OH I AM PLEASED TO SEE YOU BACK
BUT WHAT HORRID CLOTHES YOU HAVE GOT ON
DO GO AND CHANGE THEM
MY CHILD MY CHILD
WHAT IS THE MATTER UNCLE JACK
DO LOOK HAPPY
YOU LOOK AS IF YOU HAD TOOTHACHE AND I HAVE GOT SUCH A SURPRISE FOR YOU
WHO DO YOU THINK IS IN THE DINING ROOM
YOUR BROTHER ERNEST
HE ARRIVED ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO
I HAVEN T GOT A BROTHER
OH DON T SAY THAT
HOWEVER BADLY HE MAY HAVE BEHAVED TO YOU IN THE PAST HE IS STILL YOUR BROTHER
YOU COULDN T BE SO HEARTLESS AS TO DISOWN HIM
I LL TELL HIM TO COME OUT
AND YOU WILL SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM WON T YOU UNCLE JACK
THESE ARE VERY JOYFUL TIDINGS
AFTER WE HAD ALL BEEN RESIGNED TO HIS LOSS HIS SUDDEN RETURN SEEMS TO ME PECULIARLY DISTRESSING
MY BROTHER IS IN THE DINING ROOM
I DON T KNOW WHAT IT ALL MEANS
I THINK IT IS PERFECTLY ABSURD
BROTHER JOHN I HAVE COME DOWN FROM TOWN TO TELL YOU THAT I AM VERY SORRY FOR ALL THE TROUBLE I HAVE GIVEN YOU AND THAT I INTEND TO LEAD A BETTER LIFE IN THE FUTURE
UNCLE JACK YOU ARE NOT GOING TO REFUSE YOUR OWN BROTHER S HAND
NOTHING WILL INDUCE ME TO TAKE HIS HAND
I THINK HIS COMING DOWN HERE DISGRACEFUL
HE KNOWS PERFECTLY WELL WHY
UNCLE JACK DO BE NICE
THERE IS SOME GOOD IN EVERY ONE
ERNEST HAS JUST BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT HIS POOR INVALID FRIEND MR BUNBURY WHOM HE GOES TO VISIT SO OFTEN
AND SURELY THERE MUST BE MUCH GOOD IN ONE WHO IS KIND TO AN INVALID AND LEAVES THE PLEASURES OF LONDON TO SIT BY A BED OF PAIN
OH HE HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT BUNBURY HAS HE
YES HE HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT POOR MR BUNBURY AND HIS TERRIBLE STATE OF HEALTH
WELL I WON T HAVE HIM TALK TO YOU ABOUT BUNBURY OR ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE
IT IS ENOUGH TO DRIVE ONE PERFECTLY FRANTIC
OF COURSE I ADMIT THAT THE FAULTS WERE ALL ON MY SIDE
BUT I MUST SAY THAT I THINK THAT BROTHER JOHN S COLDNESS TO ME IS PECULIARLY PAINFUL
I EXPECTED A MORE ENTHUSIASTIC WELCOME ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE COME HERE
UNCLE JACK IF YOU DON T SHAKE HANDS WITH ERNEST I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
NEVER FORGIVE ME
NEVER NEVER NEVER
WELL THIS IS THE LAST TIME I SHALL EVER DO IT
IT S PLEASANT IS IT NOT TO SEE SO PERFECT A RECONCILIATION
I THINK WE MIGHT LEAVE THE TWO BROTHERS TOGETHER
CECILY YOU WILL COME WITH US
CERTAINLY MISS PRISM
MY LITTLE TASK OF RECONCILIATION IS OVER
YOU HAVE DONE A BEAUTIFUL ACTION TO DAY DEAR CHILD
WE MUST NOT BE PREMATURE IN OUR JUDGMENTS
I FEEL VERY HAPPY
YOU YOUNG SCOUNDREL ALGY YOU MUST GET OUT OF THIS PLACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
I DON T ALLOW ANY BUNBURYING HERE
I HAVE PUT MR ERNEST S THINGS IN THE ROOM NEXT TO YOURS SIR
I SUPPOSE THAT IS ALL RIGHT
MR ERNEST S LUGGAGE SIR
I HAVE UNPACKED IT AND PUT IT IN THE ROOM NEXT TO YOUR OWN
THREE PORTMANTEAUS A DRESSING CASE TWO HAT BOXES AND A LARGE LUNCHEON BASKET
I AM AFRAID I CAN T STAY MORE THAN A WEEK THIS TIME
MERRIMAN ORDER THE DOG CART AT ONCE
MR ERNEST HAS BEEN SUDDENLY CALLED BACK TO TOWN
WHAT A FEARFUL LIAR YOU ARE JACK
I HAVE NOT BEEN CALLED BACK TO TOWN AT ALL
YES YOU HAVE
I HAVEN T HEARD ANY ONE CALL ME
YOUR DUTY AS A GENTLEMAN CALLS YOU BACK
MY DUTY AS A GENTLEMAN HAS NEVER INTERFERED WITH MY PLEASURES IN THE SMALLEST DEGREE
I CAN QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT
WELL CECILY IS A DARLING
YOU ARE NOT TO TALK OF MISS CARDEW LIKE THAT
I DON T LIKE IT
WELL I DON T LIKE YOUR CLOTHES
YOU LOOK PERFECTLY RIDICULOUS IN THEM
WHY ON EARTH DON T YOU GO UP AND CHANGE
IT IS PERFECTLY CHILDISH TO BE IN DEEP MOURNING FOR A MAN WHO IS ACTUALLY STAYING FOR A WHOLE WEEK WITH YOU IN YOUR HOUSE AS A GUEST
I CALL IT GROTESQUE
YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT STAYING WITH ME FOR A WHOLE WEEK AS A GUEST OR ANYTHING ELSE
YOU HAVE GOT TO LEAVE BY THE FOUR FIVE TRAIN
I CERTAINLY WON T LEAVE YOU SO LONG AS YOU ARE IN MOURNING
IT WOULD BE MOST UNFRIENDLY
IF I WERE IN MOURNING YOU WOULD STAY WITH ME I SUPPOSE
I SHOULD THINK IT VERY UNKIND IF YOU DIDN T
WELL WILL YOU GO IF I CHANGE MY CLOTHES
YES IF YOU ARE NOT TOO LONG
I NEVER SAW ANYBODY TAKE SO LONG TO DRESS AND WITH SUCH LITTLE RESULT
WELL AT ANY RATE THAT IS BETTER THAN BEING ALWAYS OVER DRESSED AS YOU ARE
IF I AM OCCASIONALLY A LITTLE OVER DRESSED I MAKE UP FOR IT BY BEING ALWAYS IMMENSELY OVER EDUCATED
YOUR VANITY IS RIDICULOUS YOUR CONDUCT AN OUTRAGE AND YOUR PRESENCE IN MY GARDEN UTTERLY ABSURD
HOWEVER YOU HAVE GOT TO CATCH THE FOUR FIVE AND I HOPE YOU WILL HAVE A PLEASANT JOURNEY BACK TO TOWN
THIS BUNBURYING AS YOU CALL IT HAS NOT BEEN A GREAT SUCCESS FOR YOU
I THINK IT HAS BEEN A GREAT SUCCESS
I M IN LOVE WITH CECILY AND THAT IS EVERYTHING
BUT I MUST SEE HER BEFORE I GO AND MAKE ARRANGEMENTS FOR ANOTHER BUNBURY
AH THERE SHE IS
OH I MERELY CAME BACK TO WATER THE ROSES
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH UNCLE JACK
HE S GONE TO ORDER THE DOG CART FOR ME
OH IS HE GOING TO TAKE YOU FOR A NICE DRIVE
HE S GOING TO SEND ME AWAY
THEN HAVE WE GOT TO PART
I AM AFRAID SO
IT S A VERY PAINFUL PARTING
IT IS ALWAYS PAINFUL TO PART FROM PEOPLE WHOM ONE HAS KNOWN FOR A VERY BRIEF SPACE OF TIME
THE ABSENCE OF OLD FRIENDS ONE CAN ENDURE WITH EQUANIMITY
BUT EVEN A MOMENTARY SEPARATION FROM ANYONE TO WHOM ONE HAS JUST BEEN INTRODUCED IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE
THE DOG CART IS AT THE DOOR SIR
IT CAN WAIT MERRIMAN FOR FIVE MINUTES
I HOPE CECILY I SHALL NOT OFFEND YOU IF I STATE QUITE FRANKLY AND OPENLY THAT YOU SEEM TO ME TO BE IN EVERY WAY THE VISIBLE PERSONIFICATION OF ABSOLUTE PERFECTION
I THINK YOUR FRANKNESS DOES YOU GREAT CREDIT ERNEST
IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME I WILL COPY YOUR REMARKS INTO MY DIARY
DO YOU REALLY KEEP A DIARY
I D GIVE ANYTHING TO LOOK AT IT
YOU SEE IT IS SIMPLY A VERY YOUNG GIRL S RECORD OF HER OWN THOUGHTS AND IMPRESSIONS AND CONSEQUENTLY MEANT FOR PUBLICATION
WHEN IT APPEARS IN VOLUME FORM I HOPE YOU WILL ORDER A COPY
BUT PRAY ERNEST DON T STOP
I DELIGHT IN TAKING DOWN FROM DICTATION
I HAVE REACHED ABSOLUTE PERFECTION
YOU CAN GO ON
I AM QUITE READY FOR MORE
OH DON T COUGH ERNEST
WHEN ONE IS DICTATING ONE SHOULD SPEAK FLUENTLY AND NOT COUGH
BESIDES I DON T KNOW HOW TO SPELL A COUGH
CECILY EVER SINCE I FIRST LOOKED UPON YOUR WONDERFUL AND INCOMPARABLE BEAUTY I HAVE DARED TO LOVE YOU WILDLY PASSIONATELY DEVOTEDLY HOPELESSLY
I DON T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME WILDLY PASSIONATELY DEVOTEDLY HOPELESSLY
HOPELESSLY DOESN T SEEM TO MAKE MUCH SENSE DOES IT
THE DOG CART IS WAITING SIR
TELL IT TO COME ROUND NEXT WEEK AT THE SAME HOUR
UNCLE JACK WOULD BE VERY MUCH ANNOYED IF HE KNEW YOU WERE STAYING ON TILL NEXT WEEK AT THE SAME HOUR
OH I DON T CARE ABOUT JACK
I DON T CARE FOR ANYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT YOU
I LOVE YOU CECILY
YOU WILL MARRY ME WON T YOU
YOU SILLY BOY
WHY WE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS
FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS
YES IT WILL BE EXACTLY THREE MONTHS ON THURSDAY
BUT HOW DID WE BECOME ENGAGED
WELL EVER SINCE DEAR UNCLE JACK FIRST CONFESSED TO US THAT HE HAD A YOUNGER BROTHER WHO WAS VERY WICKED AND BAD YOU OF COURSE HAVE FORMED THE CHIEF TOPIC OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN MYSELF AND MISS PRISM
AND OF COURSE A MAN WHO IS MUCH TALKED ABOUT IS ALWAYS VERY ATTRACTIVE
ONE FEELS THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN HIM AFTER ALL
I DARESAY IT WAS FOOLISH OF ME BUT I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ERNEST
AND WHEN WAS THE ENGAGEMENT ACTUALLY SETTLED
ON THE TH OF FEBRUARY LAST
WORN OUT BY YOUR ENTIRE IGNORANCE OF MY EXISTENCE I DETERMINED TO END THE MATTER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER AND AFTER A LONG STRUGGLE WITH MYSELF I ACCEPTED YOU UNDER THIS DEAR OLD TREE HERE
THE NEXT DAY I BOUGHT THIS LITTLE RING IN YOUR NAME AND THIS IS THE LITTLE BANGLE WITH THE TRUE LOVER S KNOT I PROMISED YOU ALWAYS TO WEAR
DID I GIVE YOU THIS
IT S VERY PRETTY ISN T IT
YES YOU VE WONDERFULLY GOOD TASTE ERNEST
IT S THE EXCUSE I VE ALWAYS GIVEN FOR YOUR LEADING SUCH A BAD LIFE
AND THIS IS THE BOX IN WHICH I KEEP ALL YOUR DEAR LETTERS
BUT MY OWN SWEET CECILY I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN YOU ANY LETTERS
YOU NEED HARDLY REMIND ME OF THAT ERNEST
I REMEMBER ONLY TOO WELL THAT I WAS FORCED TO WRITE YOUR LETTERS FOR YOU
I WROTE ALWAYS THREE TIMES A WEEK AND SOMETIMES OFTENER
OH DO LET ME READ THEM CECILY
OH I COULDN T POSSIBLY
THEY WOULD MAKE YOU FAR TOO CONCEITED
THE THREE YOU WROTE ME AFTER I HAD BROKEN OFF THE ENGAGEMENT ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO BADLY SPELLED THAT EVEN NOW I CAN HARDLY READ THEM WITHOUT CRYING A LITTLE
BUT WAS OUR ENGAGEMENT EVER BROKEN OFF
OF COURSE IT WAS
ON THE ND OF LAST MARCH
YOU CAN SEE THE ENTRY IF YOU LIKE
TO DAY I BROKE OFF MY ENGAGEMENT WITH ERNEST
I FEEL IT IS BETTER TO DO SO
THE WEATHER STILL CONTINUES CHARMING
BUT WHY ON EARTH DID YOU BREAK IT OFF
WHAT HAD I DONE
I HAD DONE NOTHING AT ALL
CECILY I AM VERY MUCH HURT INDEED TO HEAR YOU BROKE IT OFF
PARTICULARLY WHEN THE WEATHER WAS SO CHARMING
IT WOULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN A REALLY SERIOUS ENGAGEMENT IF IT HADN T BEEN BROKEN OFF AT LEAST ONCE
BUT I FORGAVE YOU BEFORE THE WEEK WAS OUT
WHAT A PERFECT ANGEL YOU ARE CECILY
YOU DEAR ROMANTIC BOY
I HOPE YOUR HAIR CURLS NATURALLY DOES IT
YES DARLING WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OTHERS
I AM SO GLAD
YOU LL NEVER BREAK OFF OUR ENGAGEMENT AGAIN CECILY
I DON T THINK I COULD BREAK IT OFF NOW THAT I HAVE ACTUALLY MET YOU
BESIDES OF COURSE THERE IS THE QUESTION OF YOUR NAME
YES OF COURSE
YOU MUST NOT LAUGH AT ME DARLING BUT IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN A GIRLISH DREAM OF MINE TO LOVE SOME ONE WHOSE NAME WAS ERNEST
THERE IS SOMETHING IN THAT NAME THAT SEEMS TO INSPIRE ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE
I PITY ANY POOR MARRIED WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND IS NOT CALLED ERNEST
BUT MY DEAR CHILD DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU COULD NOT LOVE ME IF I HAD SOME OTHER NAME
BUT WHAT NAME
OH ANY NAME YOU LIKE ALGERNON FOR INSTANCE
BUT I DON T LIKE THE NAME OF ALGERNON
WELL MY OWN DEAR SWEET LOVING LITTLE DARLING I REALLY CAN T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD OBJECT TO THE NAME OF ALGERNON
IT IS NOT AT ALL A BAD NAME
IN FACT IT IS RATHER AN ARISTOCRATIC NAME
HALF OF THE CHAPS WHO GET INTO THE BANKRUPTCY COURT ARE CALLED ALGERNON
BUT SERIOUSLY CECILY
IF MY NAME WAS ALGY COULDN T YOU LOVE ME
I MIGHT RESPECT YOU ERNEST I MIGHT ADMIRE YOUR CHARACTER BUT I FEAR THAT I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU MY UNDIVIDED ATTENTION
YOUR RECTOR HERE IS I SUPPOSE THOROUGHLY EXPERIENCED IN THE PRACTICE OF ALL THE RITES AND CEREMONIALS OF THE CHURCH
DR CHASUBLE IS A MOST LEARNED MAN
HE HAS NEVER WRITTEN A SINGLE BOOK SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS
I MUST SEE HIM AT ONCE ON A MOST IMPORTANT CHRISTENING I MEAN ON MOST IMPORTANT BUSINESS
I SHAN T BE AWAY MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR
CONSIDERING THAT WE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED SINCE FEBRUARY THE TH AND THAT I ONLY MET YOU TO DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK IT IS RATHER HARD THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE ME FOR SO LONG A PERIOD AS HALF AN HOUR
COULDN T YOU MAKE IT TWENTY MINUTES
I LL BE BACK IN NO TIME
WHAT AN IMPETUOUS BOY HE IS
I LIKE HIS HAIR SO MUCH
I MUST ENTER HIS PROPOSAL IN MY DIARY
A MISS FAIRFAX HAS JUST CALLED TO SEE MR WORTHING
ON VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS MISS FAIRFAX STATES
ISN T MR WORTHING IN HIS LIBRARY
MR WORTHING WENT OVER IN THE DIRECTION OF THE RECTORY SOME TIME AGO
PRAY ASK THE LADY TO COME OUT HERE MR WORTHING IS SURE TO BE BACK SOON
AND YOU CAN BRING TEA
I SUPPOSE ONE OF THE MANY GOOD ELDERLY WOMEN WHO ARE ASSOCIATED WITH UNCLE JACK IN SOME OF HIS PHILANTHROPIC WORK IN LONDON
I DON T QUITE LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE INTERESTED IN PHILANTHROPIC WORK
I THINK IT IS SO FORWARD OF THEM
PRAY LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU
MY NAME IS CECILY CARDEW
WHAT A VERY SWEET NAME
SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT WE ARE GOING TO BE GREAT FRIENDS
I LIKE YOU ALREADY MORE THAN I CAN SAY
MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF PEOPLE ARE NEVER WRONG
HOW NICE OF YOU TO LIKE ME SO MUCH AFTER WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SUCH A COMPARATIVELY SHORT TIME
PRAY SIT DOWN
I MAY CALL YOU CECILY MAY I NOT
AND YOU WILL ALWAYS CALL ME GWENDOLEN WON T YOU
IF YOU WISH
THEN THAT IS ALL QUITE SETTLED IS IT NOT
I HOPE SO
PERHAPS THIS MIGHT BE A FAVOURABLE OPPORTUNITY FOR MY MENTIONING WHO I AM
MY FATHER IS LORD BRACKNELL
YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF PAPA I SUPPOSE
I DON T THINK SO
OUTSIDE THE FAMILY CIRCLE PAPA I AM GLAD TO SAY IS ENTIRELY UNKNOWN
I THINK THAT IS QUITE AS IT SHOULD BE
THE HOME SEEMS TO ME TO BE THE PROPER SPHERE FOR THE MAN
AND CERTAINLY ONCE A MAN BEGINS TO NEGLECT HIS DOMESTIC DUTIES HE BECOMES PAINFULLY EFFEMINATE DOES HE NOT
AND I DON T LIKE THAT
IT MAKES MEN SO VERY ATTRACTIVE
CECILY MAMMA WHOSE VIEWS ON EDUCATION ARE REMARKABLY STRICT HAS BROUGHT ME UP TO BE EXTREMELY SHORT SIGHTED IT IS PART OF HER SYSTEM SO DO YOU MIND MY LOOKING AT YOU THROUGH MY GLASSES
OH NOT AT ALL GWENDOLEN
I AM VERY FOND OF BEING LOOKED AT
YOU ARE HERE ON A SHORT VISIT I SUPPOSE
I LIVE HERE
YOUR MOTHER NO DOUBT OR SOME FEMALE RELATIVE OF ADVANCED YEARS RESIDES HERE ALSO
I HAVE NO MOTHER NOR IN FACT ANY RELATIONS
MY DEAR GUARDIAN WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF MISS PRISM HAS THE ARDUOUS TASK OF LOOKING AFTER ME
YES I AM MR WORTHING S WARD
IT IS STRANGE HE NEVER MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE HAD A WARD
HOW SECRETIVE OF HIM
HE GROWS MORE INTERESTING HOURLY
I AM NOT SURE HOWEVER THAT THE NEWS INSPIRES ME WITH FEELINGS OF UNMIXED DELIGHT
I AM VERY FOND OF YOU CECILY I HAVE LIKED YOU EVER SINCE I MET YOU
BUT I AM BOUND TO STATE THAT NOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU ARE MR WORTHING S WARD I CANNOT HELP EXPRESSING A WISH YOU WERE WELL JUST A LITTLE OLDER THAN YOU SEEM TO BE AND NOT QUITE SO VERY ALLURING IN APPEARANCE
IN FACT IF I MAY SPEAK CANDIDLY
I THINK THAT WHENEVER ONE HAS ANYTHING UNPLEASANT TO SAY ONE SHOULD ALWAYS BE QUITE CANDID
WELL TO SPEAK WITH PERFECT CANDOUR CECILY I WISH THAT YOU WERE FULLY FORTY TWO AND MORE THAN USUALLY PLAIN FOR YOUR AGE
ERNEST HAS A STRONG UPRIGHT NATURE
HE IS THE VERY SOUL OF TRUTH AND HONOUR
DISLOYALTY WOULD BE AS IMPOSSIBLE TO HIM AS DECEPTION
BUT EVEN MEN OF THE NOBLEST POSSIBLE MORAL CHARACTER ARE EXTREMELY SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE INFLUENCE OF THE PHYSICAL CHARMS OF OTHERS
MODERN NO LESS THAN ANCIENT HISTORY SUPPLIES US WITH MANY MOST PAINFUL EXAMPLES OF WHAT I REFER TO
IF IT WERE NOT SO INDEED HISTORY WOULD BE QUITE UNREADABLE
I BEG YOUR PARDON GWENDOLEN DID YOU SAY ERNEST
OH BUT IT IS NOT MR ERNEST WORTHING WHO IS MY GUARDIAN
IT IS HIS BROTHER HIS ELDER BROTHER
ERNEST NEVER MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE HAD A BROTHER
I AM SORRY TO SAY THEY HAVE NOT BEEN ON GOOD TERMS FOR A LONG TIME
AH THAT ACCOUNTS FOR IT
AND NOW THAT I THINK OF IT I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANY MAN MENTION HIS BROTHER
THE SUBJECT SEEMS DISTASTEFUL TO MOST MEN
CECILY YOU HAVE LIFTED A LOAD FROM MY MIND
I WAS GROWING ALMOST ANXIOUS
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE IF ANY CLOUD HAD COME ACROSS A FRIENDSHIP LIKE OURS WOULD IT NOT
OF COURSE YOU ARE QUITE QUITE SURE THAT IT IS NOT MR ERNEST WORTHING WHO IS YOUR GUARDIAN
IN FACT I AM GOING TO BE HIS
I BEG YOUR PARDON
DEAREST GWENDOLEN THERE IS NO REASON WHY I SHOULD MAKE A SECRET OF IT TO YOU
OUR LITTLE COUNTY NEWSPAPER IS SURE TO CHRONICLE THE FACT NEXT WEEK
MR ERNEST WORTHING AND I ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED
MY DARLING CECILY I THINK THERE MUST BE SOME SLIGHT ERROR
MR ERNEST WORTHING IS ENGAGED TO ME
THE ANNOUNCEMENT WILL APPEAR IN THE MORNING POST ON SATURDAY AT THE LATEST
I AM AFRAID YOU MUST BE UNDER SOME MISCONCEPTION
ERNEST PROPOSED TO ME EXACTLY TEN MINUTES AGO
IT IS CERTAINLY VERY CURIOUS FOR HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS WIFE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON AT
IF YOU WOULD CARE TO VERIFY THE INCIDENT PRAY DO SO
I NEVER TRAVEL WITHOUT MY DIARY
ONE SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING SENSATIONAL TO READ IN THE TRAIN
I AM SO SORRY DEAR CECILY IF IT IS ANY DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU BUT I AM AFRAID I HAVE THE PRIOR CLAIM
IT WOULD DISTRESS ME MORE THAN I CAN TELL YOU DEAR GWENDOLEN IF IT CAUSED YOU ANY MENTAL OR PHYSICAL ANGUISH BUT I FEEL BOUND TO POINT OUT THAT SINCE ERNEST PROPOSED TO YOU HE CLEARLY HAS CHANGED HIS MIND
IF THE POOR FELLOW HAS BEEN ENTRAPPED INTO ANY FOOLISH PROMISE I SHALL CONSIDER IT MY DUTY TO RESCUE HIM AT ONCE AND WITH A FIRM HAND
WHATEVER UNFORTUNATE ENTANGLEMENT MY DEAR BOY MAY HAVE GOT INTO I WILL NEVER REPROACH HIM WITH IT AFTER WE ARE MARRIED
DO YOU ALLUDE TO ME MISS CARDEW AS AN ENTANGLEMENT
YOU ARE PRESUMPTUOUS
ON AN OCCASION OF THIS KIND IT BECOMES MORE THAN A MORAL DUTY TO SPEAK ONE S MIND
IT BECOMES A PLEASURE
DO YOU SUGGEST MISS FAIRFAX THAT I ENTRAPPED ERNEST INTO AN ENGAGEMENT
HOW DARE YOU
THIS IS NO TIME FOR WEARING THE SHALLOW MASK OF MANNERS
WHEN I SEE A SPADE I CALL IT A SPADE
I AM GLAD TO SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SPADE
IT IS OBVIOUS THAT OUR SOCIAL SPHERES HAVE BEEN WIDELY DIFFERENT
SHALL I LAY TEA HERE AS USUAL MISS
YES AS USUAL
ARE THERE MANY INTERESTING WALKS IN THE VICINITY MISS CARDEW
OH YES A GREAT MANY
FROM THE TOP OF ONE OF THE HILLS QUITE CLOSE ONE CAN SEE FIVE COUNTIES
I DON T THINK I SHOULD LIKE THAT I HATE CROWDS
I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY YOU LIVE IN TOWN
QUITE A WELL KEPT GARDEN THIS IS MISS CARDEW
SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT MISS FAIRFAX
I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE ANY FLOWERS IN THE COUNTRY
OH FLOWERS ARE AS COMMON HERE MISS FAIRFAX AS PEOPLE ARE IN LONDON
PERSONALLY I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYBODY MANAGES TO EXIST IN THE COUNTRY IF ANYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY DOES
THE COUNTRY ALWAYS BORES ME TO DEATH
THIS IS WHAT THE NEWSPAPERS CALL AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION IS IT NOT
I BELIEVE THE ARISTOCRACY ARE SUFFERING VERY MUCH FROM IT JUST AT PRESENT
IT IS ALMOST AN EPIDEMIC AMONGST THEM I HAVE BEEN TOLD
MAY I OFFER YOU SOME TEA MISS FAIRFAX
BUT I REQUIRE TEA
NO THANK YOU
SUGAR IS NOT FASHIONABLE ANY MORE
CAKE OR BREAD AND BUTTER
BREAD AND BUTTER PLEASE
CAKE IS RARELY SEEN AT THE BEST HOUSES NOWADAYS
HAND THAT TO MISS FAIRFAX
YOU HAVE FILLED MY TEA WITH LUMPS OF SUGAR AND THOUGH I ASKED MOST DISTINCTLY FOR BREAD AND BUTTER YOU HAVE GIVEN ME CAKE
I AM KNOWN FOR THE GENTLENESS OF MY DISPOSITION AND THE EXTRAORDINARY SWEETNESS OF MY NATURE BUT I WARN YOU MISS CARDEW YOU MAY GO TOO FAR
TO SAVE MY POOR INNOCENT TRUSTING BOY FROM THE MACHINATIONS OF ANY OTHER GIRL THERE ARE NO LENGTHS TO WHICH I WOULD NOT GO
FROM THE MOMENT I SAW YOU I DISTRUSTED YOU
I FELT THAT YOU WERE FALSE AND DECEITFUL
I AM NEVER DECEIVED IN SUCH MATTERS
MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF PEOPLE ARE INVARIABLY RIGHT
IT SEEMS TO ME MISS FAIRFAX THAT I AM TRESPASSING ON YOUR VALUABLE TIME
NO DOUBT YOU HAVE MANY OTHER CALLS OF A SIMILAR CHARACTER TO MAKE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
MY OWN ERNEST
MAY I ASK IF YOU ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO THIS YOUNG LADY
TO DEAR LITTLE CECILY
OF COURSE NOT
WHAT COULD HAVE PUT SUCH AN IDEA INTO YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD
I KNEW THERE MUST BE SOME MISUNDERSTANDING MISS FAIRFAX
THE GENTLEMAN WHOSE ARM IS AT PRESENT ROUND YOUR WAIST IS MY GUARDIAN MR JOHN WORTHING
I BEG YOUR PARDON
THIS IS UNCLE JACK
HERE IS ERNEST
MY OWN LOVE
A MOMENT ERNEST
MAY I ASK YOU ARE YOU ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO THIS YOUNG LADY
TO WHAT YOUNG LADY
YES TO GOOD HEAVENS GWENDOLEN I MEAN TO GWENDOLEN
OF COURSE NOT
WHAT COULD HAVE PUT SUCH AN IDEA INTO YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD
I FELT THERE WAS SOME SLIGHT ERROR MISS CARDEW
THE GENTLEMAN WHO IS NOW EMBRACING YOU IS MY COUSIN MR ALGERNON MONCRIEFF
ARE YOU CALLED ALGERNON
I CANNOT DENY IT
IS YOUR NAME REALLY JOHN
I COULD DENY IT IF I LIKED
I COULD DENY ANYTHING IF I LIKED
BUT MY NAME CERTAINLY IS JOHN
IT HAS BEEN JOHN FOR YEARS
A GROSS DECEPTION HAS BEEN PRACTISED ON BOTH OF US
MY POOR WOUNDED CECILY
MY SWEET WRONGED GWENDOLEN
YOU WILL CALL ME SISTER WILL YOU NOT
THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALLOWED TO ASK MY GUARDIAN
AN ADMIRABLE IDEA
MR WORTHING THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION I WOULD LIKE TO BE PERMITTED TO PUT TO YOU
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER ERNEST
WE ARE BOTH ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO YOUR BROTHER ERNEST SO IT IS A MATTER OF SOME IMPORTANCE TO US TO KNOW WHERE YOUR BROTHER ERNEST IS AT PRESENT
GWENDOLEN CECILY IT IS VERY PAINFUL FOR ME TO BE FORCED TO SPEAK THE TRUTH
IT IS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN REDUCED TO SUCH A PAINFUL POSITION AND I AM REALLY QUITE INEXPERIENCED IN DOING ANYTHING OF THE KIND
HOWEVER I WILL TELL YOU QUITE FRANKLY THAT I HAVE NO BROTHER ERNEST
I HAVE NO BROTHER AT ALL
I NEVER HAD A BROTHER IN MY LIFE AND I CERTAINLY HAVE NOT THE SMALLEST INTENTION OF EVER HAVING ONE IN THE FUTURE
NO BROTHER AT ALL
HAD YOU NEVER A BROTHER OF ANY KIND
NOT EVEN OF AN KIND
I AM AFRAID IT IS QUITE CLEAR CECILY THAT NEITHER OF US IS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO ANY ONE
IT IS NOT A VERY PLEASANT POSITION FOR A YOUNG GIRL SUDDENLY TO FIND HERSELF IN
LET US GO INTO THE HOUSE
THEY WILL HARDLY VENTURE TO COME AFTER US THERE
NO MEN ARE SO COWARDLY AREN T THEY
THIS GHASTLY STATE OF THINGS IS WHAT YOU CALL BUNBURYING I SUPPOSE
YES AND A PERFECTLY WONDERFUL BUNBURY IT IS
THE MOST WONDERFUL BUNBURY I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE
WELL YOU VE NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO BUNBURY HERE
THAT IS ABSURD
ONE HAS A RIGHT TO BUNBURY ANYWHERE ONE CHOOSES
EVERY SERIOUS BUNBURYIST KNOWS THAT
WELL ONE MUST BE SERIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING IF ONE WANTS TO HAVE ANY AMUSEMENT IN LIFE
I HAPPEN TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT BUNBURYING
WHAT ON EARTH YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT I HAVEN T GOT THE REMOTEST IDEA
ABOUT EVERYTHING I SHOULD FANCY
YOU HAVE SUCH AN ABSOLUTELY TRIVIAL NATURE
WELL THE ONLY SMALL SATISFACTION I HAVE IN THE WHOLE OF THIS WRETCHED BUSINESS IS THAT YOUR FRIEND BUNBURY IS QUITE EXPLODED
YOU WON T BE ABLE TO RUN DOWN TO THE COUNTRY QUITE SO OFTEN AS YOU USED TO DO DEAR ALGY
AND A VERY GOOD THING TOO
YOUR BROTHER IS A LITTLE OFF COLOUR ISN T HE DEAR JACK
YOU WON T BE ABLE TO DISAPPEAR TO LONDON QUITE SO FREQUENTLY AS YOUR WICKED CUSTOM WAS
AND NOT A BAD THING EITHER
AS FOR YOUR CONDUCT TOWARDS MISS CARDEW I MUST SAY THAT YOUR TAKING IN A SWEET SIMPLE INNOCENT GIRL LIKE THAT IS QUITE INEXCUSABLE
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FACT THAT SHE IS MY WARD
I CAN SEE NO POSSIBLE DEFENCE AT ALL FOR YOUR DECEIVING A BRILLIANT CLEVER THOROUGHLY EXPERIENCED YOUNG LADY LIKE MISS FAIRFAX
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FACT THAT SHE IS MY COUSIN
I WANTED TO BE ENGAGED TO GWENDOLEN THAT IS ALL
I LOVE HER
WELL I SIMPLY WANTED TO BE ENGAGED TO CECILY
I ADORE HER
THERE IS CERTAINLY NO CHANCE OF YOUR MARRYING MISS CARDEW
I DON T THINK THERE IS MUCH LIKELIHOOD JACK OF YOU AND MISS FAIRFAX BEING UNITED
WELL THAT IS NO BUSINESS OF YOURS
IF IT WAS MY BUSINESS I WOULDN T TALK ABOUT IT
IT IS VERY VULGAR TO TALK ABOUT ONE S BUSINESS
ONLY PEOPLE LIKE STOCK BROKERS DO THAT AND THEN MERELY AT DINNER PARTIES
HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE CALMLY EATING MUFFINS WHEN WE ARE IN THIS HORRIBLE TROUBLE I CAN T MAKE OUT
YOU SEEM TO ME TO BE PERFECTLY HEARTLESS
WELL I CAN T EAT MUFFINS IN AN AGITATED MANNER
THE BUTTER WOULD PROBABLY GET ON MY CUFFS
ONE SHOULD ALWAYS EAT MUFFINS QUITE CALMLY
IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO EAT THEM
I SAY IT S PERFECTLY HEARTLESS YOUR EATING MUFFINS AT ALL UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES
WHEN I AM IN TROUBLE EATING IS THE ONLY THING THAT CONSOLES ME
INDEED WHEN I AM IN REALLY GREAT TROUBLE AS ANY ONE WHO KNOWS ME INTIMATELY WILL TELL YOU I REFUSE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOOD AND DRINK
AT THE PRESENT MOMENT I AM EATING MUFFINS BECAUSE I AM UNHAPPY
BESIDES I AM PARTICULARLY FOND OF MUFFINS
WELL THAT IS NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD EAT THEM ALL IN THAT GREEDY WAY
I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE TEA CAKE INSTEAD
I DON T LIKE TEA CAKE
I SUPPOSE A MAN MAY EAT HIS OWN MUFFINS IN HIS OWN GARDEN
BUT YOU HAVE JUST SAID IT WAS PERFECTLY HEARTLESS TO EAT MUFFINS
I SAID IT WAS PERFECTLY HEARTLESS OF YOU UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES
THAT IS A VERY DIFFERENT THING
THAT MAY BE
BUT THE MUFFINS ARE THE SAME
ALGY I WISH TO GOODNESS YOU WOULD GO
YOU CAN T POSSIBLY ASK ME TO GO WITHOUT HAVING SOME DINNER
I NEVER GO WITHOUT MY DINNER
NO ONE EVER DOES EXCEPT VEGETARIANS AND PEOPLE LIKE THAT
BESIDES I HAVE JUST MADE ARRANGEMENTS WITH DR CHASUBLE TO BE CHRISTENED AT A QUARTER TO SIX UNDER THE NAME OF ERNEST
MY DEAR FELLOW THE SOONER YOU GIVE UP THAT NONSENSE THE BETTER
I MADE ARRANGEMENTS THIS MORNING WITH DR CHASUBLE TO BE CHRISTENED MYSELF AT AND I NATURALLY WILL TAKE THE NAME OF ERNEST
GWENDOLEN WOULD WISH IT
WE CAN T BOTH BE CHRISTENED ERNEST
BESIDES I HAVE A PERFECT RIGHT TO BE CHRISTENED IF I LIKE
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE AT ALL THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN CHRISTENED BY ANYBODY
I SHOULD THINK IT EXTREMELY PROBABLE I NEVER WAS AND SO DOES DR CHASUBLE
IT IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT IN YOUR CASE
YOU HAVE BEEN CHRISTENED ALREADY
YES BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN CHRISTENED FOR YEARS
YES BUT YOU HAVE BEEN CHRISTENED
THAT IS THE IMPORTANT THING
SO I KNOW MY CONSTITUTION CAN STAND IT
IF YOU ARE NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT YOUR EVER HAVING BEEN CHRISTENED I MUST SAY I THINK IT RATHER DANGEROUS YOUR VENTURING ON IT NOW
IT MIGHT MAKE YOU VERY UNWELL
YOU CAN HARDLY HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT SOME ONE VERY CLOSELY CONNECTED WITH YOU WAS VERY NEARLY CARRIED OFF THIS WEEK IN PARIS BY A SEVERE CHILL
YES BUT YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT A SEVERE CHILL WAS NOT HEREDITARY
IT USEN T TO BE I KNOW BUT I DARESAY IT IS NOW
SCIENCE IS ALWAYS MAKING WONDERFUL IMPROVEMENTS IN THINGS
OH THAT IS NONSENSE YOU ARE ALWAYS TALKING NONSENSE
JACK YOU ARE AT THE MUFFINS AGAIN
I WISH YOU WOULDN T
THERE ARE ONLY TWO LEFT
I TOLD YOU I WAS PARTICULARLY FOND OF MUFFINS
BUT I HATE TEA CAKE
WHY ON EARTH THEN DO YOU ALLOW TEA CAKE TO BE SERVED UP FOR YOUR GUESTS
WHAT IDEAS YOU HAVE OF HOSPITALITY
I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU TO GO
I DON T WANT YOU HERE
WHY DON T YOU GO
I HAVEN T QUITE FINISHED MY TEA YET AND THERE IS STILL ONE MUFFIN LEFT
MORNING ROOM AT THE MANOR HOUSE
THE FACT THAT THEY DID NOT FOLLOW US AT ONCE INTO THE HOUSE AS ANY ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE SEEMS TO ME TO SHOW THAT THEY HAVE SOME SENSE OF SHAME LEFT
THEY HAVE BEEN EATING MUFFINS
THAT LOOKS LIKE REPENTANCE
THEY DON T SEEM TO NOTICE US AT ALL
COULDN T YOU COUGH
BUT I HAVEN T GOT A COUGH
THEY RE LOOKING AT US
THAT S VERY FORWARD OF THEM
LET US PRESERVE A DIGNIFIED SILENCE
IT S THE ONLY THING TO DO NOW
THIS DIGNIFIED SILENCE SEEMS TO PRODUCE AN UNPLEASANT EFFECT
A MOST DISTASTEFUL ONE
BUT WE WILL NOT BE THE FIRST TO SPEAK
MR WORTHING I HAVE SOMETHING VERY PARTICULAR TO ASK YOU
MUCH DEPENDS ON YOUR REPLY
GWENDOLEN YOUR COMMON SENSE IS INVALUABLE
MR MONCRIEFF KINDLY ANSWER ME THE FOLLOWING QUESTION
WHY DID YOU PRETEND TO BE MY GUARDIAN S BROTHER
IN ORDER THAT I MIGHT HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY OF MEETING YOU
THAT CERTAINLY SEEMS A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION DOES IT NOT
YES DEAR IF YOU CAN BELIEVE HIM
BUT THAT DOES NOT AFFECT THE WONDERFUL BEAUTY OF HIS ANSWER
IN MATTERS OF GRAVE IMPORTANCE STYLE NOT SINCERITY IS THE VITAL THING
MR WORTHING WHAT EXPLANATION CAN YOU OFFER TO ME FOR PRETENDING TO HAVE A BROTHER
WAS IT IN ORDER THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY OF COMING UP TO TOWN TO SEE ME AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
CAN YOU DOUBT IT MISS FAIRFAX
I HAVE THE GRAVEST DOUBTS UPON THE SUBJECT
BUT I INTEND TO CRUSH THEM
THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT FOR GERMAN SCEPTICISM
THEIR EXPLANATIONS APPEAR TO BE QUITE SATISFACTORY ESPECIALLY MR WORTHING S
THAT SEEMS TO ME TO HAVE THE STAMP OF TRUTH UPON IT
I AM MORE THAN CONTENT WITH WHAT MR MONCRIEFF SAID
HIS VOICE ALONE INSPIRES ONE WITH ABSOLUTE CREDULITY
THEN YOU THINK WE SHOULD FORGIVE THEM
I MEAN NO
I HAD FORGOTTEN
THERE ARE PRINCIPLES AT STAKE THAT ONE CANNOT SURRENDER
WHICH OF US SHOULD TELL THEM
THE TASK IS NOT A PLEASANT ONE
COULD WE NOT BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME
AN EXCELLENT IDEA
I NEARLY ALWAYS SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME AS OTHER PEOPLE
WILL YOU TAKE THE TIME FROM ME
GWENDOLEN AND CECILY YOUR CHRISTIAN NAMES ARE STILL AN INSUPERABLE BARRIER
THAT IS ALL
JACK AND ALGERNON OUR CHRISTIAN NAMES
IS THAT ALL
BUT WE ARE GOING TO BE CHRISTENED THIS AFTERNOON
FOR MY SAKE YOU ARE PREPARED TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING
TO PLEASE ME YOU ARE READY TO FACE THIS FEARFUL ORDEAL
HOW ABSURD TO TALK OF THE EQUALITY OF THE SEXES
WHERE QUESTIONS OF SELF SACRIFICE ARE CONCERNED MEN ARE INFINITELY BEYOND US
THEY HAVE MOMENTS OF PHYSICAL COURAGE OF WHICH WE WOMEN KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
MERELY THAT I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO MR WORTHING MAMMA
SIT DOWN IMMEDIATELY
HESITATION OF ANY KIND IS A SIGN OF MENTAL DECAY IN THE YOUNG OF PHYSICAL WEAKNESS IN THE OLD
APPRISED SIR OF MY DAUGHTER S SUDDEN FLIGHT BY HER TRUSTY MAID WHOSE CONFIDENCE I PURCHASED BY MEANS OF A SMALL COIN I FOLLOWED HER AT ONCE BY A LUGGAGE TRAIN
HER UNHAPPY FATHER IS I AM GLAD TO SAY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE IS ATTENDING A MORE THAN USUALLY LENGTHY LECTURE BY THE UNIVERSITY EXTENSION SCHEME ON THE INFLUENCE OF A PERMANENT INCOME ON THOUGHT
I DO NOT PROPOSE TO UNDECEIVE HIM
INDEED I HAVE NEVER UNDECEIVED HIM ON ANY QUESTION
I WOULD CONSIDER IT WRONG
BUT OF COURSE YOU WILL CLEARLY UNDERSTAND THAT ALL COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOURSELF AND MY DAUGHTER MUST CEASE IMMEDIATELY FROM THIS MOMENT
ON THIS POINT AS INDEED ON ALL POINTS I AM FIRM
I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO GWENDOLEN LADY BRACKNELL
YOU ARE NOTHING OF THE KIND SIR
AND NOW AS REGARDS ALGERNON ALGERNON
YES AUNT AUGUSTA
MAY I ASK IF IT IS IN THIS HOUSE THAT YOUR INVALID FRIEND MR BUNBURY RESIDES
BUNBURY DOESN T LIVE HERE
BUNBURY IS SOMEWHERE ELSE AT PRESENT
IN FACT BUNBURY IS DEAD
WHEN DID MR BUNBURY DIE
HIS DEATH MUST HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY SUDDEN
I KILLED BUNBURY THIS AFTERNOON
I MEAN POOR BUNBURY DIED THIS AFTERNOON
WHAT DID HE DIE OF
OH HE WAS QUITE EXPLODED
WAS HE THE VICTIM OF A REVOLUTIONARY OUTRAGE
I WAS NOT AWARE THAT MR BUNBURY WAS INTERESTED IN SOCIAL LEGISLATION
IF SO HE IS WELL PUNISHED FOR HIS MORBIDITY
MY DEAR AUNT AUGUSTA I MEAN HE WAS FOUND OUT
THE DOCTORS FOUND OUT THAT BUNBURY COULD NOT LIVE THAT IS WHAT I MEAN SO BUNBURY DIED
HE SEEMS TO HAVE HAD GREAT CONFIDENCE IN THE OPINION OF HIS PHYSICIANS
I AM GLAD HOWEVER THAT HE MADE UP HIS MIND AT THE LAST TO SOME DEFINITE COURSE OF ACTION AND ACTED UNDER PROPER MEDICAL ADVICE
AND NOW THAT WE HAVE FINALLY GOT RID OF THIS MR BUNBURY MAY I ASK MR
WORTHING WHO IS THAT YOUNG PERSON WHOSE HAND MY NEPHEW ALGERNON IS NOW HOLDING IN WHAT SEEMS TO ME A PECULIARLY UNNECESSARY MANNER
THAT LADY IS MISS CECILY CARDEW MY WARD
I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO CECILY AUNT AUGUSTA
I BEG YOUR PARDON
MR MONCRIEFF AND I ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED LADY BRACKNELL
I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER THERE IS ANYTHING PECULIARLY EXCITING IN THE AIR OF THIS PARTICULAR PART OF HERTFORDSHIRE BUT THE NUMBER OF ENGAGEMENTS THAT GO ON SEEMS TO ME CONSIDERABLY ABOVE THE PROPER AVERAGE THAT STATISTICS HAVE LAID DOWN FOR OUR GUIDANCE
I THINK SOME PRELIMINARY INQUIRY ON MY PART WOULD NOT BE OUT OF PLACE
MR WORTHING IS MISS CARDEW AT ALL CONNECTED WITH ANY OF THE LARGER RAILWAY STATIONS IN LONDON
I MERELY DESIRE INFORMATION
UNTIL YESTERDAY I HAD NO IDEA THAT THERE WERE ANY FAMILIES OR PERSONS WHOSE ORIGIN WAS A TERMINUS
MISS CARDEW IS THE GRAND DAUGHTER OF THE LATE MR THOMAS CARDEW OF BELGRAVE SQUARE S W GERVASE PARK DORKING SURREY AND THE SPORRAN FIFESHIRE N B
THAT SOUNDS NOT UNSATISFACTORY
THREE ADDRESSES ALWAYS INSPIRE CONFIDENCE EVEN IN TRADESMEN
BUT WHAT PROOF HAVE I OF THEIR AUTHENTICITY
I HAVE CAREFULLY PRESERVED THE COURT GUIDES OF THE PERIOD
THEY ARE OPEN TO YOUR INSPECTION LADY BRACKNELL
I HAVE KNOWN STRANGE ERRORS IN THAT PUBLICATION
MISS CARDEW S FAMILY SOLICITORS ARE MESSRS MARKBY MARKBY AND MARKBY
MARKBY MARKBY AND MARKBY
A FIRM OF THE VERY HIGHEST POSITION IN THEIR PROFESSION
INDEED I AM TOLD THAT ONE OF THE MR
MARKBY S IS OCCASIONALLY TO BE SEEN AT DINNER PARTIES
SO FAR I AM SATISFIED
HOW EXTREMELY KIND OF YOU LADY BRACKNELL
I HAVE ALSO IN MY POSSESSION YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR CERTIFICATES OF MISS CARDEW S BIRTH BAPTISM WHOOPING COUGH REGISTRATION VACCINATION CONFIRMATION AND THE MEASLES BOTH THE GERMAN AND THE ENGLISH VARIETY
AH A LIFE CROWDED WITH INCIDENT I SEE THOUGH PERHAPS SOMEWHAT TOO EXCITING FOR A YOUNG GIRL
I AM NOT MYSELF IN FAVOUR OF PREMATURE EXPERIENCES
GWENDOLEN THE TIME APPROACHES FOR OUR DEPARTURE
WE HAVE NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE
AS A MATTER OF FORM MR WORTHING I HAD BETTER ASK YOU IF MISS CARDEW HAS ANY LITTLE FORTUNE
OH ABOUT A HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS IN THE FUNDS
THAT IS ALL
GOODBYE LADY BRACKNELL
SO PLEASED TO HAVE SEEN YOU
A MOMENT MR WORTHING
A HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS
AND IN THE FUNDS
MISS CARDEW SEEMS TO ME A MOST ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY NOW THAT I LOOK AT HER
FEW GIRLS OF THE PRESENT DAY HAVE ANY REALLY SOLID QUALITIES ANY OF THE QUALITIES THAT LAST AND IMPROVE WITH TIME
WE LIVE I REGRET TO SAY IN AN AGE OF SURFACES
COME OVER HERE DEAR
PRETTY CHILD YOUR DRESS IS SADLY SIMPLE AND YOUR HAIR SEEMS ALMOST AS NATURE MIGHT HAVE LEFT IT
BUT WE CAN SOON ALTER ALL THAT
A THOROUGHLY EXPERIENCED FRENCH MAID PRODUCES A REALLY MARVELLOUS RESULT IN A VERY BRIEF SPACE OF TIME
I REMEMBER RECOMMENDING ONE TO YOUNG LADY LANCING AND AFTER THREE MONTHS HER OWN HUSBAND DID NOT KNOW HER
AND AFTER SIX MONTHS NOBODY KNEW HER
KINDLY TURN ROUND SWEET CHILD
NO THE SIDE VIEW IS WHAT I WANT
YES QUITE AS I EXPECTED
THERE ARE DISTINCT SOCIAL POSSIBILITIES IN YOUR PROFILE
THE TWO WEAK POINTS IN OUR AGE ARE ITS WANT OF PRINCIPLE AND ITS WANT OF PROFILE
THE CHIN A LITTLE HIGHER DEAR
STYLE LARGELY DEPENDS ON THE WAY THE CHIN IS WORN
THEY ARE WORN VERY HIGH JUST AT PRESENT
YES AUNT AUGUSTA
THERE ARE DISTINCT SOCIAL POSSIBILITIES IN MISS CARDEW S PROFILE
CECILY IS THE SWEETEST DEAREST PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD
AND I DON T CARE TWOPENCE ABOUT SOCIAL POSSIBILITIES
NEVER SPEAK DISRESPECTFULLY OF SOCIETY ALGERNON
ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN T GET INTO IT DO THAT
DEAR CHILD OF COURSE YOU KNOW THAT ALGERNON HAS NOTHING BUT HIS DEBTS TO DEPEND UPON
BUT I DO NOT APPROVE OF MERCENARY MARRIAGES
WHEN I MARRIED LORD BRACKNELL I HAD NO FORTUNE OF ANY KIND
BUT I NEVER DREAMED FOR A MOMENT OF ALLOWING THAT TO STAND IN MY WAY
WELL I SUPPOSE I MUST GIVE MY CONSENT
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
CECILY YOU MAY KISS ME
THANK YOU LADY BRACKNELL
YOU MAY ALSO ADDRESS ME AS AUNT AUGUSTA FOR THE FUTURE
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
THE MARRIAGE I THINK HAD BETTER TAKE PLACE QUITE SOON
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
THANK YOU AUNT AUGUSTA
TO SPEAK FRANKLY I AM NOT IN FAVOUR OF LONG ENGAGEMENTS
THEY GIVE PEOPLE THE OPPORTUNITY OF FINDING OUT EACH OTHER S CHARACTER BEFORE MARRIAGE WHICH I THINK IS NEVER ADVISABLE
I BEG YOUR PARDON FOR INTERRUPTING YOU LADY BRACKNELL BUT THIS ENGAGEMENT IS QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION
I AM MISS CARDEW S GUARDIAN AND SHE CANNOT MARRY WITHOUT MY CONSENT UNTIL SHE COMES OF AGE
THAT CONSENT I ABSOLUTELY DECLINE TO GIVE
UPON WHAT GROUNDS MAY I ASK
ALGERNON IS AN EXTREMELY I MAY ALMOST SAY AN OSTENTATIOUSLY ELIGIBLE YOUNG MAN
HE HAS NOTHING BUT HE LOOKS EVERYTHING
WHAT MORE CAN ONE DESIRE
IT PAINS ME VERY MUCH TO HAVE TO SPEAK FRANKLY TO YOU LADY BRACKNELL ABOUT YOUR NEPHEW BUT THE FACT IS THAT I DO NOT APPROVE AT ALL OF HIS MORAL CHARACTER
I SUSPECT HIM OF BEING UNTRUTHFUL
MY NEPHEW ALGERNON
HE IS AN OXONIAN
I FEAR THERE CAN BE NO POSSIBLE DOUBT ABOUT THE MATTER
THIS AFTERNOON DURING MY TEMPORARY ABSENCE IN LONDON ON AN IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ROMANCE HE OBTAINED ADMISSION TO MY HOUSE BY MEANS OF THE FALSE PRETENCE OF BEING MY BROTHER
UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME HE DRANK I VE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY MY BUTLER AN ENTIRE PINT BOTTLE OF MY PERRIER JOUET BRUT WINE I WAS SPECIALLY RESERVING FOR MYSELF
CONTINUING HIS DISGRACEFUL DECEPTION HE SUCCEEDED IN THE COURSE OF THE AFTERNOON IN ALIENATING THE AFFECTIONS OF MY ONLY WARD
HE SUBSEQUENTLY STAYED TO TEA AND DEVOURED EVERY SINGLE MUFFIN
AND WHAT MAKES HIS CONDUCT ALL THE MORE HEARTLESS IS THAT HE WAS PERFECTLY WELL AWARE FROM THE FIRST THAT I HAVE NO BROTHER THAT I NEVER HAD A BROTHER AND THAT I DON T INTEND TO HAVE A BROTHER NOT EVEN OF ANY KIND
I DISTINCTLY TOLD HIM SO MYSELF YESTERDAY AFTERNOON
MR WORTHING AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION I HAVE DECIDED ENTIRELY TO OVERLOOK MY NEPHEW S CONDUCT TO YOU
THAT IS VERY GENEROUS OF YOU LADY BRACKNELL
MY OWN DECISION HOWEVER IS UNALTERABLE
I DECLINE TO GIVE MY CONSENT
COME HERE SWEET CHILD
HOW OLD ARE YOU DEAR
WELL I AM REALLY ONLY EIGHTEEN BUT I ALWAYS ADMIT TO TWENTY WHEN I GO TO EVENING PARTIES
YOU ARE PERFECTLY RIGHT IN MAKING SOME SLIGHT ALTERATION
INDEED NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER BE QUITE ACCURATE ABOUT HER AGE
IT LOOKS SO CALCULATING
EIGHTEEN BUT ADMITTING TO TWENTY AT EVENING PARTIES
WELL IT WILL NOT BE VERY LONG BEFORE YOU ARE OF AGE AND FREE FROM THE RESTRAINTS OF TUTELAGE
SO I DON T THINK YOUR GUARDIAN S CONSENT IS AFTER ALL A MATTER OF ANY IMPORTANCE
PRAY EXCUSE ME LADY BRACKNELL FOR INTERRUPTING YOU AGAIN BUT IT IS ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU THAT ACCORDING TO THE TERMS OF HER GRANDFATHER S WILL MISS CARDEW DOES NOT COME LEGALLY OF AGE TILL SHE IS THIRTY FIVE
THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO ME TO BE A GRAVE OBJECTION
THIRTY FIVE IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE AGE
LONDON SOCIETY IS FULL OF WOMEN OF THE VERY HIGHEST BIRTH WHO HAVE OF THEIR OWN FREE CHOICE REMAINED THIRTY FIVE FOR YEARS
LADY DUMBLETON IS AN INSTANCE IN POINT
TO MY OWN KNOWLEDGE SHE HAS BEEN THIRTY FIVE EVER SINCE SHE ARRIVED AT THE AGE OF FORTY WHICH WAS MANY YEARS AGO NOW
I SEE NO REASON WHY OUR DEAR CECILY SHOULD NOT BE EVEN STILL MORE ATTRACTIVE AT THE AGE YOU MENTION THAN SHE IS AT PRESENT
THERE WILL BE A LARGE ACCUMULATION OF PROPERTY
ALGY COULD YOU WAIT FOR ME TILL I WAS THIRTY FIVE
OF COURSE I COULD CECILY
YOU KNOW I COULD
YES I FELT IT INSTINCTIVELY BUT I COULDN T WAIT ALL THAT TIME
I HATE WAITING EVEN FIVE MINUTES FOR ANYBODY
IT ALWAYS MAKES ME RATHER CROSS
I AM NOT PUNCTUAL MYSELF I KNOW BUT I DO LIKE PUNCTUALITY IN OTHERS AND WAITING EVEN TO BE MARRIED IS QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION
THEN WHAT IS TO BE DONE CECILY
I DON T KNOW MR MONCRIEFF
MY DEAR MR WORTHING AS MISS CARDEW STATES POSITIVELY THAT SHE CANNOT WAIT TILL SHE IS THIRTY FIVE A REMARK WHICH I AM BOUND TO SAY SEEMS TO ME TO SHOW A SOMEWHAT IMPATIENT NATURE I WOULD BEG OF YOU TO RECONSIDER YOUR DECISION
BUT MY DEAR LADY BRACKNELL THE MATTER IS ENTIRELY IN YOUR OWN HANDS
THE MOMENT YOU CONSENT TO MY MARRIAGE WITH GWENDOLEN I WILL MOST GLADLY ALLOW YOUR NEPHEW TO FORM AN ALLIANCE WITH MY WARD
YOU MUST BE QUITE AWARE THAT WHAT YOU PROPOSE IS OUT OF THE QUESTION
THEN A PASSIONATE CELIBACY IS ALL THAT ANY OF US CAN LOOK FORWARD TO
THAT IS NOT THE DESTINY I PROPOSE FOR GWENDOLEN
ALGERNON OF COURSE CAN CHOOSE FOR HIMSELF
COME DEAR WE HAVE ALREADY MISSED FIVE IF NOT SIX TRAINS
TO MISS ANY MORE MIGHT EXPOSE US TO COMMENT ON THE PLATFORM
EVERYTHING IS QUITE READY FOR THE CHRISTENINGS
THE CHRISTENINGS SIR
IS NOT THAT SOMEWHAT PREMATURE
BOTH THESE GENTLEMEN HAVE EXPRESSED A DESIRE FOR IMMEDIATE BAPTISM
AT THEIR AGE
THE IDEA IS GROTESQUE AND IRRELIGIOUS
ALGERNON I FORBID YOU TO BE BAPTIZED
I WILL NOT HEAR OF SUCH EXCESSES
LORD BRACKNELL WOULD BE HIGHLY DISPLEASED IF HE LEARNED THAT THAT WAS THE WAY IN WHICH YOU WASTED YOUR TIME AND MONEY
AM I TO UNDERSTAND THEN THAT THERE ARE TO BE NO CHRISTENINGS AT ALL THIS AFTERNOON
I DON T THINK THAT AS THINGS ARE NOW IT WOULD BE OF MUCH PRACTICAL VALUE TO EITHER OF US DR CHASUBLE
I AM GRIEVED TO HEAR SUCH SENTIMENTS FROM YOU MR WORTHING
THEY SAVOUR OF THE HERETICAL VIEWS OF THE ANABAPTISTS VIEWS THAT I HAVE COMPLETELY REFUTED IN FOUR OF MY UNPUBLISHED SERMONS
HOWEVER AS YOUR PRESENT MOOD SEEMS TO BE ONE PECULIARLY SECULAR I WILL RETURN TO THE CHURCH AT ONCE
INDEED I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY THE PEW OPENER THAT FOR THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF MISS PRISM HAS BEEN WAITING FOR ME IN THE VESTRY
DID I HEAR YOU MENTION A MISS PRISM
YES LADY BRACKNELL
I AM ON MY WAY TO JOIN HER
PRAY ALLOW ME TO DETAIN YOU FOR A MOMENT
THIS MATTER MAY PROVE TO BE ONE OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO LORD BRACKNELL AND MYSELF
IS THIS MISS PRISM A FEMALE OF REPELLENT ASPECT REMOTELY CONNECTED WITH EDUCATION
SHE IS THE MOST CULTIVATED OF LADIES AND THE VERY PICTURE OF RESPECTABILITY
IT IS OBVIOUSLY THE SAME PERSON
MAY I ASK WHAT POSITION SHE HOLDS IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD
I AM A CELIBATE MADAM
MISS PRISM LADY BRACKNELL HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS MISS CARDEW S ESTEEMED GOVERNESS AND VALUED COMPANION
IN SPITE OF WHAT I HEAR OF HER I MUST SEE HER AT ONCE
LET HER BE SENT FOR
SHE APPROACHES SHE IS NIGH
I WAS TOLD YOU EXPECTED ME IN THE VESTRY DEAR CANON
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU THERE FOR AN HOUR AND THREE QUARTERS
COME HERE PRISM
WHERE IS THAT BABY
TWENTY EIGHT YEARS AGO PRISM YOU LEFT LORD BRACKNELL S HOUSE NUMBER UPPER GROSVENOR STREET IN CHARGE OF A PERAMBULATOR THAT CONTAINED A BABY OF THE MALE SEX
YOU NEVER RETURNED
A FEW WEEKS LATER THROUGH THE ELABORATE INVESTIGATIONS OF THE METROPOLITAN POLICE THE PERAMBULATOR WAS DISCOVERED AT MIDNIGHT STANDING BY ITSELF IN A REMOTE CORNER OF BAYSWATER
IT CONTAINED THE MANUSCRIPT OF A THREE VOLUME NOVEL OF MORE THAN USUALLY REVOLTING SENTIMENTALITY
BUT THE BABY WAS NOT THERE
WHERE IS THAT BABY
LADY BRACKNELL I ADMIT WITH SHAME THAT I DO NOT KNOW
I ONLY WISH I DID
THE PLAIN FACTS OF THE CASE ARE THESE
ON THE MORNING OF THE DAY YOU MENTION A DAY THAT IS FOR EVER BRANDED ON MY MEMORY I PREPARED AS USUAL TO TAKE THE BABY OUT IN ITS PERAMBULATOR
I HAD ALSO WITH ME A SOMEWHAT OLD BUT CAPACIOUS HAND BAG IN WHICH I HAD INTENDED TO PLACE THE MANUSCRIPT OF A WORK OF FICTION THAT I HAD WRITTEN DURING MY FEW UNOCCUPIED HOURS
IN A MOMENT OF MENTAL ABSTRACTION FOR WHICH I NEVER CAN FORGIVE MYSELF I DEPOSITED THE MANUSCRIPT IN THE BASINETTE AND PLACED THE BABY IN THE HAND BAG
BUT WHERE DID YOU DEPOSIT THE HAND BAG
DO NOT ASK ME MR WORTHING
MISS PRISM THIS IS A MATTER OF NO SMALL IMPORTANCE TO ME
I INSIST ON KNOWING WHERE YOU DEPOSITED THE HAND BAG THAT CONTAINED THAT INFANT
I LEFT IT IN THE CLOAK ROOM OF ONE OF THE LARGER RAILWAY STATIONS IN LONDON
WHAT RAILWAY STATION
THE BRIGHTON LINE
I MUST RETIRE TO MY ROOM FOR A MOMENT
GWENDOLEN WAIT HERE FOR ME
IF YOU ARE NOT TOO LONG I WILL WAIT HERE FOR YOU ALL MY LIFE
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS MEANS LADY BRACKNELL
I DARE NOT EVEN SUSPECT DR CHASUBLE
I NEED HARDLY TELL YOU THAT IN FAMILIES OF HIGH POSITION STRANGE COINCIDENCES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO OCCUR
THEY ARE HARDLY CONSIDERED THE THING
UNCLE JACK SEEMS STRANGELY AGITATED
YOUR GUARDIAN HAS A VERY EMOTIONAL NATURE
THIS NOISE IS EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT
IT SOUNDS AS IF HE WAS HAVING AN ARGUMENT
I DISLIKE ARGUMENTS OF ANY KIND
THEY ARE ALWAYS VULGAR AND OFTEN CONVINCING
IT HAS STOPPED NOW
I WISH HE WOULD ARRIVE AT SOME CONCLUSION
THIS SUSPENSE IS TERRIBLE
I HOPE IT WILL LAST
IS THIS THE HAND BAG MISS PRISM
EXAMINE IT CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU SPEAK
THE HAPPINESS OF MORE THAN ONE LIFE DEPENDS ON YOUR ANSWER
IT SEEMS TO BE MINE
YES HERE IS THE INJURY IT RECEIVED THROUGH THE UPSETTING OF A GOWER STREET OMNIBUS IN YOUNGER AND HAPPIER DAYS
HERE IS THE STAIN ON THE LINING CAUSED BY THE EXPLOSION OF A TEMPERANCE BEVERAGE AN INCIDENT THAT OCCURRED AT LEAMINGTON
AND HERE ON THE LOCK ARE MY INITIALS
I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT IN AN EXTRAVAGANT MOOD I HAD HAD THEM PLACED THERE
THE BAG IS UNDOUBTEDLY MINE
I AM DELIGHTED TO HAVE IT SO UNEXPECTEDLY RESTORED TO ME
IT HAS BEEN A GREAT INCONVENIENCE BEING WITHOUT IT ALL THESE YEARS
MISS PRISM MORE IS RESTORED TO YOU THAN THIS HAND BAG
I WAS THE BABY YOU PLACED IN IT
YES MOTHER
I AM UNMARRIED
I DO NOT DENY THAT IS A SERIOUS BLOW
BUT AFTER ALL WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO CAST A STONE AGAINST ONE WHO HAS SUFFERED
CANNOT REPENTANCE WIPE OUT AN ACT OF FOLLY
WHY SHOULD THERE BE ONE LAW FOR MEN AND ANOTHER FOR WOMEN
MOTHER I FORGIVE YOU
MR WORTHING THERE IS SOME ERROR
THERE IS THE LADY WHO CAN TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE
LADY BRACKNELL I HATE TO SEEM INQUISITIVE BUT WOULD YOU KINDLY INFORM ME WHO I AM
I AM AFRAID THAT THE NEWS I HAVE TO GIVE YOU WILL NOT ALTOGETHER PLEASE YOU
YOU ARE THE SON OF MY POOR SISTER MRS
MONCRIEFF AND CONSEQUENTLY ALGERNON S ELDER BROTHER
ALGY S ELDER BROTHER
THEN I HAVE A BROTHER AFTER ALL
I KNEW I HAD A BROTHER
I ALWAYS SAID I HAD A BROTHER
CECILY HOW COULD YOU HAVE EVER DOUBTED THAT I HAD A BROTHER
CHASUBLE MY UNFORTUNATE BROTHER
MISS PRISM MY UNFORTUNATE BROTHER
GWENDOLEN MY UNFORTUNATE BROTHER
ALGY YOU YOUNG SCOUNDREL YOU WILL HAVE TO TREAT ME WITH MORE RESPECT IN THE FUTURE
YOU HAVE NEVER BEHAVED TO ME LIKE A BROTHER IN ALL YOUR LIFE
WELL NOT TILL TO DAY OLD BOY I ADMIT
I DID MY BEST HOWEVER THOUGH I WAS OUT OF PRACTICE
BUT WHAT OWN ARE YOU
WHAT IS YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME NOW THAT YOU HAVE BECOME SOME ONE ELSE
GOOD HEAVENS I HAD QUITE FORGOTTEN THAT POINT
YOUR DECISION ON THE SUBJECT OF MY NAME IS IRREVOCABLE I SUPPOSE
I NEVER CHANGE EXCEPT IN MY AFFECTIONS
WHAT A NOBLE NATURE YOU HAVE GWENDOLEN
THEN THE QUESTION HAD BETTER BE CLEARED UP AT ONCE
AUNT AUGUSTA A MOMENT
AT THE TIME WHEN MISS PRISM LEFT ME IN THE HAND BAG HAD I BEEN CHRISTENED ALREADY
EVERY LUXURY THAT MONEY COULD BUY INCLUDING CHRISTENING HAD BEEN LAVISHED ON YOU BY YOUR FOND AND DOTING PARENTS
THEN I WAS CHRISTENED
THAT IS SETTLED
NOW WHAT NAME WAS I GIVEN
LET ME KNOW THE WORST
BEING THE ELDEST SON YOU WERE NATURALLY CHRISTENED AFTER YOUR FATHER
YES BUT WHAT WAS MY FATHER S CHRISTIAN NAME
I CANNOT AT THE PRESENT MOMENT RECALL WHAT THE GENERAL S CHRISTIAN NAME WAS
BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT HE HAD ONE
HE WAS ECCENTRIC I ADMIT
BUT ONLY IN LATER YEARS
AND THAT WAS THE RESULT OF THE INDIAN CLIMATE AND MARRIAGE AND INDIGESTION AND OTHER THINGS OF THAT KIND
CAN T YOU RECOLLECT WHAT OUR FATHER S CHRISTIAN NAME WAS
MY DEAR BOY WE WERE NEVER EVEN ON SPEAKING TERMS
HE DIED BEFORE I WAS A YEAR OLD
HIS NAME WOULD APPEAR IN THE ARMY LISTS OF THE PERIOD I SUPPOSE AUNT AUGUSTA
THE GENERAL WAS ESSENTIALLY A MAN OF PEACE EXCEPT IN HIS DOMESTIC LIFE
BUT I HAVE NO DOUBT HIS NAME WOULD APPEAR IN ANY MILITARY DIRECTORY
THE ARMY LISTS OF THE LAST FORTY YEARS ARE HERE
THESE DELIGHTFUL RECORDS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY CONSTANT STUDY
M GENERALS MALLAM MAXBOHM MAGLEY WHAT GHASTLY NAMES THEY HAVE MARKBY MIGSBY MOBBS MONCRIEFF
LIEUTENANT CAPTAIN LIEUTENANT COLONEL COLONEL GENERAL CHRISTIAN NAMES ERNEST JOHN
I ALWAYS TOLD YOU GWENDOLEN MY NAME WAS ERNEST DIDN T I
WELL IT IS ERNEST AFTER ALL
I MEAN IT NATURALLY IS ERNEST
YES I REMEMBER NOW THAT THE GENERAL WAS CALLED ERNEST I KNEW I HAD SOME PARTICULAR REASON FOR DISLIKING THE NAME
MY OWN ERNEST
I FELT FROM THE FIRST THAT YOU COULD HAVE NO OTHER NAME
GWENDOLEN IT IS A TERRIBLE THING FOR A MAN TO FIND OUT SUDDENLY THAT ALL HIS LIFE HE HAS BEEN SPEAKING NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
CAN YOU FORGIVE ME
FOR I FEEL THAT YOU ARE SURE TO CHANGE
MY OWN ONE
MY NEPHEW YOU SEEM TO BE DISPLAYING SIGNS OF TRIVIALITY
ON THE CONTRARY AUNT AUGUSTA I VE NOW REALISED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THE VITAL IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST