT HAVE A GOOD INFLUENCE OVER HIM MISS PRISM
I AM SURE YOU CERTAINLY WOULD
YOU KNOW GERMAN AND GEOLOGY AND THINGS OF THAT KIND INFLUENCE A MAN VERY MUCH
I DO NOT THINK THAT EVEN I COULD PRODUCE ANY EFFECT ON A CHARACTER THAT ACCORDING TO HIS OWN BROTHER S ADMISSION IS IRRETRIEVABLY WEAK AND VACILLATING
INDEED I AM NOT SURE THAT I WOULD DESIRE TO RECLAIM HIM
I AM NOT IN FAVOUR OF THIS MODERN MANIA FOR TURNING BAD PEOPLE INTO GOOD PEOPLE AT A MOMENT S NOTICE
AS A MAN SOWS SO LET HIM REAP
YOU MUST PUT AWAY YOUR DIARY CECILY
I REALLY DON T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD KEEP A DIARY AT ALL
I KEEP A DIARY IN ORDER TO ENTER THE WONDERFUL SECRETS OF MY LIFE
IF I DIDN T WRITE THEM DOWN I SHOULD PROBABLY FORGET ALL ABOUT THEM
MEMORY MY DEAR CECILY IS THE DIARY THAT WE ALL CARRY ABOUT WITH US
YES BUT IT USUALLY CHRONICLES THE THINGS THAT HAVE NEVER HAPPENED AND COULDN T POSSIBLY HAVE HAPPENED
I BELIEVE THAT MEMORY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR NEARLY ALL THE THREE VOLUME NOVELS THAT MUDIE SENDS US
DO NOT SPEAK SLIGHTINGLY OF THE THREE VOLUME NOVEL CECILY
I WROTE ONE MYSELF IN EARLIER DAYS
DID YOU REALLY MISS PRISM
HOW WONDERFULLY CLEVER YOU ARE
I HOPE IT DID NOT END HAPPILY
I DON T LIKE NOVELS THAT END HAPPILY
THEY DEPRESS ME SO MUCH
THE GOOD ENDED HAPPILY AND THE BAD UNHAPPILY
THAT IS WHAT FICTION MEANS
I SUPPOSE SO
BUT IT SEEMS VERY UNFAIR
AND WAS YOUR NOVEL EVER PUBLISHED
THE MANUSCRIPT UNFORTUNATELY WAS ABANDONED
I USE THE WORD IN THE SENSE OF LOST OR MISLAID
TO YOUR WORK CHILD THESE SPECULATIONS ARE PROFITLESS
BUT I SEE DEAR DR CHASUBLE COMING UP THROUGH THE GARDEN
THIS IS INDEED A PLEASURE
AND HOW ARE WE THIS MORNING
MISS PRISM YOU ARE I TRUST WELL
MISS PRISM HAS JUST BEEN COMPLAINING OF A SLIGHT HEADACHE
I THINK IT WOULD DO HER SO MUCH GOOD TO HAVE A SHORT STROLL WITH YOU IN THE PARK DR CHASUBLE
CECILY I HAVE NOT MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT A HEADACHE
NO DEAR MISS PRISM I KNOW THAT BUT I FELT INSTINCTIVELY THAT YOU HAD A HEADACHE
INDEED I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT AND NOT ABOUT MY GERMAN LESSON WHEN THE RECTOR CAME IN
I HOPE CECILY YOU ARE NOT INATTENTIVE
OH I AM AFRAID I AM
THAT IS STRANGE
WERE I FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE MISS PRISM S PUPIL I WOULD HANG UPON HER LIPS
I SPOKE METAPHORICALLY MY METAPHOR WAS DRAWN FROM BEES
MR WORTHING I SUPPOSE HAS NOT RETURNED FROM TOWN YET
WE DO NOT EXPECT HIM TILL MONDAY AFTERNOON
AH YES HE USUALLY LIKES TO SPEND HIS SUNDAY IN LONDON
HE IS NOT ONE OF THOSE WHOSE SOLE AIM IS ENJOYMENT AS BY ALL ACCOUNTS THAT UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN HIS BROTHER SEEMS TO BE
BUT I MUST NOT DISTURB EGERIA AND HER PUPIL ANY LONGER
MY NAME IS LAETITIA DOCTOR
A CLASSICAL ALLUSION MERELY DRAWN FROM THE PAGAN AUTHORS
I SHALL SEE YOU BOTH NO DOUBT AT EVENSONG
I THINK DEAR DOCTOR I WILL HAVE A STROLL WITH YOU
I FIND I HAVE A HEADACHE AFTER ALL AND A WALK MIGHT DO IT GOOD
WITH PLEASURE MISS PRISM WITH PLEASURE
WE MIGHT GO AS FAR AS THE SCHOOLS AND BACK
THAT WOULD BE DELIGHTFUL
CECILY YOU WILL READ YOUR POLITICAL ECONOMY IN MY ABSENCE
THE CHAPTER ON THE FALL OF THE RUPEE YOU MAY OMIT
IT IS SOMEWHAT TOO SENSATIONAL
EVEN THESE METALLIC PROBLEMS HAVE THEIR MELODRAMATIC SIDE
HORRID POLITICAL ECONOMY
HORRID HORRID GERMAN
MR ERNEST WORTHING HAS JUST DRIVEN OVER FROM THE STATION
HE HAS BROUGHT HIS LUGGAGE WITH HIM
MR ERNEST WORTHING B THE ALBANY W UNCLE JACK S BROTHER
DID YOU TELL HIM MR WORTHING WAS IN TOWN
HE SEEMED VERY MUCH DISAPPOINTED
I MENTIONED THAT YOU AND MISS PRISM WERE IN THE GARDEN
HE SAID HE WAS ANXIOUS TO SPEAK TO YOU PRIVATELY FOR A MOMENT
ASK MR ERNEST WORTHING TO COME HERE
I SUPPOSE YOU HAD BETTER TALK TO THE HOUSEKEEPER ABOUT A ROOM FOR HIM
I HAVE NEVER MET ANY REALLY WICKED PERSON BEFORE
I FEEL RATHER FRIGHTENED
I AM SO AFRAID HE WILL LOOK JUST LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE
YOU ARE MY LITTLE COUSIN CECILY I M SURE
YOU ARE UNDER SOME STRANGE MISTAKE
I AM NOT LITTLE
IN FACT I BELIEVE I AM MORE THAN USUALLY TALL FOR MY AGE
BUT I AM YOUR COUSIN CECILY
YOU I SEE FROM YOUR CARD ARE UNCLE JACK S BROTHER MY COUSIN ERNEST MY WICKED COUSIN ERNEST
OH I AM NOT REALLY WICKED AT ALL COUSIN CECILY
YOU MUSTN T THINK THAT I AM WICKED
IF YOU ARE NOT THEN YOU HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN DECEIVING US ALL IN A VERY INEXCUSABLE MANNER
I HOPE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE PRETENDING TO BE WICKED AND BEING REALLY GOOD ALL THE TIME
THAT WOULD BE HYPOCRISY
OF COURSE I HAVE BEEN RATHER RECKLESS
I AM GLAD TO HEAR IT
IN FACT NOW YOU MENTION THE SUBJECT I HAVE BEEN VERY BAD IN MY OWN SMALL WAY
I DON T THINK YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF THAT THOUGH I AM SURE IT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY PLEASANT
IT IS MUCH PLEASANTER BEING HERE WITH YOU
I CAN T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE HERE AT ALL
UNCLE JACK WON T BE BACK TILL MONDAY AFTERNOON
THAT IS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT
I AM OBLIGED TO GO UP BY THE FIRST TRAIN ON MONDAY MORNING
I HAVE A BUSINESS APPOINTMENT THAT I AM ANXIOUS TO MISS
COULDN T YOU MISS IT ANYWHERE BUT IN LONDON
NO THE APPOINTMENT IS IN LONDON
WELL I KNOW OF COURSE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS NOT TO KEEP A BUSINESS ENGAGEMENT IF ONE WANTS TO RETAIN ANY SENSE OF THE BEAUTY OF LIFE BUT STILL I THINK YOU HAD BETTER WAIT TILL UNCLE JACK ARRIVES
I KNOW HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR EMIGRATING
ABOUT MY WHAT
HE HAS GONE UP TO BUY YOUR OUTFIT
I CERTAINLY WOULDN T LET JACK BUY MY OUTFIT
HE HAS NO TASTE IN NECKTIES AT ALL
I DON T THINK YOU WILL REQUIRE NECKTIES
UNCLE JACK IS SENDING YOU TO AUSTRALIA
I D SOONER DIE
WELL HE SAID AT DINNER ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THIS WORLD THE NEXT WORLD AND AUSTRALIA
THE ACCOUNTS I HAVE RECEIVED OF AUSTRALIA AND THE NEXT WORLD ARE NOT PARTICULARLY ENCOURAGING
THIS WORLD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME COUSIN CECILY
YES BUT ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT
I M AFRAID I M NOT THAT
THAT IS WHY I WANT YOU TO REFORM ME
YOU MIGHT MAKE THAT YOUR MISSION IF YOU DON T MIND COUSIN CECILY
I M AFRAID I VE NO TIME THIS AFTERNOON
WELL WOULD YOU MIND MY REFORMING MYSELF THIS AFTERNOON
IT IS RATHER QUIXOTIC OF YOU
BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY
I FEEL BETTER ALREADY
YOU ARE LOOKING A LITTLE WORSE
THAT IS BECAUSE I AM HUNGRY
HOW THOUGHTLESS OF ME
I SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT WHEN ONE IS GOING TO LEAD AN ENTIRELY NEW LIFE ONE REQUIRES REGULAR AND WHOLESOME MEALS
WON T YOU COME IN
MIGHT I HAVE A BUTTONHOLE FIRST
I NEVER HAVE ANY APPETITE UNLESS I HAVE A BUTTONHOLE FIRST
A MARECHAL NIEL
NO I D SOONER HAVE A PINK ROSE
BECAUSE YOU ARE LIKE A PINK ROSE COUSIN CECILY
I DON T THINK IT CAN BE RIGHT FOR YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT
MISS PRISM NEVER SAYS SUCH THINGS TO ME
THEN MISS PRISM IS A SHORT SIGHTED OLD LADY
YOU ARE THE PRETTIEST GIRL I EVER SAW
MISS PRISM SAYS THAT ALL GOOD LOOKS ARE A SNARE
THEY ARE A SNARE THAT EVERY SENSIBLE MAN WOULD LIKE TO BE CAUGHT IN
OH I DON T THINK I WOULD CARE TO CATCH A SENSIBLE MAN
I SHOULDN T KNOW WHAT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT
YOU ARE TOO MUCH ALONE DEAR DR CHASUBLE
YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED
A MISANTHROPE I CAN UNDERSTAND A WOMANTHROPE NEVER
BELIEVE ME I DO NOT DESERVE SO NEOLOGISTIC A PHRASE
THE PRECEPT AS WELL AS THE PRACTICE OF THE PRIMITIVE CHURCH WAS DISTINCTLY AGAINST MATRIMONY
THAT IS OBVIOUSLY THE REASON WHY THE PRIMITIVE CHURCH HAS NOT LASTED UP TO THE PRESENT DAY
AND YOU DO NOT SEEM TO REALISE DEAR DOCTOR THAT BY PERSISTENTLY REMAINING SINGLE A MAN CONVERTS HIMSELF INTO A PERMANENT PUBLIC TEMPTATION
MEN SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL THIS VERY CELIBACY LEADS WEAKER VESSELS ASTRAY
BUT IS A MAN NOT EQUALLY ATTRACTIVE WHEN MARRIED
NO MARRIED MAN IS EVER ATTRACTIVE EXCEPT TO HIS WIFE
AND OFTEN I VE BEEN TOLD NOT EVEN TO HER
THAT DEPENDS ON THE INTELLECTUAL SYMPATHIES OF THE WOMAN
MATURITY CAN ALWAYS BE DEPENDED ON
RIPENESS CAN BE TRUSTED
YOUNG WOMEN ARE GREEN
I SPOKE HORTICULTURALLY
MY METAPHOR WAS DRAWN FROM FRUITS
BUT WHERE IS CECILY
PERHAPS SHE FOLLOWED US TO THE SCHOOLS
THIS IS INDEED A SURPRISE
WE DID NOT LOOK FOR YOU TILL MONDAY AFTERNOON
I HAVE RETURNED SOONER THAN I EXPECTED
DR CHASUBLE I HOPE YOU ARE WELL
DEAR MR WORTHING I TRUST THIS GARB OF WOE DOES NOT BETOKEN SOME TERRIBLE CALAMITY
MORE SHAMEFUL DEBTS AND EXTRAVAGANCE
STILL LEADING HIS LIFE OF PLEASURE
YOUR BROTHER ERNEST DEAD
WHAT A LESSON FOR HIM
I TRUST HE WILL PROFIT BY IT
MR WORTHING I OFFER YOU MY SINCERE CONDOLENCE
YOU HAVE AT LEAST THE CONSOLATION OF KNOWING THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE MOST GENEROUS AND FORGIVING OF BROTHERS
HE HAD MANY FAULTS BUT IT IS A SAD SAD BLOW
VERY SAD INDEED
WERE YOU WITH HIM AT THE END
HE DIED ABROAD IN PARIS IN FACT
I HAD A TELEGRAM LAST NIGHT FROM THE MANAGER OF THE GRAND HOTEL
WAS THE CAUSE OF DEATH MENTIONED
A SEVERE CHILL IT SEEMS
AS A MAN SOWS SO SHALL HE REAP
CHARITY DEAR MISS PRISM CHARITY
NONE OF US ARE PERFECT
I MYSELF AM PECULIARLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO DRAUGHTS
WILL THE INTERMENT TAKE PLACE HERE
HE SEEMS TO HAVE EXPRESSED A DESIRE TO BE BURIED IN PARIS
I FEAR THAT HARDLY POINTS TO ANY VERY SERIOUS STATE OF MIND AT THE LAST
YOU WOULD NO DOUBT WISH ME TO MAKE SOME SLIGHT ALLUSION TO THIS TRAGIC DOMESTIC AFFLICTION NEXT SUNDAY
MY SERMON ON THE MEANING OF THE MANNA IN THE WILDERNESS CAN BE ADAPTED TO ALMOST ANY OCCASION JOYFUL OR AS IN THE PRESENT CASE DISTRESSING
I HAVE PREACHED IT AT HARVEST CELEBRATIONS CHRISTENINGS CONFIRMATIONS ON DAYS OF HUMILIATION AND FESTAL DAYS
THE LAST TIME I DELIVERED IT WAS IN THE CATHEDRAL AS A CHARITY SERMON ON BEHALF OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF DISCONTENT AMONG THE UPPER ORDERS
THE BISHOP WHO WAS PRESENT WAS MUCH STRUCK BY SOME OF THE ANALOGIES I DREW
AH THAT REMINDS ME YOU MENTIONED CHRISTENINGS I THINK DR
I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW HOW TO CHRISTEN ALL RIGHT
I MEAN OF COURSE YOU ARE CONTINUALLY CHRISTENING AREN T YOU
IT IS I REGRET TO SAY ONE OF THE RECTOR S MOST CONSTANT DUTIES IN THIS PARISH
I HAVE OFTEN SPOKEN TO THE POORER CLASSES ON THE SUBJECT
BUT THEY DON T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THRIFT IS
BUT IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR INFANT IN WHOM YOU ARE INTERESTED MR WORTHING
YOUR BROTHER WAS I BELIEVE UNMARRIED WAS HE NOT
PEOPLE WHO LIVE ENTIRELY FOR PLEASURE USUALLY ARE
BUT IT IS NOT FOR ANY CHILD DEAR DOCTOR
I AM VERY FOND OF CHILDREN
NO THE FACT IS I WOULD LIKE TO BE CHRISTENED MYSELF THIS AFTERNOON IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO
BUT SURELY MR WORTHING YOU HAVE BEEN CHRISTENED ALREADY
I DON T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT IT
BUT HAVE YOU ANY GRAVE DOUBTS ON THE SUBJECT
I CERTAINLY INTEND TO HAVE
OF COURSE I DON T KNOW IF THE THING WOULD BOTHER YOU IN ANY WAY OR IF YOU THINK I AM A LITTLE TOO OLD NOW
NOT AT ALL
THE SPRINKLING AND INDEED THE IMMERSION OF ADULTS IS A PERFECTLY CANONICAL PRACTICE
YOU NEED HAVE NO APPREHENSIONS
SPRINKLING IS ALL THAT IS NECESSARY OR INDEED I THINK ADVISABLE
OUR WEATHER IS SO CHANGEABLE
AT WHAT HOUR WOULD YOU WISH THE CEREMONY PERFORMED
OH I MIGHT TROT ROUND ABOUT FIVE IF THAT WOULD SUIT YOU
IN FACT I HAVE TWO SIMILAR CEREMONIES TO PERFORM AT THAT TIME
A CASE OF TWINS THAT OCCURRED RECENTLY IN ONE OF THE OUTLYING COTTAGES ON YOUR OWN ESTATE
POOR JENKINS THE CARTER A MOST HARD WORKING MAN
I DON T SEE MUCH FUN IN BEING CHRISTENED ALONG WITH OTHER BABIES
IT WOULD BE CHILDISH
WOULD HALF PAST FIVE DO
AND NOW DEAR MR
WORTHING I WILL NOT INTRUDE ANY LONGER INTO A HOUSE OF SORROW
I WOULD MERELY BEG YOU NOT TO BE TOO MUCH BOWED DOWN BY GRIEF
WHAT SEEM TO US BITTER TRIALS ARE OFTEN BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE
THIS SEEMS TO ME A BLESSING OF AN EXTREMELY OBVIOUS KIND
OH I AM PLEASED TO SEE YOU BACK
BUT WHAT HORRID CLOTHES YOU HAVE GOT ON
DO GO AND CHANGE THEM
MY CHILD MY CHILD
WHAT IS THE MATTER UNCLE JACK
DO LOOK HAPPY
YOU LOOK AS IF YOU HAD TOOTHACHE AND I HAVE GOT SUCH A SURPRISE FOR YOU
WHO DO YOU THINK IS IN THE DINING ROOM
YOUR BROTHER ERNEST
HE ARRIVED ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO
I HAVEN T GOT A BROTHER
OH DON T SAY THAT
HOWEVER BADLY HE MAY HAVE BEHAVED TO YOU IN THE PAST HE IS STILL YOUR BROTHER
YOU COULDN T BE SO HEARTLESS AS TO DISOWN HIM
I LL TELL HIM TO COME OUT
AND YOU WILL SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM WON T YOU UNCLE JACK
THESE ARE VERY JOYFUL TIDINGS
AFTER WE HAD ALL BEEN RESIGNED TO HIS LOSS HIS SUDDEN RETURN SEEMS TO ME PECULIARLY DISTRESSING
MY BROTHER IS IN THE DINING ROOM
I DON T KNOW WHAT IT ALL MEANS
I THINK IT IS PERFECTLY ABSURD
BROTHER JOHN I HAVE COME DOWN FROM TOWN TO TELL YOU THAT I AM VERY SORRY FOR ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE GIVEN YOU AND THAT I INTEND TO LEAD A BETTER LIFE IN THE FUTURE
UNCLE JACK YOU ARE NOT GOING TO REFUSE YOUR OWN BROTHER S HAND
NOTHING WILL INDUCE ME TO TAKE HIS HAND
I THINK HIS COMING DOWN HERE DISGRACEFUL
HE KNOWS PERFECTLY WELL WHY
UNCLE JACK DO BE NICE
THERE IS SOME GOOD IN EVERY ONE
ERNEST HAS JUST BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT HIS POOR INVALID FRIEND MR BUNBURY WHOM HE GOES TO VISIT SO OFTEN
AND SURELY THERE MUST BE MUCH GOOD IN ONE WHO IS KIND TO AN INVALID AND LEAVES THE PLEASURES OF LONDON TO SIT BY A BED OF PAIN
OH HE HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT BUNBURY HAS HE
YES HE HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT POOR MR BUNBURY AND HIS TERRIBLE STATE OF HEALTH
WELL I WON T HAVE HIM TALK TO YOU ABOUT BUNBURY OR ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE
IT IS ENOUGH TO DRIVE ONE PERFECTLY FRANTIC
OF COURSE I ADMIT THAT THE FAULTS WERE ALL ON MY SIDE
BUT I MUST SAY THAT I THINK THAT BROTHER JOHN S COLDNESS TO ME IS PECULIARLY PAINFUL
I EXPECTED A MORE ENTHUSIASTIC WELCOME ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE COME HERE
UNCLE JACK IF YOU DON T SHAKE HANDS WITH ERNEST I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
NEVER FORGIVE ME
NEVER NEVER NEVER
WELL THIS IS THE LAST TIME I SHALL EVER DO IT
IT S PLEASANT IS IT NOT TO SEE SO PERFECT A RECONCILIATION
I THINK WE MIGHT LEAVE THE TWO BROTHERS TOGETHER
CECILY YOU WILL COME WITH US
CERTAINLY MISS PRISM
MY LITTLE TASK OF RECONCILIATION IS OVER
YOU HAVE DONE A BEAUTIFUL ACTION TO DAY DEAR CHILD
WE MUST NOT BE PREMATURE IN OUR JUDGMENTS
I FEEL VERY HAPPY
YOU YOUNG SCOUNDREL ALGY YOU MUST GET OUT OF THIS PLACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
I DON T ALLOW ANY BUNBURYING HERE
I HAVE PUT MR ERNEST S THINGS IN THE ROOM NEXT TO YOURS SIR
I SUPPOSE THAT IS ALL RIGHT
MR ERNEST S LUGGAGE SIR
I HAVE UNPACKED IT AND PUT IT IN THE ROOM NEXT TO YOUR OWN
THREE PORTMANTEAUS A DRESSING CASE TWO HAT BOXES AND A LARGE LUNCHEON BASKET
I AM AFRAID I CAN T STAY MORE THAN A WEEK THIS TIME
MERRIMAN ORDER THE DOG CART AT ONCE
MR ERNEST HAS BEEN SUDDENLY CALLED BACK TO TOWN
WHAT A FEARFUL LIAR YOU ARE JACK
I HAVE NOT BEEN CALLED BACK TO TOWN AT ALL
YES YOU HAVE
I HAVEN T HEARD ANY ONE CALL ME
YOUR DUTY AS A GENTLEMAN CALLS YOU BACK
MY DUTY AS A GENTLEMAN HAS NEVER INTERFERED WITH MY PLEASURES IN THE SMALLEST DEGREE
I CAN QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT
WELL CECILY IS A DARLING
YOU ARE NOT TO TALK OF MISS CARDEW LIKE THAT
I DON T LIKE IT
WELL I DON T LIKE YOUR CLOTHES
YOU LOOK PERFECTLY RIDICULOUS IN THEM
WHY ON EARTH DON T YOU GO UP AND CHANGE
IT IS PERFECTLY CHILDISH TO BE IN DEEP MOURNING FOR A MAN WHO IS ACTUALLY STAYING FOR A WHOLE WEEK WITH YOU IN YOUR HOUSE AS A GUEST
I CALL IT GROTESQUE
YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT STAYING WITH ME FOR A WHOLE WEEK AS A GUEST OR ANYTHING ELSE
YOU HAVE GOT TO LEAVE BY THE FOUR FIVE TRAIN
I CERTAINLY WON T LEAVE YOU SO LONG AS YOU ARE IN MOURNING
IT WOULD BE MOST UNFRIENDLY
IF I WERE IN MOURNING YOU WOULD STAY WITH ME I SUPPOSE
I SHOULD THINK IT VERY UNKIND IF YOU DIDN T
WELL WILL YOU GO IF I CHANGE MY CLOTHES
YES IF YOU ARE NOT TOO LONG
I NEVER SAW ANYBODY TAKE SO LONG TO DRESS AND WITH SUCH LITTLE RESULT
WELL AT ANY RATE THAT IS BETTER THAN BEING ALWAYS OVER DRESSED AS YOU ARE
IF I AM OCCASIONALLY A LITTLE OVER DRESSED I MAKE UP FOR IT BY BEING ALWAYS IMMENSELY OVER EDUCATED
YOUR VANITY IS RIDICULOUS YOUR CONDUCT AN OUTRAGE AND YOUR PRESENCE IN MY GARDEN UTTERLY ABSURD
HOWEVER YOU HAVE GOT TO CATCH THE FOUR FIVE AND I HOPE YOU WILL HAVE A PLEASANT JOURNEY BACK TO TOWN
THIS BUNBURYING AS YOU CALL IT HAS NOT BEEN A GREAT SUCCESS FOR YOU
I THINK IT HAS BEEN A GREAT SUCCESS
I M IN LOVE WITH CECILY AND THAT IS EVERYTHING
BUT I MUST SEE HER BEFORE I GO AND MAKE ARRANGEMENTS FOR ANOTHER BUNBURY
AH THERE SHE IS
OH I MERELY CAME BACK TO WATER THE ROSES
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH UNCLE JACK
HE S GONE TO ORDER THE DOG CART FOR ME
OH IS HE GOING TO TAKE YOU FOR A NICE DRIVE
HE S GOING TO SEND ME AWAY
THEN HAVE WE GOT TO PART
I AM AFRAID SO
IT S A VERY PAINFUL PARTING
IT IS ALWAYS PAINFUL TO PART FROM PEOPLE WHOM ONE HAS KNOWN FOR A VERY BRIEF SPACE OF TIME
THE ABSENCE OF OLD FRIENDS ONE CAN ENDURE WITH EQUANIMITY
BUT EVEN A MOMENTARY SEPARATION FROM ANYONE TO WHOM ONE HAS JUST BEEN INTRODUCED IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE
THE DOG CART IS AT THE DOOR SIR
IT CAN WAIT MERRIMAN FOR FIVE MINUTES
I HOPE CECILY I SHALL NOT OFFEND YOU IF I STATE QUITE FRANKLY AND OPENLY THAT YOU SEEM TO ME TO BE IN EVERY WAY THE VISIBLE PERSONIFICATION OF ABSOLUTE PERFECTION
I THINK YOUR FRANKNESS DOES YOU GREAT CREDIT ERNEST
IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME I WILL COPY YOUR REMARKS INTO MY DIARY
DO YOU REALLY KEEP A DIARY
I D GIVE ANYTHING TO LOOK AT IT
YOU SEE IT IS SIMPLY A VERY YOUNG GIRL S RECORD OF HER OWN THOUGHTS AND IMPRESSIONS AND CONSEQUENTLY MEANT FOR PUBLICATION
WHEN IT APPEARS IN VOLUME FORM I HOPE YOU WILL ORDER A COPY
BUT PRAY ERNEST DON T STOP
I DELIGHT IN TAKING DOWN FROM DICTATION
I HAVE REACHED ABSOLUTE PERFECTION
YOU CAN GO ON
I AM QUITE READY FOR MORE
OH DON T COUGH ERNEST
WHEN ONE IS DICTATING ONE SHOULD SPEAK FLUENTLY AND NOT COUGH
BESIDES I DON T KNOW HOW TO SPELL A COUGH
CECILY EVER SINCE I FIRST LOOKED UPON YOUR WONDERFUL AND INCOMPARABLE BEAUTY I HAVE DARED TO LOVE YOU WILDLY PASSIONATELY DEVOTEDLY HOPELESSLY
I DON T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME WILDLY PASSIONATELY DEVOTEDLY HOPELESSLY
HOPELESSLY DOESN T SEEM TO MAKE MUCH SENSE DOES IT
THE DOG CART IS WAITING SIR
TELL IT TO COME ROUND NEXT WEEK AT THE SAME HOUR
UNCLE JACK WOULD BE VERY MUCH ANNOYED IF HE KNEW YOU WERE STAYING ON TILL NEXT WEEK AT THE SAME HOUR
OH I DON T CARE ABOUT JACK
I DON T CARE FOR ANYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT YOU
I LOVE YOU CECILY
YOU WILL MARRY ME WON T YOU
YOU SILLY BOY
WHY WE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS
FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS
YES IT WILL BE EXACTLY THREE MONTHS ON THURSDAY
BUT HOW DID WE BECOME ENGAGED
WELL EVER SINCE DEAR UNCLE JACK FIRST CONFESSED TO US THAT HE HAD A YOUNGER BROTHER WHO WAS VERY WICKED AND BAD YOU OF COURSE HAVE FORMED THE CHIEF TOPIC OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN MYSELF AND MISS PRISM
AND OF COURSE A MAN WHO IS MUCH TALKED ABOUT IS ALWAYS VERY ATTRACTIVE
ONE FEELS THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN HIM AFTER ALL
I DARESAY IT WAS FOOLISH OF ME BUT I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ERNEST
AND WHEN WAS THE ENGAGEMENT ACTUALLY SETTLED
ON THE TH OF FEBRUARY LAST
WORN OUT BY YOUR ENTIRE IGNORANCE OF MY EXISTENCE I DETERMINED TO END THE MATTER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER AND AFTER A LONG STRUGGLE WITH MYSELF I ACCEPTED YOU UNDER THIS DEAR OLD TREE HERE
THE NEXT DAY I BOUGHT THIS LITTLE RING IN YOUR NAME AND THIS IS THE LITTLE BANGLE WITH THE TRUE LOVER S KNOT I PROMISED YOU ALWAYS TO WEAR
DID I GIVE YOU THIS
IT S VERY PRETTY ISN T IT
YES YOU VE WONDERFULLY GOOD TASTE ERNEST
IT S THE EXCUSE I VE ALWAYS GIVEN FOR YOUR LEADING SUCH A BAD LIFE
AND THIS IS THE BOX IN WHICH I KEEP ALL YOUR DEAR LETTERS
BUT MY OWN SWEET CECILY I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN YOU ANY LETTERS
YOU NEED HARDLY REMIND ME OF THAT ERNEST
I REMEMBER ONLY TOO WELL THAT I WAS FORCED TO WRITE YOUR LETTERS FOR YOU
I WROTE ALWAYS THREE TIMES A WEEK AND SOMETIMES OFTENER
OH DO LET ME READ THEM CECILY
OH I COULDN T POSSIBLY
THEY WOULD MAKE YOU FAR TOO CONCEITED
THE THREE YOU WROTE ME AFTER I HAD BROKEN OFF THE ENGAGEMENT ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO BADLY SPELLED THAT EVEN NOW I CAN HARDLY READ THEM WITHOUT CRYING A LITTLE
BUT WAS OUR ENGAGEMENT EVER BROKEN OFF
OF COURSE IT WAS
ON THE ND OF LAST MARCH
YOU CAN SEE THE ENTRY IF YOU LIKE
TO DAY I BROKE OFF MY ENGAGEMENT WITH ERNEST
I FEEL IT IS BETTER TO DO SO
THE WEATHER STILL CONTINUES CHARMING
BUT WHY ON EARTH DID YOU BREAK IT OFF
WHAT HAD I DONE
I HAD DONE NOTHING AT ALL
CECILY I AM VERY MUCH HURT INDEED TO HEAR YOU BROKE IT OFF
PARTICULARLY WHEN THE WEATHER WAS SO CHARMING
IT WOULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN A REALLY SERIOUS ENGAGEMENT IF IT HADN T BEEN BROKEN OFF AT LEAST ONCE
BUT I FORGAVE YOU BEFORE THE WEEK WAS OUT
WHAT A PERFECT ANGEL YOU ARE CECILY
YOU DEAR ROMANTIC BOY
I HOPE YOUR HAIR CURLS NATURALLY DOES IT
YES DARLING WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OTHERS
I AM SO GLAD
YOU LL NEVER BREAK OFF OUR ENGAGEMENT AGAIN CECILY
I DON T THINK I COULD BREAK IT OFF NOW THAT I HAVE ACTUALLY MET YOU
BESIDES OF COURSE THERE IS THE QUESTION OF YOUR NAME
YES OF COURSE
YOU MUST NOT LAUGH AT ME DARLING BUT IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN A GIRLISH DREAM OF MINE TO LOVE SOME ONE WHOSE NAME WAS ERNEST
THERE IS SOMETHING IN THAT NAME THAT SEEMS TO INSPIRE ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE
I PITY ANY POOR MARRIED WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND IS NOT CALLED ERNEST
BUT MY DEAR CHILD DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU COULD NOT LOVE ME IF I HAD SOME OTHER NAME
BUT WHAT NAME
OH ANY NAME YOU LIKE ALGERNON FOR INSTANCE
BUT I DON T LIKE THE NAME OF ALGERNON
WELL MY OWN DEAR SWEET LOVING LITTLE DARLING I REALLY CAN T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD OBJECT TO THE NAME OF ALGERNON
IT IS NOT AT ALL A BAD NAME
IN FACT IT IS RATHER AN ARISTOCRATIC NAME
HALF OF THE CHAPS WHO GET INTO THE BANKRUPTCY COURT ARE CALLED ALGERNON
BUT SERIOUSLY CECILY
IF MY NAME WAS ALGY COULDN T YOU LOVE ME
I MIGHT RESPECT YOU ERNEST I MIGHT ADMIRE YOUR CHARACTER BUT I FEAR THAT I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU MY UNDIVIDED ATTENTION
YOUR RECTOR HERE IS I SUPPOSE THOROUGHLY EXPERIENCED IN THE PRACTICE OF ALL THE RITES AND CEREMONIALS OF THE CHURCH
DR CHASUBLE IS A MOST LEARNED MAN
HE HAS NEVER WRITTEN A SINGLE BOOK SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS
I MUST SEE HIM AT ONCE ON A MOST IMPORTANT CHRISTENING I MEAN ON MOST IMPORTANT BUSINESS
I SHAN T BE AWAY MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR
CONSIDERING THAT WE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED SINCE FEBRUARY THE TH AND THAT I ONLY MET YOU TO DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK IT IS RATHER HARD THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE ME FOR SO LONG A PERIOD AS HALF AN HOUR
COULDN T YOU MAKE IT TWENTY MINUTES
I LL BE BACK IN NO TIME
WHAT AN IMPETUOUS BOY HE IS
I LIKE HIS HAIR SO MUCH
I MUST ENTER HIS PROPOSAL IN MY DIARY
A MISS FAIRFAX HAS JUST CALLED TO SEE MR WORTHING
ON VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS MISS FAIRFAX STATES
ISN T MR WORTHING IN HIS LIBRARY
MR WORTHING WENT OVER IN THE DIRECTION OF THE RECTORY SOME TIME AGO
PRAY ASK THE LADY TO COME OUT HERE MR WORTHING IS SURE TO BE BACK SOON
AND YOU CAN BRING TEA
I SUPPOSE ONE OF THE MANY GOOD ELDERLY WOMEN WHO ARE ASSOCIATED WITH UNCLE JACK IN SOME OF HIS PHILANTHROPIC WORK IN LONDON
I DON T QUITE LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE INTERESTED IN PHILANTHROPIC WORK
I THINK IT IS SO FORWARD OF THEM
PRAY LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU
MY NAME IS CECILY CARDEW
WHAT A VERY SWEET NAME
SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE GREAT FRIENDS
I LIKE YOU ALREADY MORE THAN I CAN SAY
MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF PEOPLE ARE NEVER WRONG
HOW NICE OF YOU TO LIKE ME SO MUCH AFTER WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SUCH A COMPARATIVELY SHORT TIME
PRAY SIT DOWN
I MAY CALL YOU CECILY MAY I NOT
AND YOU WILL ALWAYS CALL ME GWENDOLEN WON T YOU
IF YOU WISH
THEN THAT IS ALL QUITE SETTLED IS IT NOT
I HOPE SO
PERHAPS THIS MIGHT BE A FAVOURABLE OPPORTUNITY FOR MY MENTIONING WHO I AM
MY FATHER IS LORD BRACKNELL
YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF PAPA I SUPPOSE
I DON T THINK SO
OUTSIDE THE FAMILY CIRCLE PAPA I AM GLAD TO SAY IS ENTIRELY UNKNOWN
I THINK THAT IS QUITE AS IT SHOULD BE
THE HOME SEEMS TO ME TO BE THE PROPER SPHERE FOR THE MAN
AND CERTAINLY ONCE A MAN BEGINS TO NEGLECT HIS DOMESTIC DUTIES HE BECOMES PAINFULLY EFFEMINATE DOES HE NOT
AND I DON T LIKE THAT
IT MAKES MEN SO VERY ATTRACTIVE
CECILY MAMMA WHOSE VIEWS ON EDUCATION ARE REMARKABLY STRICT HAS BROUGHT ME UP TO BE EXTREMELY SHORT SIGHTED IT IS PART OF HER SYSTEM SO DO YOU MIND MY LOOKING AT YOU THROUGH MY GLASSES
OH NOT AT ALL GWENDOLEN
I AM VERY FOND OF BEING LOOKED AT
YOU ARE HERE ON A SHORT VISIT I SUPPOSE
I LIVE HERE
YOUR MOTHER NO DOUBT OR SOME FEMALE RELATIVE OF ADVANCED YEARS RESIDES HERE ALSO
I HAVE NO MOTHER NOR IN FACT ANY RELATIONS
MY DEAR GUARDIAN WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF MISS PRISM HAS THE ARDUOUS TASK OF LOOKING AFTER ME
YES I AM MR WORTHING S WARD
IT IS STRANGE HE NEVER MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE HAD A WARD
HOW SECRETIVE OF HIM
HE GROWS MORE INTERESTING HOURLY
I AM NOT SURE HOWEVER THAT THE NEWS INSPIRES ME WITH FEELINGS OF UNMIXED DELIGHT
I AM VERY FOND OF YOU CECILY I HAVE LIKED YOU EVER SINCE I MET YOU
BUT I AM BOUND TO STATE THAT NOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU ARE MR WORTHING S WARD I CANNOT HELP EXPRESSING A WISH YOU WERE WELL JUST A LITTLE OLDER THAN YOU SEEM TO BE AND NOT QUITE SO VERY ALLURING IN APPEARANCE
IN FACT IF I MAY SPEAK CANDIDLY
I THINK THAT WHENEVER ONE HAS ANYTHING UNPLEASANT TO SAY ONE SHOULD ALWAYS BE QUITE CANDID
WELL TO SPEAK WITH PERFECT CANDOUR CECILY I WISH THAT YOU WERE FULLY FORTY TWO AND MORE THAN USUALLY PLAIN FOR YOUR AGE
ERNEST HAS A STRONG UPRIGHT NATURE
HE IS THE VERY SOUL OF TRUTH AND HONOUR
DISLOYALTY WOULD BE AS IMPOSSIBLE TO HIM AS DECEPTION
BUT EVEN MEN OF THE NOBLEST POSSIBLE MORAL CHARACTER ARE EXTREMELY SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE INFLUENCE OF THE PHYSICAL CHARMS OF OTHERS
MODERN NO LESS THAN ANCIENT HISTORY SUPPLIES US WITH MANY MOST PAINFUL EXAMPLES OF WHAT I REFER TO
IF IT WERE NOT SO INDEED HISTORY WOULD BE QUITE UNREADABLE
I BEG YOUR PARDON GWENDOLEN DID YOU SAY ERNEST
OH BUT IT IS NOT MR ERNEST WORTHING WHO IS MY GUARDIAN
IT IS HIS BROTHER HIS ELDER BROTHER
ERNEST NEVER MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE HAD A BROTHER
I AM SORRY TO SAY THEY HAVE NOT BEEN ON GOOD TERMS FOR A LONG TIME
AH THAT ACCOUNTS FOR IT
AND NOW THAT I THINK OF IT I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANY MAN MENTION HIS BROTHER
THE SUBJECT SEEMS DISTASTEFUL TO MOST MEN
CECILY YOU HAVE LIFTED A LOAD FROM MY MIND
I WAS GROWING ALMOST ANXIOUS
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE IF ANY CLOUD HAD COME ACROSS A FRIENDSHIP LIKE OURS WOULD IT NOT
OF COURSE YOU ARE QUITE QUITE SURE THAT IT IS NOT MR ERNEST WORTHING WHO IS YOUR GUARDIAN
IN FACT I AM GOING TO BE HIS
I BEG YOUR PARDON
DEAREST GWENDOLEN THERE IS NO REASON WHY I SHOULD MAKE A SECRET OF IT TO YOU
OUR LITTLE COUNTY NEWSPAPER IS SURE TO CHRONICLE THE FACT NEXT WEEK
MR ERNEST WORTHING AND I ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED
MY DARLING CECILY I THINK THERE MUST BE SOME SLIGHT ERROR
MR ERNEST WORTHING IS ENGAGED TO ME
THE ANNOUNCEMENT WILL APPEAR IN THE MORNING POST ON SATURDAY AT THE LATEST
I AM AFRAID YOU MUST BE UNDER SOME MISCONCEPTION
ERNEST PROPOSED TO ME EXACTLY TEN MINUTES AGO
IT IS CERTAINLY VERY CURIOUS FOR HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS WIFE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON AT
IF YOU WOULD CARE TO VERIFY THE INCIDENT PRAY DO SO
I NEVER TRAVEL WITHOUT MY DIARY
ONE SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING SENSATIONAL TO READ IN THE TRAIN
I AM SO SORRY DEAR CECILY IF IT IS ANY DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU BUT I AM AFRAID I HAVE THE PRIOR CLAIM
IT WOULD DISTRESS ME MORE THAN I CAN TELL YOU DEAR GWENDOLEN IF IT CAUSED YOU ANY MENTAL OR PHYSICAL ANGUISH BUT I FEEL BOUND TO POINT OUT THAT SINCE ERNEST PROPOSED TO YOU HE CLEARLY HAS CHANGED HIS MIND
IF THE POOR FELLOW HAS BEEN ENTRAPPED INTO ANY FOOLISH PROMISE I SHALL CONSIDER IT MY DUTY TO RESCUE HIM AT ONCE AND WITH A FIRM HAND
WHATEVER UNFORTUNATE ENTANGLEMENT MY DEAR BOY MAY HAVE GOT INTO I WILL NEVER REPROACH HIM WITH IT AFTER WE ARE MARRIED
DO YOU ALLUDE TO ME MISS CARDEW AS AN ENTANGLEMENT
YOU ARE PRESUMPTUOUS
ON AN OCCASION OF THIS KIND IT BECOMES MORE THAN A MORAL DUTY TO SPEAK ONE S MIND
IT BECOMES A PLEASURE
DO YOU SUGGEST MISS FAIRFAX THAT I ENTRAPPED ERNEST INTO AN ENGAGEMENT
HOW DARE YOU
THIS IS NO TIME FOR WEARING THE SHALLOW MASK OF MANNERS
WHEN I SEE A SPADE I CALL IT A SPADE
I AM GLAD TO SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SPADE
IT IS OBVIOUS THAT OUR SOCIAL SPHERES HAVE BEEN WIDELY DIFFERENT
SHALL I LAY TEA HERE AS USUAL MISS
YES AS USUAL
ARE THERE MANY INTERESTING WALKS IN THE VICINITY MISS CARDEW
OH YES A GREAT MANY
FROM THE TOP OF ONE OF THE HILLS QUITE CLOSE ONE CAN SEE FIVE COUNTIES
I DON T THINK I SHOULD LIKE THAT I HATE CROWDS
I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY YOU LIVE IN TOWN
QUITE A WELL KEPT GARDEN THIS IS MISS CARDEW
SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT MISS FAIRFAX
I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE ANY FLOWERS IN THE COUNTRY
OH FLOWERS ARE AS COMMON HERE MISS FAIRFAX AS PEOPLE ARE IN LONDON
PERSONALLY I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYBODY MANAGES TO EXIST IN THE COUNTRY IF ANYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY DOES
THE COUNTRY ALWAYS BORES ME TO DEATH
THIS IS WHAT THE NEWSPAPERS CALL AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION IS IT NOT
I BELIEVE THE ARISTOCRACY ARE SUFFERING VERY MUCH FROM IT JUST AT PRESENT
IT IS ALMOST AN EPIDEMIC AMONGST THEM I HAVE BEEN TOLD
MAY I OFFER YOU SOME TEA MISS FAIRFAX
BUT I REQUIRE TEA
NO THANK YOU
SUGAR IS NOT FASHIONABLE ANY MORE
CAKE OR BREAD AND BUTTER
BREAD AND BUTTER PLEASE
CAKE IS RARELY SEEN AT THE BEST HOUSES NOWADAYS
HAND THAT TO MISS FAIRFAX
YOU HAVE FILLED MY TEA WITH LUMPS OF SUGAR AND THOUGH I ASKED MOST DISTINCTLY FOR BREAD AND BUTTER YOU HAVE GIVEN ME CAKE
I AM KNOWN FOR THE GENTLENESS OF MY DISPOSITION AND THE EXTRAORDINARY SWEETNESS OF MY NATURE BUT I WARN YOU MISS CARDEW YOU MAY GO TOO FAR
TO SAVE MY POOR INNOCENT TRUSTING BOY FROM THE MACHINATIONS OF ANY OTHER GIRL THERE ARE NO LENGTHS TO WHICH I WOULD NOT GO
FROM THE MOMENT I SAW YOU I DISTRUSTED YOU
I FELT THAT YOU WERE FALSE AND DECEITFUL
I AM NEVER DECEIVED IN SUCH MATTERS
MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF PEOPLE ARE INVARIABLY RIGHT
IT SEEMS TO ME MISS FAIRFAX THAT I AM TRESPASSING ON YOUR VALUABLE TIME
NO DOUBT YOU HAVE MANY OTHER CALLS OF A SIMILAR CHARACTER TO MAKE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
MY OWN ERNEST
MAY I ASK IF YOU ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO THIS YOUNG LADY
TO DEAR LITTLE CECILY
OF COURSE NOT
WHAT COULD HAVE PUT SUCH AN IDEA INTO YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD
I KNEW THERE MUST BE SOME MISUNDERSTANDING MISS FAIRFAX
THE GENTLEMAN WHOSE ARM IS AT PRESENT ROUND YOUR WAIST IS MY GUARDIAN MR JOHN WORTHING
I BEG YOUR PARDON
THIS IS UNCLE JACK
HERE IS ERNEST
MY OWN LOVE
A MOMENT ERNEST
MAY I ASK YOU ARE YOU ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO THIS YOUNG LADY
TO WHAT YOUNG LADY
YES TO GOOD HEAVENS GWENDOLEN I MEAN TO GWENDOLEN
OF COURSE NOT
WHAT COULD HAVE PUT SUCH AN IDEA INTO YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD
I FELT THERE WAS SOME SLIGHT ERROR MISS CARDEW
THE GENTLEMAN WHO IS NOW EMBRACING YOU IS MY COUSIN MR ALGERNON MONCRIEFF
ARE YOU CALLED ALGERNON
I CANNOT DENY IT
IS YOUR NAME REALLY JOHN
I COULD DENY IT IF I LIKED
I COULD DENY ANYTHING IF I LIKED
BUT MY NAME CERTAINLY IS JOHN
IT HAS BEEN JOHN FOR YEARS
A GROSS DECEPTION HAS BEEN PRACTISED ON BOTH OF US
MY POOR WOUNDED CECILY
MY SWEET WRONGED GWENDOLEN
YOU WILL CALL ME SISTER WILL YOU NOT
THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALLOWED TO ASK MY GUARDIAN
AN ADMIRABLE IDEA
MR WORTHING THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION I WOULD LIKE TO BE PERMITTED TO PUT TO YOU
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER ERNEST
WE ARE BOTH ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO YOUR BROTHER ERNEST SO IT IS A MATTER OF SOME IMPORTANCE TO US TO KNOW WHERE YOUR BROTHER ERNEST IS AT PRESENT
GWENDOLEN CECILY IT IS VERY PAINFUL FOR ME TO BE FORCED TO SPEAK THE TRUTH
IT IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN REDUCED TO SUCH A PAINFUL POSITION AND I AM REALLY QUITE INEXPERIENCED IN DOING ANYTHING OF THE KIND
HOWEVER I WILL TELL YOU QUITE FRANKLY THAT I HAVE NO BROTHER ERNEST
I HAVE NO BROTHER AT ALL
I NEVER HAD A BROTHER IN MY LIFE AND I CERTAINLY HAVE NOT THE SMALLEST INTENTION OF EVER HAVING ONE IN THE FUTURE
NO BROTHER AT ALL
HAD YOU NEVER A BROTHER OF ANY KIND
NOT EVEN OF AN KIND
I AM AFRAID IT IS QUITE CLEAR CECILY THAT NEITHER OF US IS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO ANY ONE
IT IS NOT A VERY PLEASANT POSITION FOR A YOUNG GIRL SUDDENLY TO FIND HERSELF IN
LET US GO INTO THE HOUSE
THEY WILL HARDLY VENTURE TO COME AFTER US THERE
NO MEN ARE SO COWARDLY AREN T THEY
THIS GHASTLY STATE OF THINGS IS WHAT YOU CALL BUNBURYING I SUPPOSE
YES AND A PERFECTLY WONDERFUL BUNBURY IT IS
THE MOST WONDERFUL BUNBURY I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE
WELL YOU VE NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO BUNBURY HERE
THAT IS ABSURD
ONE HAS A RIGHT TO BUNBURY ANYWHERE ONE CHOOSES
EVERY SERIOUS BUNBURYIST KNOWS THAT
WELL ONE MUST BE SERIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING IF ONE WANTS TO HAVE ANY AMUSEMENT IN LIFE
I HAPPEN TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT BUNBURYING
WHAT ON EARTH YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT I HAVEN T GOT THE REMOTEST IDEA
ABOUT EVERYTHING I SHOULD FANCY
YOU HAVE SUCH AN ABSOLUTELY TRIVIAL NATURE
WELL THE ONLY SMALL SATISFACTION I HAVE IN THE WHOLE OF THIS WRETCHED BUSINESS IS THAT YOUR FRIEND BUNBURY IS QUITE EXPLODED
YOU WON T BE ABLE TO RUN DOWN TO THE COUNTRY QUITE SO OFTEN AS YOU USED TO DO DEAR ALGY
AND A VERY GOOD THING TOO
YOUR BROTHER IS A LITTLE OFF COLOUR ISN T HE DEAR JACK
YOU WON T BE ABLE TO DISAPPEAR TO LONDON QUITE SO FREQUENTLY AS YOUR WICKED CUSTOM WAS
AND NOT A BAD THING EITHER
AS FOR YOUR CONDUCT TOWARDS MISS CARDEW I MUST SAY THAT YOUR TAKING IN A SWEET SIMPLE INNOCENT GIRL LIKE THAT IS QUITE INEXCUSABLE
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FACT THAT SHE IS MY WARD
I CAN SEE NO POSSIBLE DEFENCE AT ALL FOR YOUR DECEIVING A BRILLIANT CLEVER THOROUGHLY EXPERIENCED YOUNG LADY LIKE MISS FAIRFAX
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FACT THAT SHE IS MY COUSIN
I WANTED TO BE ENGAGED TO GWENDOLEN THAT IS ALL
I LOVE HER
WELL I SIMPLY WANTED TO BE ENGAGED TO CECILY
I ADORE HER
THERE IS CERTAINLY NO CHANCE OF YOUR MARRYING MISS CARDEW
I DON T THINK THERE IS MUCH LIKELIHOOD JACK OF YOU AND MISS FAIRFAX BEING UNITED
WELL THAT IS NO BUSINESS OF YOURS
IF IT WAS MY BUSINESS I WOULDN T TALK ABOUT IT
IT IS VERY VULGAR TO TALK ABOUT ONE S BUSINESS
ONLY PEOPLE LIKE STOCK BROKERS DO THAT AND THEN MERELY AT DINNER PARTIES
HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE CALMLY EATING MUFFINS WHEN WE ARE IN THIS HORRIBLE TROUBLE I CAN T MAKE OUT
YOU SEEM TO ME TO BE PERFECTLY HEARTLESS
WELL I CAN T EAT MUFFINS IN AN AGITATED MANNER
THE BUTTER WOULD PROBABLY GET ON MY CUFFS
ONE SHOULD ALWAYS EAT MUFFINS QUITE CALMLY
IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO EAT THEM
I SAY IT S PERFECTLY HEARTLESS YOUR EATING MUFFINS AT ALL UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES
WHEN I AM IN TROUBLE EATING IS THE ONLY THING THAT CONSOLES ME
INDEED WHEN I AM IN REALLY GREAT TROUBLE AS ANY ONE WHO KNOWS ME INTIMATELY WILL TELL YOU I REFUSE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOOD AND DRINK
AT THE PRESENT MOMENT I AM EATING MUFFINS BECAUSE I AM UNHAPPY
BESIDES I AM PARTICULARLY FOND OF MUFFINS
WELL THAT IS NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD EAT THEM ALL IN THAT GREEDY WAY
I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE TEA CAKE INSTEAD
I DON T LIKE TEA CAKE
I SUPPOSE A MAN MAY EAT HIS OWN MUFFINS IN HIS OWN GARDEN
BUT YOU HAVE JUST SAID IT WAS PERFECTLY HEARTLESS TO EAT MUFFINS
I SAID IT WAS PERFECTLY HEARTLESS OF YOU UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES
THAT IS A VERY DIFFERENT THING
THAT MAY BE
BUT THE MUFFINS ARE THE SAME
ALGY I WISH TO GOODNESS YOU WOULD GO
YOU CAN T POSSIBLY ASK ME TO GO WITHOUT HAVING SOME DINNER
I NEVER GO WITHOUT MY DINNER
NO ONE EVER DOES EXCEPT VEGETARIANS AND PEOPLE LIKE THAT
BESIDES I HAVE JUST MADE ARRANGEMENTS WITH DR CHASUBLE TO BE CHRISTENED AT A QUARTER TO SIX UNDER THE NAME OF ERNEST
MY DEAR FELLOW THE SOONER YOU GIVE UP THAT NONSENSE THE BETTER
I MADE ARRANGEMENTS THIS MORNING WITH DR CHASUBLE TO BE CHRISTENED MYSELF AT AND I NATURALLY WILL TAKE THE NAME OF ERNEST
GWENDOLEN WOULD WISH IT
WE CAN T BOTH BE CHRISTENED ERNEST
BESIDES I HAVE A PERFECT RIGHT TO BE CHRISTENED IF I LIKE
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE AT ALL THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN CHRISTENED BY ANYBODY
I SHOULD THINK IT EXTREMELY PROBABLE I NEVER WAS AND SO DOES DR CHASUBLE
IT IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT IN YOUR CASE
YOU HAVE BEEN CHRISTENED ALREADY
YES BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN CHRISTENED FOR YEARS
YES BUT YOU HAVE BEEN CHRISTENED
THAT IS THE IMPORTANT THING
SO I KNOW MY CONSTITUTION CAN STAND IT
IF YOU ARE NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT YOUR EVER HAVING BEEN CHRISTENED I MUST SAY I THINK IT RATHER DANGEROUS YOUR VENTURING ON IT NOW
IT MIGHT MAKE YOU VERY UNWELL
YOU CAN HARDLY HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT SOME ONE VERY CLOSELY CONNECTED WITH YOU WAS VERY NEARLY CARRIED OFF THIS WEEK IN PARIS BY A SEVERE CHILL
YES BUT YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT A SEVERE CHILL WAS NOT HEREDITARY
IT USEN T TO BE I KNOW BUT I DARESAY IT IS NOW
SCIENCE IS ALWAYS MAKING WONDERFUL IMPROVEMENTS IN THINGS
OH THAT IS NONSENSE YOU ARE ALWAYS TALKING NONSENSE
JACK YOU ARE AT THE MUFFINS AGAIN
I WISH YOU WOULDN T
THERE ARE ONLY TWO LEFT
I TOLD YOU I WAS PARTICULARLY FOND OF MUFFINS
BUT I HATE TEA CAKE
WHY ON EARTH THEN DO YOU ALLOW TEA CAKE TO BE SERVED UP FOR YOUR GUESTS
WHAT IDEAS YOU HAVE OF HOSPITALITY
I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU TO GO
I DON T WANT YOU HERE
WHY DON T YOU GO
I HAVEN T QUITE FINISHED MY TEA YET AND THERE IS STILL ONE MUFFIN LEFT
MORNING ROOM AT THE MANOR HOUSE
THE FACT THAT THEY DID NOT FOLLOW US AT ONCE INTO THE HOUSE AS ANY ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE SEEMS TO ME TO SHOW THAT THEY HAVE SOME SENSE OF SHAME LEFT
THEY HAVE BEEN EATING MUFFINS
THAT LOOKS LIKE REPENTANCE
THEY DON T SEEM TO NOTICE US AT ALL
COULDN T YOU COUGH
BUT I HAVEN T GOT A COUGH
THEY RE LOOKING AT US
THAT S VERY FORWARD OF THEM
LET US PRESERVE A DIGNIFIED SILENCE
IT S THE ONLY THING TO DO NOW
THIS DIGNIFIED SILENCE SEEMS TO PRODUCE AN UNPLEASANT EFFECT
A MOST DISTASTEFUL ONE
BUT WE WILL NOT BE THE FIRST TO SPEAK
MR WORTHING I HAVE SOMETHING VERY PARTICULAR TO ASK YOU
MUCH DEPENDS ON YOUR REPLY
GWENDOLEN YOUR COMMON SENSE IS INVALUABLE
MR MONCRIEFF KINDLY ANSWER ME THE FOLLOWING QUESTION
WHY DID YOU PRETEND TO BE MY GUARDIAN S BROTHER
IN ORDER THAT I MIGHT HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY OF MEETING YOU
THAT CERTAINLY SEEMS A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION DOES IT NOT
YES DEAR IF YOU CAN BELIEVE HIM
BUT THAT DOES NOT AFFECT THE WONDERFUL BEAUTY OF HIS ANSWER
IN MATTERS OF GRAVE IMPORTANCE STYLE NOT SINCERITY IS THE VITAL THING
MR WORTHING WHAT EXPLANATION CAN YOU OFFER TO ME FOR PRETENDING TO HAVE A BROTHER
WAS IT IN ORDER THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY OF COMING UP TO TOWN TO SEE ME AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
CAN YOU DOUBT IT MISS FAIRFAX
I HAVE THE GRAVEST DOUBTS UPON THE SUBJECT
BUT I INTEND TO CRUSH THEM
THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT FOR GERMAN SCEPTICISM
THEIR EXPLANATIONS APPEAR TO BE QUITE SATISFACTORY ESPECIALLY MR WORTHING S
THAT SEEMS TO ME TO HAVE THE STAMP OF TRUTH UPON IT
I AM MORE THAN CONTENT WITH WHAT MR MONCRIEFF SAID
HIS VOICE ALONE INSPIRES ONE WITH ABSOLUTE CREDULITY
THEN YOU THINK WE SHOULD FORGIVE THEM
I MEAN NO
I HAD FORGOTTEN
THERE ARE PRINCIPLES AT STAKE THAT ONE CANNOT SURRENDER
WHICH OF US SHOULD TELL THEM
THE TASK IS NOT A PLEASANT ONE
COULD WE NOT BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME
AN EXCELLENT IDEA
I NEARLY ALWAYS SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME AS OTHER PEOPLE
WILL YOU TAKE THE TIME FROM ME
GWENDOLEN AND CECILY YOUR CHRISTIAN NAMES ARE STILL AN INSUPERABLE BARRIER
THAT IS ALL
JACK AND ALGERNON OUR CHRISTIAN NAMES
IS THAT ALL
BUT WE ARE GOING TO BE CHRISTENED THIS AFTERNOON
FOR MY SAKE YOU ARE PREPARED TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING
TO PLEASE ME YOU ARE READY TO FACE THIS FEARFUL ORDEAL
HOW ABSURD TO TALK OF THE EQUALITY OF THE SEXES
WHERE QUESTIONS OF SELF SACRIFICE ARE CONCERNED MEN ARE INFINITELY BEYOND US
THEY HAVE MOMENTS OF PHYSICAL COURAGE OF WHICH WE WOMEN KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
MERELY THAT I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO MR WORTHING MAMMA
SIT DOWN IMMEDIATELY
HESITATION OF ANY KIND IS A SIGN OF MENTAL DECAY IN THE YOUNG OF PHYSICAL WEAKNESS IN THE OLD
APPRISED SIR OF MY DAUGHTER S SUDDEN FLIGHT BY HER TRUSTY MAID WHOSE CONFIDENCE I PURCHASED BY MEANS OF A SMALL COIN I FOLLOWED HER AT ONCE BY A LUGGAGE TRAIN
HER UNHAPPY FATHER IS I AM GLAD TO SAY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE IS ATTENDING A MORE THAN USUALLY LENGTHY LECTURE BY THE UNIVERSITY EXTENSION SCHEME ON THE INFLUENCE OF A PERMANENT INCOME ON THOUGHT
I DO NOT PROPOSE TO UNDECEIVE HIM
INDEED I HAVE NEVER UNDECEIVED HIM ON ANY QUESTION
I WOULD CONSIDER IT WRONG
BUT OF COURSE YOU WILL CLEARLY UNDERSTAND THAT ALL COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOURSELF AND MY DAUGHTER MUST CEASE IMMEDIATELY FROM THIS MOMENT
ON THIS POINT AS INDEED ON ALL POINTS I AM FIRM
I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO GWENDOLEN LADY BRACKNELL
YOU ARE NOTHING OF THE KIND SIR
AND NOW AS REGARDS ALGERNON ALGERNON
YES AUNT AUGUSTA
MAY I ASK IF IT IS IN THIS HOUSE THAT YOUR INVALID FRIEND MR BUNBURY RESIDES
BUNBURY DOESN T LIVE HERE
BUNBURY IS SOMEWHERE ELSE AT PRESENT
IN FACT BUNBURY IS DEAD
WHEN DID MR BUNBURY DIE
HIS DEATH MUST HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY SUDDEN
I KILLED BUNBURY THIS AFTERNOON
I MEAN POOR BUNBURY DIED THIS AFTERNOON
WHAT DID HE DIE OF
OH HE WAS QUITE EXPLODED
WAS HE THE VICTIM OF A REVOLUTIONARY OUTRAGE
I WAS NOT AWARE THAT MR BUNBURY WAS INTERESTED IN SOCIAL LEGISLATION
IF SO HE IS WELL PUNISHED FOR HIS MORBIDITY
MY DEAR AUNT AUGUSTA I MEAN HE WAS FOUND OUT
THE DOCTORS FOUND OUT THAT BUNBURY COULD NOT LIVE THAT IS WHAT I MEAN SO BUNBURY DIED
HE SEEMS TO HAVE HAD GREAT CONFIDENCE IN THE OPINION OF HIS PHYSICIANS
I AM GLAD HOWEVER THAT HE MADE UP HIS MIND AT THE LAST TO SOME DEFINITE COURSE OF ACTION AND ACTED UNDER PROPER MEDICAL ADVICE
AND NOW THAT WE HAVE FINALLY GOT RID OF THIS MR BUNBURY MAY I ASK MR
WORTHING WHO IS THAT YOUNG PERSON WHOSE HAND MY NEPHEW ALGERNON IS NOW HOLDING IN WHAT SEEMS TO ME A PECULIARLY UNNECESSARY MANNER
THAT LADY IS MISS CECILY CARDEW MY WARD
I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO CECILY AUNT AUGUSTA
I BEG YOUR PARDON
MR MONCRIEFF AND I ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED LADY BRACKNELL
I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER THERE IS ANYTHING PECULIARLY EXCITING IN THE AIR OF THIS PARTICULAR PART OF HERTFORDSHIRE BUT THE NUMBER OF ENGAGEMENTS THAT GO ON SEEMS TO ME CONSIDERABLY ABOVE THE PROPER AVERAGE THAT STATISTICS HAVE LAID DOWN FOR OUR GUIDANCE
I THINK SOME PRELIMINARY INQUIRY ON MY PART WOULD NOT BE OUT OF PLACE
MR WORTHING IS MISS CARDEW AT ALL CONNECTED WITH ANY OF THE LARGER RAILWAY STATIONS IN LONDON
I MERELY DESIRE INFORMATION
UNTIL YESTERDAY I HAD NO IDEA THAT THERE WERE ANY FAMILIES OR PERSONS WHOSE ORIGIN WAS A TERMINUS
MISS CARDEW IS THE GRAND DAUGHTER OF THE LATE MR THOMAS CARDEW OF BELGRAVE SQUARE S W GERVASE PARK DORKING SURREY AND THE SPORRAN FIFESHIRE N B
THAT SOUNDS NOT UNSATISFACTORY
THREE ADDRESSES ALWAYS INSPIRE CONFIDENCE EVEN IN TRADESMEN
BUT WHAT PROOF HAVE I OF THEIR AUTHENTICITY
I HAVE CAREFULLY PRESERVED THE COURT GUIDES OF THE PERIOD
THEY ARE OPEN TO YOUR INSPECTION LADY BRACKNELL
I HAVE KNOWN STRANGE ERRORS IN THAT PUBLICATION
MISS CARDEW S FAMILY SOLICITORS ARE MESSRS MARKBY MARKBY AND MARKBY
MARKBY MARKBY AND MARKBY
A FIRM OF THE VERY HIGHEST POSITION IN THEIR PROFESSION
INDEED I AM TOLD THAT ONE OF THE MR
MARKBY S IS OCCASIONALLY TO BE SEEN AT DINNER PARTIES
SO FAR I AM SATISFIED
HOW EXTREMELY KIND OF YOU LADY BRACKNELL
I HAVE ALSO IN MY POSSESSION YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR CERTIFICATES OF MISS CARDEW S BIRTH BAPTISM WHOOPING COUGH REGISTRATION VACCINATION CONFIRMATION AND THE MEASLES BOTH THE GERMAN AND THE ENGLISH VARIETY
AH A LIFE CROWDED WITH INCIDENT I SEE THOUGH PERHAPS SOMEWHAT TOO EXCITING FOR A YOUNG GIRL
I AM NOT MYSELF IN FAVOUR OF PREMATURE EXPERIENCES
GWENDOLEN THE TIME APPROACHES FOR OUR DEPARTURE
WE HAVE NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE
AS A MATTER OF FORM MR WORTHING I HAD BETTER ASK YOU IF MISS CARDEW HAS ANY LITTLE FORTUNE
OH ABOUT A HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS IN THE FUNDS
THAT IS ALL
GOODBYE LADY BRACKNELL
SO PLEASED TO HAVE SEEN YOU
A MOMENT MR WORTHING
A HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS
AND IN THE FUNDS
MISS CARDEW SEEMS TO ME A MOST ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY NOW THAT I LOOK AT HER
FEW GIRLS OF THE PRESENT DAY HAVE ANY REALLY SOLID QUALITIES ANY OF THE QUALITIES THAT LAST AND IMPROVE WITH TIME
WE LIVE I REGRET TO SAY IN AN AGE OF SURFACES
COME OVER HERE DEAR
PRETTY CHILD YOUR DRESS IS SADLY SIMPLE AND YOUR HAIR SEEMS ALMOST AS NATURE MIGHT HAVE LEFT IT
BUT WE CAN SOON ALTER ALL THAT
A THOROUGHLY EXPERIENCED FRENCH MAID PRODUCES A REALLY MARVELLOUS RESULT IN A VERY BRIEF SPACE OF TIME
I REMEMBER RECOMMENDING ONE TO YOUNG LADY LANCING AND AFTER THREE MONTHS HER OWN HUSBAND DID NOT KNOW HER
AND AFTER SIX MONTHS NOBODY KNEW HER
KINDLY TURN ROUND SWEET CHILD
NO THE SIDE VIEW IS WHAT I WANT
YES QUITE AS I EXPECTED
THERE ARE DISTINCT SOCIAL POSSIBILITIES IN YOUR PROFILE
THE TWO WEAK POINTS IN OUR AGE ARE ITS WANT OF PRINCIPLE AND ITS WANT OF PROFILE
THE CHIN A LITTLE HIGHER DEAR
STYLE LARGELY DEPENDS ON THE WAY THE CHIN IS WORN
THEY ARE WORN VERY HIGH JUST AT PRESENT
YES AUNT AUGUSTA
THERE ARE DISTINCT SOCIAL POSSIBILITIES IN MISS CARDEW S PROFILE
CECILY IS THE SWEETEST DEAREST PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD
AND I DON T CARE TWOPENCE ABOUT SOCIAL POSSIBILITIES
NEVER SPEAK DISRESPECTFULLY OF SOCIETY ALGERNON
ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN T GET INTO IT DO THAT
DEAR CHILD OF COURSE YOU KNOW THAT ALGERNON HAS NOTHING BUT HIS DEBTS TO DEPEND UPON
BUT I DO NOT APPROVE OF MERCENARY MARRIAGES
WHEN I MARRIED LORD BRACKNELL I HAD NO FORTUNE OF ANY KIND
BUT I NEVER DREAMED FOR A MOMENT OF ALLOWING THAT TO STAND IN MY WAY
WELL I SUPPOSE I MUST GIVE MY CONSENT
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
CECILY YOU MAY KISS ME
THANK YOU LADY BRACKNELL
YOU MAY ALSO ADDRESS ME AS AUNT AUGUSTA FOR THE FUTURE
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
THE MARRIAGE I THINK HAD BETTER TAKE PLACE QUITE SOON
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
TO SPEAK FRANKLY I AM NOT IN FAVOUR OF LONG ENGAGEMENTS
THEY GIVE PEOPLE THE OPPORTUNITY OF FINDING OUT EACH OTHER S CHARACTER BEFORE MARRIAGE WHICH I THINK IS NEVER ADVISABLE
I BEG YOUR PARDON FOR INTERRUPTING YOU LADY BRACKNELL BUT THIS ENGAGEMENT IS QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION
I AM MISS CARDEW S GUARDIAN AND SHE CANNOT MARRY WITHOUT MY CONSENT UNTIL SHE COMES OF AGE
THAT CONSENT I ABSOLUTELY DECLINE TO GIVE
UPON WHAT GROUNDS MAY I ASK
ALGERNON IS AN EXTREMELY I MAY ALMOST SAY AN OSTENTATIOUSLY ELIGIBLE YOUNG MAN
HE HAS NOTHING BUT HE LOOKS EVERYTHING
WHAT MORE CAN ONE DESIRE
IT PAINS ME VERY MUCH TO HAVE TO SPEAK FRANKLY TO YOU LADY BRACKNELL ABOUT YOUR NEPHEW BUT THE FACT IS THAT I DO NOT APPROVE AT ALL OF HIS MORAL CHARACTER
I SUSPECT HIM OF BEING UNTRUTHFUL
MY NEPHEW ALGERNON
HE IS AN OXONIAN
I FEAR THERE CAN BE NO POSSIBLE DOUBT ABOUT THE MATTER
THIS AFTERNOON DURING MY TEMPORARY ABSENCE IN LONDON ON AN IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ROMANCE HE OBTAINED ADMISSION TO MY HOUSE BY MEANS OF THE FALSE PRETENCE OF BEING MY BROTHER
UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME HE DRANK I VE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY MY BUTLER AN ENTIRE PINT BOTTLE OF MY PERRIER JOUET BRUT WINE I WAS SPECIALLY RESERVING FOR MYSELF
CONTINUING HIS DISGRACEFUL DECEPTION HE SUCCEEDED IN THE COURSE OF THE AFTERNOON IN ALIENATING THE AFFECTIONS OF MY ONLY WARD
HE SUBSEQUENTLY STAYED TO TEA AND DEVOURED EVERY SINGLE MUFFIN
AND WHAT MAKES HIS CONDUCT ALL THE MORE HEARTLESS IS THAT HE WAS PERFECTLY WELL AWARE FROM THE FIRST THAT I HAVE NO BROTHER THAT I NEVER HAD A BROTHER AND THAT I DON T INTEND TO HAVE A BROTHER NOT EVEN OF ANY KIND
I DISTINCTLY TOLD HIM SO MYSELF YESTERDAY AFTERNOON
MR WORTHING AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION I HAVE DECIDED ENTIRELY TO OVERLOOK MY NEPHEW S CONDUCT TO YOU
THAT IS VERY GENEROUS OF YOU LADY BRACKNELL
MY OWN DECISION HOWEVER IS UNALTERABLE
I DECLINE TO GIVE MY CONSENT
COME HERE SWEET CHILD
HOW OLD ARE YOU DEAR
WELL I AM REALLY ONLY EIGHTEEN BUT I ALWAYS ADMIT TO TWENTY WHEN I GO TO EVENING PARTIES
YOU ARE PERFECTLY RIGHT IN MAKING SOME SLIGHT ALTERATION
INDEED NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER BE QUITE ACCURATE ABOUT HER AGE
IT LOOKS SO CALCULATING
EIGHTEEN BUT ADMITTING TO TWENTY AT EVENING PARTIES
WELL IT WILL NOT BE VERY LONG BEFORE YOU ARE OF AGE AND FREE FROM THE RESTRAINTS OF TUTELAGE
SO I DON T THINK YOUR GUARDIAN S CONSENT IS AFTER ALL A MATTER OF ANY IMPORTANCE
PRAY EXCUSE ME LADY BRACKNELL FOR INTERRUPTING YOU AGAIN BUT IT IS ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU THAT ACCORDING TO THE TERMS OF HER GRANDFATHER S WILL MISS CARDEW DOES NOT COME LEGALLY OF AGE TILL SHE IS THIRTY FIVE
THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO ME TO BE A GRAVE OBJECTION
THIRTY FIVE IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE AGE
LONDON SOCIETY IS FULL OF WOMEN OF THE VERY HIGHEST BIRTH WHO HAVE OF THEIR OWN FREE CHOICE REMAINED THIRTY FIVE FOR YEARS
LADY DUMBLETON IS AN INSTANCE IN POINT
TO MY OWN KNOWLEDGE SHE HAS BEEN THIRTY FIVE EVER SINCE SHE ARRIVED AT THE AGE OF FORTY WHICH WAS MANY YEARS AGO NOW
I SEE NO REASON WHY OUR DEAR CECILY SHOULD NOT BE EVEN STILL MORE ATTRACTIVE AT THE AGE YOU MENTION THAN SHE IS AT PRESENT
THERE WILL BE A LARGE ACCUMULATION OF PROPERTY
ALGY COULD YOU WAIT FOR ME TILL I WAS THIRTY FIVE
OF COURSE I COULD CECILY
YOU KNOW I COULD
YES I FELT IT INSTINCTIVELY BUT I COULDN T WAIT ALL THAT TIME
I HATE WAITING EVEN FIVE MINUTES FOR ANYBODY
IT ALWAYS MAKES ME RATHER CROSS
I AM NOT PUNCTUAL MYSELF I KNOW BUT I DO LIKE PUNCTUALITY IN OTHERS AND WAITING EVEN TO BE MARRIED IS QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION
THEN WHAT IS TO BE DONE CECILY
I DON T KNOW MR MONCRIEFF
MY DEAR MR WORTHING AS MISS CARDEW STATES POSITIVELY THAT SHE CANNOT WAIT TILL SHE IS THIRTY FIVE A REMARK WHICH I AM BOUND TO SAY SEEMS TO ME TO SHOW A SOMEWHAT IMPATIENT NATURE I WOULD BEG OF YOU TO RECONSIDER YOUR DECISION
BUT MY DEAR LADY BRACKNELL THE MATTER IS ENTIRELY IN YOUR OWN HANDS
THE MOMENT YOU CONSENT TO MY MARRIAGE WITH GWENDOLEN I WILL MOST GLADLY ALLOW YOUR NEPHEW TO FORM AN ALLIANCE WITH MY WARD
YOU MUST BE QUITE AWARE THAT WHAT YOU PROPOSE IS OUT OF THE QUESTION
THEN A PASSIONATE CELIBACY IS ALL THAT ANY OF US CAN LOOK FORWARD TO
THAT IS NOT THE DESTINY I PROPOSE FOR GWENDOLEN
ALGERNON OF COURSE CAN CHOOSE FOR HIMSELF
COME DEAR WE HAVE ALREADY MISSED FIVE IF NOT SIX TRAINS
TO MISS ANY MORE MIGHT EXPOSE US TO COMMENT ON THE PLATFORM
EVERYTHING IS QUITE READY FOR THE CHRISTENINGS
THE CHRISTENINGS SIR
IS NOT THAT SOMEWHAT PREMATURE
BOTH THESE GENTLEMEN HAVE EXPRESSED A DESIRE FOR IMMEDIATE BAPTISM
AT THEIR AGE
THE IDEA IS GROTESQUE AND IRRELIGIOUS
ALGERNON I FORBID YOU TO BE BAPTIZED
I WILL NOT HEAR OF SUCH EXCESSES
LORD BRACKNELL WOULD BE HIGHLY DISPLEASED IF HE LEARNED THAT THAT WAS THE WAY IN WHICH YOU WASTED YOUR TIME AND MONEY
AM I TO UNDERSTAND THEN THAT THERE ARE TO BE NO CHRISTENINGS AT ALL THIS AFTERNOON
I DON T THINK THAT AS THINGS ARE NOW IT WOULD BE OF MUCH PRACTICAL VALUE TO EITHER OF US DR CHASUBLE
I AM GRIEVED TO HEAR SUCH SENTIMENTS FROM YOU MR WORTHING
THEY SAVOUR OF THE HERETICAL VIEWS OF THE ANABAPTISTS VIEWS THAT I HAVE COMPLETELY REFUTED IN FOUR OF MY UNPUBLISHED SERMONS
HOWEVER AS YOUR PRESENT MOOD SEEMS TO BE ONE PECULIARLY SECULAR I WILL RETURN TO THE CHURCH AT ONCE
INDEED I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY THE PEW OPENER THAT FOR THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF MISS PRISM HAS BEEN WAITING FOR ME IN THE VESTRY
DID I HEAR YOU MENTION A MISS PRISM
YES LADY BRACKNELL
I AM ON MY WAY TO JOIN HER
PRAY ALLOW ME TO DETAIN YOU FOR A MOMENT
THIS MATTER MAY PROVE TO BE ONE OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO LORD BRACKNELL AND MYSELF
IS THIS MISS PRISM A FEMALE OF REPELLENT ASPECT REMOTELY CONNECTED WITH EDUCATION
SHE IS THE MOST CULTIVATED OF LADIES AND THE VERY PICTURE OF RESPECTABILITY
IT IS OBVIOUSLY THE SAME PERSON
MAY I ASK WHAT POSITION SHE HOLDS IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD
I AM A CELIBATE MADAM
MISS PRISM LADY BRACKNELL HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS MISS CARDEW S ESTEEMED GOVERNESS AND VALUED COMPANION
IN SPITE OF WHAT I HEAR OF HER I MUST SEE HER AT ONCE
LET HER BE SENT FOR
SHE APPROACHES SHE IS NIGH
I WAS TOLD YOU EXPECTED ME IN THE VESTRY DEAR CANON
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU THERE FOR AN HOUR AND THREE QUARTERS
COME HERE PRISM
WHERE IS THAT BABY
TWENTY EIGHT YEARS AGO PRISM YOU LEFT LORD BRACKNELL S HOUSE NUMBER UPPER GROSVENOR STREET IN CHARGE OF A PERAMBULATOR THAT CONTAINED A BABY OF THE MALE SEX
YOU NEVER RETURNED
A FEW WEEKS LATER THROUGH THE ELABORATE INVESTIGATIONS OF THE METROPOLITAN POLICE THE PERAMBULATOR WAS DISCOVERED AT MIDNIGHT STANDING BY ITSELF IN A REMOTE CORNER OF BAYSWATER
IT CONTAINED THE MANUSCRIPT OF A THREE VOLUME NOVEL OF MORE THAN USUALLY REVOLTING SENTIMENTALITY
BUT THE BABY WAS NOT THERE
WHERE IS THAT BABY
LADY BRACKNELL I ADMIT WITH SHAME THAT I DO NOT KNOW
I ONLY WISH I DID
THE PLAIN FACTS OF THE CASE ARE THESE
ON THE MORNING OF THE DAY YOU MENTION A DAY THAT IS FOR EVER BRANDED ON MY MEMORY I PREPARED AS USUAL TO TAKE THE BABY OUT IN ITS PERAMBULATOR
I HAD ALSO WITH ME A SOMEWHAT OLD BUT CAPACIOUS HAND BAG IN WHICH I HAD INTENDED TO PLACE THE MANUSCRIPT OF A WORK OF FICTION THAT I HAD WRITTEN DURING MY FEW UNOCCUPIED HOURS
IN A MOMENT OF MENTAL ABSTRACTION FOR WHICH I NEVER CAN FORGIVE MYSELF I DEPOSITED THE MANUSCRIPT IN THE BASINETTE AND PLACED THE BABY IN THE HAND BAG
BUT WHERE DID YOU DEPOSIT THE HAND BAG
DO NOT ASK ME MR WORTHING
MISS PRISM THIS IS A MATTER OF NO SMALL IMPORTANCE TO ME
I INSIST ON KNOWING WHERE YOU DEPOSITED THE HAND BAG THAT CONTAINED THAT INFANT
I LEFT IT IN THE CLOAK ROOM OF ONE OF THE LARGER RAILWAY STATIONS IN LONDON
WHAT RAILWAY STATION
THE BRIGHTON LINE
I MUST RETIRE TO MY ROOM FOR A MOMENT
GWENDOLEN WAIT HERE FOR ME
IF YOU ARE NOT TOO LONG I WILL WAIT HERE FOR YOU ALL MY LIFE
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS MEANS LADY BRACKNELL
I DARE NOT EVEN SUSPECT DR CHASUBLE
I NEED HARDLY TELL YOU THAT IN FAMILIES OF HIGH POSITION STRANGE COINCIDENCES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO OCCUR
THEY ARE HARDLY CONSIDERED THE THING
UNCLE JACK SEEMS STRANGELY AGITATED
YOUR GUARDIAN HAS A VERY EMOTIONAL NATURE
THIS NOISE IS EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT
IT SOUNDS AS IF HE WAS HAVING AN ARGUMENT
I DISLIKE ARGUMENTS OF ANY KIND
THEY ARE ALWAYS VULGAR AND OFTEN CONVINCING
IT HAS STOPPED NOW
I WISH HE WOULD ARRIVE AT SOME CONCLUSION
THIS SUSPENSE IS TERRIBLE
I HOPE IT WILL LAST
IS THIS THE HAND BAG MISS PRISM
EXAMINE IT CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU SPEAK
THE HAPPINESS OF MORE THAN ONE LIFE DEPENDS ON YOUR ANSWER
IT SEEMS TO BE MINE
YES HERE IS THE INJURY IT RECEIVED THROUGH THE UPSETTING OF A GOWER STREET OMNIBUS IN YOUNGER AND HAPPIER DAYS
HERE IS THE STAIN ON THE LINING CAUSED BY THE EXPLOSION OF A TEMPERANCE BEVERAGE AN INCIDENT THAT OCCURRED AT LEAMINGTON
AND HERE ON THE LOCK ARE MY INITIALS
I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT IN AN EXTRAVAGANT MOOD I HAD HAD THEM PLACED THERE
THE BAG IS UNDOUBTEDLY MINE
I AM DELIGHTED TO HAVE IT SO UNEXPECTEDLY RESTORED TO ME
IT HAS BEEN A GREAT INCONVENIENCE BEING WITHOUT IT ALL THESE YEARS
MISS PRISM MORE IS RESTORED TO YOU THAN THIS HAND BAG
I WAS THE BABY YOU PLACED IN IT
YES MOTHER
I AM UNMARRIED
I DO NOT DENY THAT IS A SERIOUS BLOW
BUT AFTER ALL WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO CAST A STONE AGAINST ONE WHO HAS SUFFERED
CANNOT REPENTANCE WIPE OUT AN ACT OF FOLLY
WHY SHOULD THERE BE ONE LAW FOR MEN AND ANOTHER FOR WOMEN
MOTHER I FORGIVE YOU
MR WORTHING THERE IS SOME ERROR
THERE IS THE LADY WHO CAN TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE
LADY BRACKNELL I HATE TO SEEM INQUISITIVE BUT WOULD YOU KINDLY INFORM ME WHO I AM
I AM AFRAID THAT THE NEWS I HAVE TO GIVE YOU WILL NOT ALTOGETHER PLEASE YOU
YOU ARE THE SON OF MY POOR SISTER MRS
MONCRIEFF AND CONSEQUENTLY ALGERNON S ELDER BROTHER
ALGY S ELDER BROTHER
THEN I HAVE A BROTHER AFTER ALL
I KNEW I HAD A BROTHER
I ALWAYS SAID I HAD A BROTHER
CECILY HOW COULD YOU HAVE EVER DOUBTED THAT I HAD A BROTHER
CHASUBLE MY UNFORTUNATE BROTHER
MISS PRISM MY UNFORTUNATE BROTHER
GWENDOLEN MY UNFORTUNATE BROTHER
ALGY YOU YOUNG SCOUNDREL YOU WILL HAVE TO TREAT ME WITH MORE RESPECT IN THE FUTURE
YOU HAVE NEVER BEHAVED TO ME LIKE A BROTHER IN ALL YOUR LIFE
WELL NOT TILL TO DAY OLD BOY I ADMIT
I DID MY BEST HOWEVER THOUGH I WAS OUT OF PRACTICE
BUT WHAT OWN ARE YOU
WHAT IS YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME NOW THAT YOU HAVE BECOME SOME ONE ELSE
GOOD HEAVENS I HAD QUITE FORGOTTEN THAT POINT
YOUR DECISION ON THE SUBJECT OF MY NAME IS IRREVOCABLE I SUPPOSE
I NEVER CHANGE EXCEPT IN MY AFFECTIONS
WHAT A NOBLE NATURE YOU HAVE GWENDOLEN
THEN THE QUESTION HAD BETTER BE CLEARED UP AT ONCE
AUNT AUGUSTA A MOMENT
AT THE TIME WHEN MISS PRISM LEFT ME IN THE HAND BAG HAD I BEEN CHRISTENED ALREADY
EVERY LUXURY THAT MONEY COULD BUY INCLUDING CHRISTENING HAD BEEN LAVISHED ON YOU BY YOUR FOND AND DOTING PARENTS
THEN I WAS CHRISTENED
THAT IS SETTLED
NOW WHAT NAME WAS I GIVEN
LET ME KNOW THE WORST
BEING THE ELDEST SON YOU WERE NATURALLY CHRISTENED AFTER YOUR FATHER
YES BUT WHAT WAS MY FATHER S CHRISTIAN NAME
I CANNOT AT THE PRESENT MOMENT RECALL WHAT THE GENERAL S CHRISTIAN NAME WAS
BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT HE HAD ONE
HE WAS ECCENTRIC I ADMIT
BUT ONLY IN LATER YEARS
AND THAT WAS THE RESULT OF THE INDIAN CLIMATE AND MARRIAGE AND INDIGESTION AND OTHER THINGS OF THAT KIND
CAN T YOU RECOLLECT WHAT OUR FATHER S CHRISTIAN NAME WAS
MY DEAR BOY WE WERE NEVER EVEN ON SPEAKING TERMS
HE DIED BEFORE I WAS A YEAR OLD
HIS NAME WOULD APPEAR IN THE ARMY LISTS OF THE PERIOD I SUPPOSE AUNT AUGUSTA
THE GENERAL WAS ESSENTIALLY A MAN OF PEACE EXCEPT IN HIS DOMESTIC LIFE
BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT HIS NAME WOULD APPEAR IN ANY MILITARY DIRECTORY
THE ARMY LISTS OF THE LAST FORTY YEARS ARE HERE
THESE DELIGHTFUL RECORDS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY CONSTANT STUDY
M GENERALS MALLAM MAXBOHM MAGLEY WHAT GHASTLY NAMES THEY HAVE MARKBY MIGSBY MOBBS MONCRIEFF
LIEUTENANT CAPTAIN LIEUTENANT COLONEL COLONEL GENERAL CHRISTIAN NAMES ERNEST JOHN
I ALWAYS TOLD YOU GWENDOLEN MY NAME WAS ERNEST DIDN T I
WELL IT IS ERNEST AFTER ALL
I MEAN IT NATURALLY IS ERNEST
YES I REMEMBER NOW THAT THE GENERAL WAS CALLED ERNEST I KNEW I HAD SOME PARTICULAR REASON FOR DISLIKING THE NAME
MY OWN ERNEST
I FELT FROM THE FIRST THAT YOU COULD HAVE NO OTHER NAME
GWENDOLEN IT IS A TERRIBLE THING FOR A MAN TO FIND OUT SUDDENLY THAT ALL HIS LIFE HE HAS BEEN SPEAKING NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
CAN YOU FORGIVE ME
FOR I FEEL THAT YOU ARE SURE TO CHANGE
MY OWN ONE
MY NEPHEW YOU SEEM TO BE DISPLAYING SIGNS OF TRIVIALITY
ON THE CONTRARY AUNT AUGUSTA I VE NOW REALISED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THE VITAL IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST